Quick Answer
When your teen struggles with substance use, confrontation actually decreases motivation. Instead, focus on three key areas: working on your own emotional regulation and self-care, setting healthy boundaries while allowing natural consequences, and reinforcing positive behaviors with genuine curiosity. Research shows that negative, confrontational approaches are less effective than positive, client-centered, empathetic methods.
Key Takeaways
- A person’s motivation is greatly impacted by others, meaning your approach directly influences your child’s willingness to change
- Confrontation hurts motivation—negative approaches are less effective than positive, client-centered, and empathetic methods
- Your child’s substance use is solving a problem for them; it’s an effective strategy for managing something they’re struggling with
- Motivation happens when the cost of behavior outweighs the benefits, and this balance can shift quickly and unpredictably
- Working on your own emotions and self-care helps you respond calmly rather than amplifying your child’s negativity
In this article
Episode Resources
- Listen to this episode on Hopestream
- PDF of emoji formulas
- ⬇️ image files of emoji formulas – perfect for phone downloadformula 1formula 2formula 3
- Research paper on confrontation in addiction treatment(William R. Miller, Ph.D. and William White, MA)????
- Hopestream Resources
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About the guest: Brenda Zane · Website
Brenda Zane is the host of the Hopestream podcast and founder of the Hopestream Community, supporting parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance misuse. She has personal experience parenting a child through addiction and recovery.
When your teen is struggling with substance use, it’s natural to feel desperate to intervene. You might want to confront them, argue your case, or try to force them to see reason. But research reveals something counterintuitive: confrontation actually hurts motivation rather than helping it.
‘One thing that we do know for sure is that a person’s motivation is greatly impacted by others.’ — Brenda Zane
Why Your Approach Affects Their Motivation
The way you interact with your child directly influences their willingness to change. While this might feel like added pressure, it’s actually empowering information. When you understand that motivation can be influenced by others, you realize you have more control over the situation than you might think—not control over your child, but control over how you show up in the relationship.
The Problem With Confrontation
Many parents instinctively turn to confrontation when they discover their child is using substances. It feels urgent. It feels necessary. But the research is clear on this point.
‘Another thing that we know through research is that confrontation hurts motivation.’ — Brenda Zane
Negative, confrontational approaches to changing behavior are consistently less effective than positive, client-centered, and empathetic approaches. This doesn’t mean you become permissive or stop caring. It means you change your strategy to one that actually works.
Understanding What Drives Their Substance Use
Before you can help your child change, you need to understand what’s driving the behavior in the first place. This requires a shift in perspective.
‘So your son or daughter is definitely getting something out of their use out of their substance use, it’s solving a problem for them, it’s actually a very effective strategy at managing whatever it is that they’re trying to manage.’ — Brenda Zane
When you can see substance use as your child’s attempt to cope with something—anxiety, social pressure, trauma, or other challenges—you can approach them with genuine curiosity rather than judgment. This opens the door to real conversation and connection.
Managing Your Own Emotional Reactions
One of the most powerful things you can do is work on your own emotional regulation. When your child comes at you with negativity, anger, or resistance, your calm response can de-escalate the situation rather than amplify it. As Brenda explains, the way to keep your face as the neutral yellow emoji rather than the angry red one is by working on your own stuff—your self-care, your emotional health, your support system.
Setting Boundaries and Natural Consequences
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean controlling your child. It means being clear about what you will and won’t accept, and then allowing natural consequences to unfold. When you combine boundaries with reduced confrontation, you create space for your child to experience the real outcomes of their choices without the distraction of conflict with you.
Reinforcing Positive Behavior
Finally, look for opportunities to reinforce any positive behavior you see. This doesn’t mean praising your child for doing the bare minimum, but it does mean noticing and acknowledging genuine effort. Approach your child with genuine curiosity and open-ended questions. Remember that change is a long process requiring persistence and tenacity. What looks like progress today might disappear tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real or won’t return.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Does confrontation help motivate my teen to stop using substances?
No. Research shows that confrontation actually hurts motivation. Negative, confrontational approaches to changing behavior are less effective than positive, client-centered, and empathetic approaches.
Why does my child keep using substances despite the problems it causes?
Your child’s substance use is solving a problem for them—it’s an effective strategy for managing whatever they’re trying to manage. Until the cost of using outweighs the benefits they’re getting, they’re unlikely to change.
How can I influence my child’s motivation to change?
A person’s motivation is greatly impacted by others. By working on your own emotional regulation, approaching your child with curiosity rather than confrontation, and reinforcing positive behaviors, you can positively influence their motivation.
What should I do instead of confronting my child about their drug use?
Replace confrontation with genuine curiosity and open-ended questions. Work on your own self-care so you can respond calmly. Set healthy boundaries and allow natural consequences while taking a positive, empathetic approach.
Why does my child’s motivation seem to change so quickly?
Motivation can be unpredictable. What might look like progress and motivation today can completely disappear within an hour and not show up again for weeks. This is normal and doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
How do I stay calm when my child is being negative or angry?
The way to keep your response neutral rather than angry is by working on your own stuff—your self-care, emotional health, and support system. When you’re regulated, you can respond to your child’s negativity in ways that decrease rather than amplify their anger.
