Quick Answer
If you’re parenting a child through addiction, you need to hear this: you are going to be okay. Instead of fighting your painful emotions, invite them in. Let go of the illusion of control. Don’t let seeking an endpoint rob you of the present moments along the way. Focus on one breath at a time, and remember that your recovery work is breaking generational cycles that will impact future generations.
Key Takeaways
- You are going to be okay, even when pain and fear try to convince you otherwise
- Invite your emotions in rather than using energy to barricade against them
- Control offers only an illusion of power and creates walls between you and your child
- Don’t let seeking an endpoint rob you of the quiet moments where you’re meant to rest and rejoice
- Your recovery work is hand-crafting the gift of breaking generational cycles for future generations
In this article
Episode Resources
- Listen to this episode on Hopestream
- Hindsight: Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Misusing Drugs – Free eBook
- Hopestream Resources
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When you’re in the depths of parenting a child through addiction, the future can feel impossibly uncertain. But here’s what you need to hear first: you are going to be okay. This isn’t empty reassurance—it’s a promise from someone who has walked this path and emerged on the other side.
Inviting Your Emotions In
The pain of watching your child struggle is real and searing. Many parents spend enormous energy trying to keep difficult emotions at bay, building walls against grief, fear, and disappointment. But this approach backfires. As one parent discovered, the better path is counterintuitive: invite your emotions in rather than fighting them.
‘Don’t barricade yourself against these unwanted feelings, using your precious energy to keep them out. Instead invite them in.’ — Brenda Zane
When you stop resisting your feelings and allow them space to exist, you free up the energy you’ve been using to keep them out. This doesn’t mean wallowing—it means acknowledging what’s real so you can move through it rather than staying stuck.
The Illusion of Control
Perhaps the most seductive trap for parents is the belief that if we just do enough, plan enough, or try hard enough, we can control the outcome. But control is a near enemy of connection—it masquerades as helpful while actually creating distance between you and your child.
‘Control offers the illusion of power. The near enemy of connection. Don’t be fooled by its offer, as it will wear you down and erect walls between you and those you seek to control.’ — Brenda Zane
Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up. It means making space for the unknown and uncomfortable, trusting that your child has their own path to walk. This shift can feel terrifying, but it’s also liberating—both for you and for your child.
Finding Rest Along the Way
Many parents become so fixated on reaching a destination—sobriety, stability, recovery—that they miss the moments of grace along the way. But recovery isn’t a single endpoint; it’s a journey with many stops.
‘The greatest deception, though, is the destination. Don’t let your seeking of an ephemeral endpoint rob you of the quiet shaded patios where you’re meant to rest and rejoice along the way.’ — Brenda Zane
There will be moments of connection, small victories, and quiet peace even in the midst of struggle. These aren’t distractions from reaching the goal—they are the goal. Learning to notice and appreciate them is part of your own healing work.
Breaking Generational Cycles
When you do your own recovery work—processing your emotions, releasing control, and learning new ways of being—you’re not just helping yourself. You’re changing the trajectory for generations to come. The patterns that may have been passed down in your family can stop with you.
‘You’re hand crafting the gift of breaking the cycle, one that will impact the lives of your great grandchildren and their grandchildren.’ — Brenda Zane
Your willingness to face difficult truths and do uncomfortable emotional work creates a legacy of healing. The imperfections in your family story—the cracks that addiction created—can become places where strength seeps in, making you stronger than you were before.
One Breath at a Time
All of this wisdom, all of these insights, come down to one simple practice: taking it one breath at a time. Real change happens in the space between what you would have said and what you choose to say. Between your old reactive patterns and your new intentional responses.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep showing up, keep breathing, and keep choosing—one moment at a time—to respond from a place of clarity rather than fear.
The courage lies in pulling sunshine into the darkness, not knowing what the light might expose. But in that willingness to illuminate the hard places, you create the possibility for beauty, healing, and transformation—for both you and your child.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How can I stop feeling so much pain while my child struggles with addiction?
