Four Strategies For Getting More of The Behavior You Want and Less of What You Don’t When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs or Alcohol, With Brenda Zane

Brenda Zane: Hello. Guess what? It is just us today. It’s been a while since I had some time to catch up and say, hello. Because I’ve had some really incredible guests on recently. We also launched the woods community for our dads and stepdads and male co-parents who are also parenting kids through the struggle of substance use and mental health. So Busy around here. And I’m really glad to just get a chance to connect. We’re also running a really cool study group for the book Beyond Addiction that our coach and advisor Dina Cannizzaro is leading. I shared her story on episode 138. If he didn’t catch that you are definitely going to want to, because there are multiple gems of wisdom. And inspiration in that episode that Dina shares. And depending on when you’re listening to this, you may want to learn more about the study Group and how you can get into a future one. So, if that sounds interesting to you, you can go to Brenda zane.com forward slash beyond addiction. And you can get more details there. And of course, I will also put a link in the show notes for that. So, let’s see what else is happening. We meaning. members in The Stream community had our signature fall retreat in park city, Utah in early October. Over which was phenomenal. We had 18 moms who all bravely left their people Home God on planes hopped in cars, got themselves to Utah and spent four days bonding, sharing, awesome experiences, eating tons of incredible food.

[00:03:00] We got to do a horse meditation Which I can’t even explain really, because it was just so beautiful and really meaningful. Well, so yeah, that all happened. And we have just announced our spring retreat. Which is coming up in April of 2023. It’ll be taking place in Saugerties, New York. We are coming out to you east coast listeners. It’s going to be in an off-the-charts, amazing venue at this location. That is super exciting. So check the show notes if you want. A link to find out more details on that. And if you’ve been on the fence about joining The Stream, this might just be your sign that it’s time to get registered because our retreats are for members only. So if you want to get in on this next one, I promise when I say it is going to be incredible, not even joking about that. And finally, before I dive into today’s topic, I want to send a huge welcome and a virtual hug to all of our friends in the UK and Australia and all over the world. I realized I should probably be sure to let you know. I’m so glad that you are. We’re here listening. We recently had a new member join the stream from Sydney. So. Hello to you. If you are in Sydney or anywhere. outside of the United States, we love you. We see you. Um, we know that you guys are obviously struggling as well. We are here in the United States. So.

[00:04:30] Anyway, I’m glad that you’ve gotten plugged in here. And just to let you know, we do accept British pounds and Australian dollars when you register for the woods so if you’re across the world and feeling like you would like to get connected. With a really great group of supportive people. You can totally do that. And I’ll put links in the show notes. You can get connected with those currencies. I think those are the updates I wanted to share. And I approach today’s episode in kind of a different In honor of our study group, that’s going through the book beyond addiction. I I thought I would open my copy of the book. And. The first section I came to that had highlighted text, I would cover in today’s And because life just works this way. Guess where I opened the book and came across more highlighted sections than probably anywhere in the Chapter 11. Which is all about consequences. I happen to know that consequences can be an area that are so confusing and frustrating. Because it’s not really clear intuitively how to get them right. So lucky you we’re going to spend some time today. Looking at For strategies for discouraging behavior, you don’t. I want. Before we get into those four things though. Let’s talk about. Behavior change. The thing that most motivates us to change our behavior is reinforcement. And

[00:06:00] as they say in the book, reinforcement is the currency of behavior change. If you’ve been working on learning craft, or if you have listened to enough hope stream podcast episodes. You have likely heard about this strategy of using positive reinforcement? 
Rewarding. Your child’s healthy, connected. Constructive and sober behavior. Which is awesome when they show those things. But what do you do when they don’t? What do you do with the behavior that you don’t want to see? What you do is you work in reverse to positive reinforcement. So just like you met their positive behavior with positive consequences, you’re going to meet their negative behavior with negative consequences. Which works to discourage it. But what’s really important to remember is these two strategies work better if you’re doing both of them, not just one or the other. So the four strategies are. Withdrawing the reward that would have come from positive behavior. Allowing natural consequences. Ignoring the behavior. And punishing the behavior. And we will get into each one next.