AI Answer Summary
Research shows that confrontation actually decreases motivation in teens struggling with substance use. Instead, parents should focus on three key approaches: managing their own emotional reactions through self-care, setting healthy boundaries with natural consequences, and using positive reinforcement. Understanding that substance use is your child’s way of solving a problem—and approaching them with curiosity rather than confrontation—creates better conditions for change. Motivation fluctuates unpredictably, so persistence and a non-confrontational approach are essential.
Transcript
Brenda Zane: Welcome back friends, I’m excited to share today’s little snack-sized episode with you because it’s an extension of one of my weekly emails that got a lot of feedback from members in The Stream and the folks on my email list. And I also think it’s great sometimes just to have a short little nugget that you can think about and work on. I do love to have long conversations with my guests. But when I have a solo episode, sometimes I think about you just running a quick errand, or you’ve got a quick dog walk, and you only have a few minutes. And so this is one of those bite-sized episodes that you can listen to quickly and think about and also put into practice really, really easily just in your day-to-day. So when I have an email that gets a lot of feedback from those who receive it, I realize that something is resonating. And so I figured that I would expand a bit on this topic, because it’s a really simple concept that can help tremendously when we’re faced with a difficult situation, or just as we move through the day-to-day of life with are really challenging kids. The concept is related to motivation, because I hear from lots of parents, that they are absolutely pulling their hair out trying to figure out how to motivate their kid or kids to make changes in their behavior. And this might be related to their substance use. But it’s also around things like just getting out of bed on time to get to school or to log into school as they’re doing right now, or going out and looking for a job or one that I hear a lot and that I went through is tracking down the necessary paperwork for court cases and court dates. There are a million things that we would really love to see our kids doing. And parents are often desperate to find ways to help motivate their kids because the nagging and negotiating and threatening just isn’t working. One thing that we do know for sure is that a person’s motivation is greatly impacted by others. And if your son or daughter lives with you, or if you interact with them regularly, their motivation is especially impacted by you as their parents. Another thing that we know through research is that confrontation hurts motivation. And there’s a really interesting research paper that I’ve put in the show notes that goes into the history of when and why the United States in particular took a turn towards this kind of punitive and confrontational treatment approach in the mid 20th century. It’s really long but if you’re a nerd like me, you will be really interested in it. You can download it from the show notes, if you’re the kind of person that likes to dig into that kind of thing. But for now, I’ll just say that it’s been shown that negative, confrontational approaches to change in behavior is less effective than positive client-centered and empathetic approaches. And this is true in treatment settings but this is also true in the home for anything, it doesn’t even have to be about substance use. And what researchers and therapists know, and I’m sure that you have experienced is that motivation can happen when the cost of what someone is doing outweighs the benefits. And so we might look at our kids and say, well, it looks to me like the costs definitely are outweighing the benefits. But our perspective doesn’t necessarily take into account things like the excruciating physical pain of withdrawal, or having to face emotional trauma, or even just finding a new group of friends to hang out with if they change their behavior. So there’s stuff going on behind the scenes that we don’t see, it can be really clear to us that there are negative consequences going on. But they haven’t quite gotten to the point where they are outweighing the benefits. So your son or daughter is definitely getting something out of their use out of their substance use, it’s solving a problem for them, it’s actually a very effective strategy at managing whatever it is that they’re trying to manage. So just remember, you’re not seeing everything that’s going on. The other thing about motivation that can be very frustrating is that it usually happens slowly, especially when someone is misusing substances. They aren’t functioning from a clear, healthy brain. So they’re not starting from the level that anybody else would be starting from. And so we really have to recognize that things might move slower than they would with someone else. If you have two kids in the home, or three or five, whatever it is. This one who is potentially using substances is going to react and respond in a different way than kids who aren’t. So just recognize that. And what might look like progress and motivation today, can completely disappear within an hour and not show up again for weeks. And so it can be credibly tempting to just throw up your hands and resort to the nagging lecturing, which really doesn’t work. So then we end up in this really frustrating cycle of going nowhere. Luckily, there are some things you can do that, at the very least, will neutralize some of the negativity and the downward spiral. And they can actually move things in a positive direction, if you’re persistent. And if you have the tenacity to hang in there, even when your son or daughter is making you crazy. And the tenacity is really important, because this is a long process and things generally, if you’re dealing with a child with substance use issues, things generally don’t just kind of spontaneously correct themselves. And so you just need to make sure that you’ve kind of fortified yourself to have that tenacity to hang in. I like simplicity because I know that you have a lot on your plate already. And that life is probably fairly chaotic if you’re listening to this. So I will talk through what I think is a simple way of looking at how we can influence motivation to change. In the show notes, there is a downloadable PDF document that will make this very easy and clear to understand. So it’s a little trickier to do in a podcast because I don’t have anything visual to show you. But I’m going to talk you through it. So if you want to grab that just go to Brendazane.com/podcast, you’ll see this episode and you can download it from those notes. There are three visuals that I want you to create in your head or to jot them down or draw them out on a piece of paper if you