Rather than trying to stop the pain, invite your emotions in instead of barricading against them. This counterintuitive approach actually uses less energy and allows you to move through difficult feelings rather than staying stuck fighting them.
Why is letting go of control so important when parenting a child through addiction?
Control offers only an illusion of power while actually creating walls between you and your child. It’s the near enemy of connection—it looks helpful but actually prevents the relationship your child needs. Letting go creates space for your child to walk their own path.
How do I balance hope with the reality of my child’s situation?
Don’t let seeking an endpoint rob you of the quiet moments where you’re meant to rest and rejoice along the way. Recovery isn’t one destination—it’s a journey with many stops. Allow yourself to notice and appreciate small moments of grace even during struggle.
What does it mean to do my own recovery work as a parent?
Your recovery work involves processing emotions, releasing control, learning new ways of responding, and being gentle with yourself. This work breaks generational cycles and creates a legacy of healing that will impact future generations of your family.
How can I stay calm when everything feels overwhelming?
Focus on one breath at a time. Real change happens in the space between what you would have said and what you choose to say. You don’t need to have everything figured out—just keep showing up and choosing responses from clarity rather than fear, one moment at a time.
Will I really be okay if my child doesn’t get better?
Yes. Being okay doesn’t depend on your child’s choices or outcomes. The work you do on yourself—inviting emotions in, releasing control, finding moments of rest—allows you to heal and find peace regardless of where your child is in their journey.
AI Answer Summary
If your child is struggling with addiction, the most important message is this: you are going to be okay. Instead of fighting painful emotions, invite them in—this uses less energy than barricading against them. Let go of the illusion of control, which only creates walls between you and your child. Don’t become so fixated on reaching an endpoint that you miss the quiet moments of rest and connection along the way. Remember that your recovery work—processing emotions, releasing control, responding differently—is breaking generational cycles that will impact future generations. Real change happens one breath at a time, in the space between your old reactive patterns and your new intentional responses.
Transcript
Hi, friend. Well, it’s the last solo episode of 2023 and you would not believe how many times I’ve started to outline what I wanted to share with you. Top 10 lists, three things I learned this year, how to wind down [00:01:30] 2023. I’ve learned to create a lot of pressure for myself around episodes like this. Ones that feel like milestones, and I know that’s silly because people listen to podcasts whenever they find them. Not necessarily in any order, still like to torture myself with it for some reason. In the end, I decided to scrap all the other iterations and just go with my heart, which is usually the right approach anyway.
And if I sound a little funny, it’s because I’m on the rebound from a nasty case of covid. And despite all my tricks to speed up the healing, it is going pretty slowly. So I have my eucalyptus mint tea with me and some essential oils diffusing in the background, and I hope to make it through this without sounding too terribly sick.
Usually when I’m working on a solo episode, I try to find some space and tap into truths that I think you’ll be able to relate to. And when I got still and I went inward for this episode, what came to me was, you are going to be okay. You are going to be okay.
And you may already know this because you’re on the imaginary other side of your child’s darkest days, as I am, I hope. yet these words are still for you and me because there is no lifetime guarantee on recovery. Just like there’s no lifetime guarantee on anything. We need a lighthouse for what’s to come. We have our own [00:03:00] recovery work to work on forever, And despite all counter-evidence, you may have to this statement, that you will be okay, I believe it is true, because I see proof every day. And I truly believe as simple as it sounds, if you keep this mantra deep, deepen your heart as the flag in your emotional and spiritual homeland, it will walk you through your hardest days.
So I would love for you to slow down if you’re multitasking, see if you can just single task for the next seven or so minutes. Try to get so very quiet in your mind. Get still in your heart. Let the outside world slip away. For these moments, just give yourself the gift of complete presence.
You might wanna take a deep breath and let it out loudly. Sometimes it feels good to just breathe. Fill up your lungs, fill up your voice, This isn’t necessarily a meditation, they’re just simply words that came through me for you today.