[00:07:30] The withdrawal of a reinforcer becomes a negative consequence. In other words, you’re taking away something that your child likes in response to a specific negative behavior. When you do that. You withdraw or reward? It strengthens the power of that reward when you use it in conjunction. With the positive behavior. And here are a few guidelines to think about. So this strategy has the best possibility of working. First, you have to know what your child likes. So that

[00:09:00] when you remove it, they will actually miss second it has to work for you when you decide to remove a reward. You need to be sure you’re okay. Doing it. So you follow through. If you communicate something that is going to be removed. And then you don’t follow through. It will backfire so, for example, if you tell your daughter. That curfew. Has midnight. And if she’s not home, you’ll be locking up the house for the night and she’ll have to sleep in the garage. You have to In this case, the reward that you’re withdrawing is a warm In bed to sleep in. Third pick something that you can withdraw quickly during or immediately after the negative behavior happens. Fourth pick something that you can turn back on when the positive behavior returns. Or returns consistently enough. I like the example they give in the book. Imagine a switch within your reach. You turn it off when the behavior you don’t want happens. And other times you turn it on so that the light shines on the behavior that you do want. Also try as best as you can to make the reward that’s being taken away. Associated specifically with their behavior. So in the example of your daughter coming home after curfew, You’re making the natural reward of her warm bed thing that you’re removing, not her phone, not the music festival that she wants to go to. So that is strategy. Number one, withdrawing rewards.

[00:10:30] Strategy number two is allowing natural consequences. This strategy is sometimes called quiet confrontation. Because allowing natural consequences helps relocate the stress and the frustration. And fight to within your child instead Being between you and them. This is where you step aside Now what’s going to happen happen. Now I am going to place a very large caveat on this one. That if you have an adolescent. There are degrees To which you will want to ease into natural consequences. Because they’re still How the world works. They also have a, not yet fully formed brain. And the part of their brain that regulates self control and decision-making. Is not complete. So allowing natural consequences, 100% of the time right out of the gate is not going to be your First strategy. You’ll be doing some education along the way. As to what happens. As a result of some of their behaviors or choices before you start stepping aside and low. Allowing the natural consequences. One way you can think about natural consequences is. If you are not allowing them to take place. You might be unintentionally reinforcing or supporting substance Or negative behavior. If you think of your child as a garden. You would be watering the weeds in

[00:12:00] Because when you shield them from the uncomfortable results of their actions, You’ve removed the downside to what they’re doing. And if you remove the downside. What is the motivation to change? So some examples of natural consequences are actual like negative physical outcomes. Things like hangovers, digestive problems, dental problems. Um, having withdrawals or having an increased tolerance. There’s also psychological negative outcomes like depression and shame and anxiety. There are behavioral costs, like just a lack of sleep, bad nutrition, kind of bad overall health. Or getting injured. Being in dangerous situations. And there are also basic cost to life. Like lost relationships, lost jobs. Financial in school problems and legal problems. So you’ll notice that these are different from punishments, right? These are things that you don’t create an impose on your son or daughter. This is when the world becomes the teacher. Not you. And trust me. I know the zillion reasons why you’re thinking you cannot and will not allow natural consequences to take And some are more reasonable than others. When you think about allowing natural consequences? You have to put your seatbelt on and pull your team around you. Very tightly. Because it is not fun. And things And they get

[00:13:30] worse before they get better. The question, ask yourself if you’re stepping in and softening the consequences of your son or daughter’s actions, is am I avoiding. allowing the world to teach him or her. Because Too painful for me. Is it too hard for me to consider the potential. Potential outcomes of that. And if so, why is that so unbearable for me? And it’s so good if you’re at a point where you can. I can even have this dialogue internally with yourself. And then I would highly encourage you to have a dialogue with a therapist. or a coach. To dig deeper into this area and to start to plan out How you can begin letting go of some of those outcomes. Natural consequences are not for the faint of heart. So please don’t wing it or get caught up in an emotional moment and react with big swinging statements or anything like Be intentional about knowing what you can and can’t live with. Why that is. And what the implications will be. Just going through that exercise alone will get you along And a final note on natural consequences is you’re not going. To spring this on your child, out of If you then rescuing and stepping in to smooth things over for. For a while now. I don’t just go cold Turkey on them and leave them out to hang. You can have Conversation I had with my son at one point. This is how I kind of shared the