can. And you’re going to be drawing some faces. So you can kind of think of those as the emoji faces that are on your phone if that’s helpful. That’s sort of the imagery I want you to have in your mind. And for the first equation, think about that red angry, angry face emoji. I think there’s also one that has some swear words coming out of it or something like that. So you can imagine either one that you like, and that’s likely representative of you and your son or daughter at least some of the time. There’s usually some of this going on in the home. If that face represents your child, negative and angry, and then they are met with the same red angry emoji face. So whatever you chose for your child, same one for you, the effect on their behavior will be even greater negativity and anger. So that’s the equivalent of a giant red angry emoji face. This happens when we react out of anger or frustration or aspiration, or exhaustion, when our kids either do something that we don’t want them to do, or they don’t do something that we would like them to do. It’s those yelling matches that go nowhere, or it’s the door slamming episodes, that usually end up with somebody leaving the house saying really ugly things. So in your mind picture, the red face, plus the red face equals an even bigger red face. And you can even add on some decorations there. If you’d like a flame or an exclamation point, whatever it is, the gist of it is, it’s bad. Now the second image that I want you to think of is that same red angry emoji face that you had for your child, and a yellow emoji face with a straight mouth for you. It’s neutral. So it’s not angry, it’s not happy, it’s just neutral. So now if you have your son or daughter with the red angry emoji face, plus, you with a neutral yellow face, this will equal a smaller, red angry face without any of the decorations, exclamation points or flames or anything that you put on it. The way that you get your face to not be the angry red emoji face. But instead, the neutral yellow face is by working on your own stuff. So working on your own emotions, your self-care, setting healthy boundaries, allowing those natural consequences to take place, leaning into a support network, whatever that is for you. Working on your own substance use issues if those exist. So in other words, you are taking care of yourself and your issues so that when you get hit with the red angry emoji face of your child, you can meet it with a more calm, healthy and controlled response. That will decrease their anger and negativity. So the end result might still be negative behavior, but it will be less magnified. So instead of you amplifying it and ending up with that giant red angry emoji face, it’s going to be lessened. So you can draw or visualize the red angry emoji face, plus your yellow one equaling a smaller red angry emoji. And you can take out the flames if you want. Then finally, if you practice these neutralizing skills long enough, you’ll often start to see more neutral behavior from your son or daughter at least some of the time. And often they will start to notice that you’re doing something different and be kind of curious about it, they’ll say, my mom or my dad is responding in a different way than they used to. And sometimes they’ll just be curious about it. And then once you’re feeling more in control with those neutral neutralizing behaviors, you can start moving from neutral to positive. And positive things that you can do would be things like reinforcing any positive behavior that you see from them, being genuinely curious about their emotions and their substance use, and approaching them with open-ended questions so that you actually are starting to have a dialogue and a conversation, versus a lot of talking at each other or yelling at each other. And if you can do this over time, and consistently, their behavior can become less angry and negative. And remember, I talked a few minutes ago about tenacity. I know that this is not easy, and it sounds like it might be too simple. But that’s partly why I like this visualization. And again, if you grab the PDF, it’s going to be a lot easier to see. That’s why I think it’s really important to have something like this an image that can come to your mind really quickly. When you’re tempted to revert to negative reactions or responses. If you’ve got this in your mind, you can see how what you’re going to say or what you’re going to do will impact their response and their motivation to make changes in their life. So the final equation, the third equation looks like your son or daughter as that yellow curious emoji where they kind of have the scrunched up face and like they’re thinking about something, and you have a smiley emoji face. And if you want and you feel extra generous, you can even throw in some of the heart eyes. And if you add those two together, after the equal sign is a large, neutral, emoji face. Now I know what you would like, you would like me to say that there’s going to be this big, smiley giant face with heart, eyes and sparkles and rainbows and unicorns. But if you have a teenager or young adult who’s misusing drugs or alcohol, I am guessing that a giant happy face might not be a reality right now. And it’s just important to know that it can take a while to get there. It’s definitely not impossible. I think though, that using some of these tools, to get to a big neutral face is probably a welcome step in the right direction, you’ll take that right. It doesn’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. So the bottom line is that motivation can be encouraged, but it can also be extinguished. And so being conscious of how we’re reacting to our kids, and I like this visual of a formula is a way that we can be sure that we aren’t discouraging their positive behavior and their potential for motivation and change. Now, I know again, that this might be a little tricky to envision. So if you just go to Brendazane.com/podcast, you’ll see this episode, you can get the PDF, you can download it onto your phone might be helpful just to have you there. And it’ll just give you those equations in picture format. Also, if you want to get on my email list, so you can get the email every Wednesday that I send out just as a way to support you and what you’re going through you can go to Brendazane.com/email and just drop your email there and I’ll send you a short kind of one-pager email on Wednesdays, and I would love to be able to do that for you. You might also want to download my free ebook called “HINDSIGHT, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted To Drugs.” It is packed with information that I truly wish I had known back in the darker years with my son. And so I share it now in case it might be helpful to you in your journey. You can get that at Brendazane.com/hindsight , and I will put a link to both of these resources in the show notes as well.