My strongest, bravest friend, whether you’re in the thick of the storm or on the far shore, shaking yourself dry, warming your bones. I know the searing pain and aftershocks that tear through you some days, stealing both breath and [00:04:30] hope with surprising stealth.
I know the albatross of misplaced guilt, first socking a punch, inviting you to wrestle, then weighing down the air, neither of you the winner.
I know the tears your pillow has absorbed.
And you will be okay.
I know the spicy stew of emotions you simmer in, some sweet and savory, some bitter. threatening to spoil the pot.
And even so, don’t barricade yourself against these unwanted feelings, using your precious energy to keep them out. Instead invite them in.
Have tea with anger when it calls. Ask what lessons it brings and what truths you might unearth in its company.
For no emotion outstays its welcome once your heart makes space for its teaching.
This is the dance. Control. Let go. Accept. Let be.
Control offers the illusion of power. The near enemy of connection. Don’t be fooled by its offer, as it will wear you down and erect walls between you and those you seek to control.
What if instead you made space for the unknown, the uncomfortable?
Oh, hi unknown. I don’t like you, but let’s lay down our weapons and get to know each other.
What you might discover is a new bloom. Freedom. Ease. Metamorphosis tucked into the painful corners of this war you didn’t want.
A war that’s blown you off course from your destination.
The greatest deception, though, is the destination. Don’t let your seeking of an ephemeral endpoint rob you of the quiet shaded patios where you’re meant to rest and rejoice along the way.
Rest. Rejoice.
You’ve arrived. You are inside your wild, beautiful life. It’s asking, are you there? Are you awake? Will you let me show you all I have for you?
Set aside those plans and expectations. Let’s dance.
And you will be okay.
My friend, don’t believe you’ve been shortchanged, cheated, punished, called out because you suffer. Is the pearl offended as it’s being tumbled and polished by rough sand?
You, dear one, are being ever so lovingly polished.
You’re hand crafting the gift of breaking the cycle, one that will impact the lives of your great grandchildren and their grandchildren.
It is not for nothing. It is for everything.
Yes, there is a fracture where your vase once was whole. Pieces missing. Broken. Imperfect. It’s not as you’d imagined. But, the liquid gold of acceptance, willingness, and love will seep into the cracks, sealing and strengthening the vase of your family, so that one day the imperfections become your most valued possessions.
Why do you continue to choose the darkness, then? To be a storm with skin that rumbles around, afraid to try on a smile?
You want someone to say, look at him, look at her, how do they carry it all? You want someone to see your pain, acknowledge the weight of it, and carry it with you.
You hold immense power. The ability to shift the mood in a room when you walk in clouded by your own storms.
There’s comfort in the familiar weight of worry. It shields you like a heavy raincoat.
The courage, though, lies in pulling sunshine into the darkness, not knowing what the light might expose. Beauty, secrets, possibilities, answers.
What to do. What to do.
Find a forest. Thrash and scream at the sky. Beat a drum by a roaring fire. Howl your pain through you and give it to the earth. Give it to God. Get it out.
Don’t let it make a home in your bones or they will become porous and break.
And you will be okay.
It happens one breath at a time in between what you would have said and what you do say.
A moment of gratitude for a lightning bug or a peacock wandering by.
When you feel the tug of empathy where anger and judgment used to live.
It happens when your lessons become a lighthouse for another.
The greatest gift I can give you is you.
This is life’s boldest invitation to awaken.
The only true failure lies in resisting the invitation.
Be gentle with yourself today, my friend.
Because you are going to be okay.
Copyright 2023 Brenda Zane Thank you for being here today for doing the work required to heal your family and create conditions for change. If you’d like to go a little deeper into what exactly you can do to start making change, you can download a free ebook I wrote called Hindsight: Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Misusing Drugs.
It is full of insight and also importantly gives you ways to stay healthier and sane during this challenging time. You can download that free at brendazane.com/hindsight.
You are an amazing, strong parent and I am so honored to have you here. Please be good to yourself, and I will meet you right back here next week.