[00:15:00] news with him. That I was changing. I found an opportunity where he was not under the influence. And we were doing something else. I can’t remember what, but we were not face-to-face so this was not. quote-unquote the talk. This was a conversation that I worked into part of the day. And I said, buddy, you know I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I have been treating you You were a toddler and patting you from. All the sharp edges in It’s like I’ve been childproofing the world so that you didn’t bump into a corner. And get a black guy. And I’m sorry that I am still doing that now that you’re 19. I recognize you’re so capable and resourceful. You’re highly intelligent. So I’m going to start working on stepping back now and. Letting you live in the world as all adults do. Which means if you get yourself into a situation and the consequences of that situation suck. That’s going to be for you to figure out. I won’t be making excuses for you missing work or driving you to work because you missed the bus. I won’t be loaning you money because you spent years before you got paid. And it’s going to be hard for me. Because I’m your mom. And I’ve been doing this for a long time. But I see it is not. Helping you. Move in a positive direction. And I think I’ve actually. Held you back by doing what I’ve been doing. I’m

[00:16:30] sorry, it’s taking me this long to figure this out and I’m probably not going to get it perfect every time. But I know you, and I know you’re capable of more than I have been giving you credit for. So just know that things are going to be different. And I’m happy About anything specific. If you have questions about how I’m going to be acting. So that was my way of starting to let go. I had that conversation several times because. I wasn’t always sure that he was in a state of mind to totally comprehend what I was doing when I was doing it. And I always started with I’m sorry. I wanted him to know that I knew. That I was playing a part in what was going on and I was making a change because I felt badly about my behavior. And I will say it gave me a run for my money because I then. Then had to follow through. When he came home and I locked the door from the garage to the house. And he had to sleep in the garage. It killed me to watch him enter the truancy system at school and know that he was not going to be graduating from high. High school with his class. And it terrified me to not bail him out. When I got the collect call from the Seattle city jail. So I will wrap it up there on natural consequences because I could go on for hours, but those are the main. Main points to know. It’s going to be hard. May get worse before they get better. And

[00:18:00] also on a good note there’s usually a sense of release. And relief that comes from knowing that you are not Think of consequences or ways to fix situations. Because it’s now out of your hands. So strategy number three is to ignore negative behavior. Also known as the art of doing. Nothing. This is a next level skill that can be incredibly effective if taken and done the right way. It’s when you give the least amount of reinforced. Forcement possible. Which has absolutely nothing. This is different from giving someone the cold shoulder. Or a dramatic. Silent treatment. Where there’s lots of negative body language going on. It’s just a message of, Hmm. I’m not interested in this behavior. Here’s the big thing to know about the art of doing nothing. It’s not the strategy you use toward their substance use. You’re going to use positive reinforcement or removing a reward for that. You’re going to use this when they freak out and overreact about the fact that you took away. Away a reward or you allowed a natural consequence ‘ Because I know you are already imagining what that scenario is going to And you’re probably thinking of the yelling match. That might follow that. This is when you level up your skills and remain calm. Try to act Uninterested with their response. And move

[00:19:30] into a different location of possible. Or onto a different activity. If you react in aligned. Alignment with their reaction. You are just pouring fuel onto It Is true that if they can’t have positive attention, people. Choose negative. Attention over none. We’re such social creatures. That we would rather fight. I argue, complain and get into verbal confrontations. Then be ignored. So doing nothing. Being calm. Not getting sucked into their response is your best friend. It’s ninja level. And if you can You’ll start to notice a way more calm presence in your relationship and in your home. And they may notice that you’ve changed your strategy in this crazy. The game of chess. And their reaction may get more intense before they realize that they can’t trick you into the battles anymore. When they begin to realize that what has worked in the past to get you all riled up and to distract you from the real issue going on. Isn’t working anymore. They’re going to make some last Valiant attempts to break you. But you aren’t going to break. You are going Take some deep breaths. Again, pretend like you’re so uninteresting. Interested in this conversation. And politely, excuse yourself. Did I mention

[00:21:00] ninja level. Strategy number four is punishment. And it’s the one that falls in the not recommended category. And here’s why. You can definitely meet behavior that you don’t like with a punishment. But this almost never eliminates the behavior. It usually pushes it underground. Punishing someone might feel really good in the moment. It might make you feel powerful or right. Or like you’re in control of the situation. But it ends up causing problems in the long run and usually doesn’t help build healthy relationships between people. It’s important to remember that people change because they want to not because. Because they’re being forced to, I love the sane people. Don’t resist They resist being changed. And when you punish someone. One for their behavior. You’re just suppressing a behavior. You’re not encouraging or. Teaching a new or healthier option to that behavior. So the best way to do that is to teach them or expose them to a better competing behavior. That gets more desirable results. Even if that’s over time. And just to note. If your son or daughter has add or ADHD. You have even more incentive to find alternatives to punishment. Because the only positive thing about punishment is that it can

[00:22:30] usually be anticipated. And people who Struggle with impulsivity. And other add symptoms aren’t particularly good at looking into the future. And considering The consequences. So your punishment. Can lead them to feeling extreme. Streamline helpless, defeated. And feeling like a total failure. And speaking from experience. I can attest to the validity of this because if your child Is under the age of 25 ish. And they also have add. Or ADHD. You are dealing with a triple. Triple whammy of impulsivity. The impact of substances on their brain. And an Prefrontal cortex, which is the Bermuda triangle of disaster. So adding highly emotional punishments that feel unrelated and shameful. They’re not going to make things better. Trust me. I tried this for. For you and I am here to report. It does not work. Overall the goal is to Your child feel like the world. And your relationship with each other is in a good and satisfying When they’re not using substances. And when they are using the world should feel Worse. It should feel like a place that has fewer rewards and is less comfortable. And before we wrap up, there’s an underlying principle to apply to all of this. And that is your body

[00:24:00] language. Your expressions. Your tone of voice. And at the root of it, it is your intent. If you say something like. Oh, it’s not great for me to be around you when you’re high, I’m going to go work out at the gym. Feel free to make yourself some dinner. That is very different from. Your high again, I’m not making dinner for you. Also quietly doing something for yourself while your son or daughter is being disruptive. Is radically different. From storming around the house and giving them the silent treatment while you make Sure they know how pissed off you are by slamming doors. Or banging around Your goal is to make the non rewarding part of this S calm non-judging. Judgmental and unemotional as possible. Again, it’s not easy. And it is an incredibly powerful tool. That you have in your tool belt. So for a quick You because I know that was a lot. There are four strategies. Jeez, you can use to get more of the behavior you want. And less. The behavior you But there are only three that you really want to use. And you’re going to use them Conjunction with each other. They’re like a team strategy, not silos. Number one, you can withdraw positive Enforcers. Number two, you can allow natural consequences. Number three, you can employ the art of doing nothing. Or ignoring the behavior.

[00:25:30] This is the one that never gets applied directly to the substance use itself. And you can punish the behavior. Which is the one you want to avoid. Alright, my friend, this is hard stuff. This is stuff most parents never even think about. So before you go on with your day, please give yourself a giant pat on the back for being For being open to learning new ideas. New ways of doing things. It’s so, so. Again, all the info I talk about is listed in the show And you find [email protected] forward slash podcast. And then search for episode number one 40. You might also want to download a free ebook. I wrote. Called hindsight. Three things. I wish I knew when my son was misusing drugs. It’s exactly like, it sounds, it’s three things that I so Wish I had known when we were in the thick It’ll give Some insight as to what’s going on and why. And also gives you some ways to stay healthier as. As you do this really hard thing. You can download that at. At Brenda’s ane.com four slash hind site. Thank you. For being here, stay strong and I will meet you right back here next week.