Ten Hard Truths You Need to Know if Your Teen is Experimenting With Drugs or Alcohol with Brenda Zane

 Brenda Zane
Welcome. Today’s episode is all about some hard truths that you need to hear if your child is experimenting, or actually you’ve confirmed that they are doing drugs or alcohol. And this is a tough one for a lot of people for a lot of parents in particular, because it’s hard. There’s a lot of hard stuff you got to do when when you know this and having been through this with myself and also with lots of parents. I can tell you that it’s it’s tempting and sometimes easier in the short term to sort of bury your head in the sand and hope that this is going to go away. And so this episode is just going to be 10 hard truths that you have to know. And you know, you may end up kind of skipping over a few if you feel like they don’t apply at this point. But you also may want to come back to some of them, because they may apply in another time. 
So this is for you parents, if you are in that stage where, you know, you’ve smelled weed a few times, or you’ve heard from a neighbor that there was a lot of alcohol at the party that the kids were at last weekend. And you know, you may be getting knots in your stomach when your son or daughter comes home. And they kind of quickly avert and avoid your eyes before they disappear into their room. Because it’s, it’s hard, it’s hard to know what’s going on. It’s hard to know how to respond to that. And all I can say is welcome to the difficult years. It is hard. And that’s why I’m sharing these entries with you so that you’ll kind of have some insight and also have some ideas of what you can do and some things that you probably want to avoid doing and I know how everybody feels because I’ve been in these your shoes as well saying, you know, this can’t be right. This can’t be right my kids not using drugs. There’s probably a friend in the car who was smoking pot. You know, when you smell it on his jeans in the laundry, that’s probably why. Or, you know, you may have talked to your your son or daughter a couple of times about how disappointed you would be if they used alcohol if they drank, especially if they, you know, were to drink and drive. But it hasn’t really been an ongoing conversation with them. It’s something that you’ve mentioned a few times, but you know, not made a huge deal about and so a lot of times in in this phase, I sort of call it the gray zone. Parents tend to hope and wish and pray and think that this is just a phase. And, you know, I can tell you from sort of six years of scar tissue that you can avoid some of the drama and some of the pain and anxiety that comes along with teen substance use if you are to keep your head high, keep your eyes open, be vigilant, Be alert, don’t be, you know, afraid to be the parent and to be the person who has to deliver the bad news or be the one who you know is a bummer sometimes because you don’t allow certain things. I promise you, that is going to be a lot less painful than going through what myself and a lot of other parents have been through where what seems to be very innocent and sort of experimental use turns into something more, and I 100% can guarantee you that that’s going to be more painful than having some ongoing healthy and productive dialogue with your kids before they get there. 
So in the absence of having sort of a a sherpa along with me when my son was 13, and started experimenting with with pot and with alcohol, I just completely fumbled along in the dark, I cried a lot, I yelled a lot. I’d beat myself up a lot. And none of that really made me effective as a parent, as a mom, or as somebody that my son could turn to, for help and to turn to with questions. And in in light of all of that, I put together these 10 truths for you. And you know, it won’t be a fun thing to hear sometimes. But I think they’re really important. And I think if you are in this in the phase where you’re questioning whether your child may or may not be getting into something more serious, this could be really, really helpful for you. 
Truth #1: It’s probably more than they’re telling you
So I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you’re saying Her daughter’s saying, Oh, I just you know, I smoked a little pot once in a while or you know, every once in a while I will. Or I just tried a beer at this party, but I really hated it, you’re gonna want to dig a little deeper. There is lots of research out there that will be all this will be linked in the show notes that 10 kids tend to understate their usage. And they do this because A, they’re kids and they don’t want to get in trouble. But also they don’t want to freak you out and they don’t want to scare you. And if they are still in the experimentation phase, and they’re not addicted, they probably see this is really harmless behavior. So they tend to to understate some research shows up to about 50%, how much and how often they’re using. So things that you want to stay aware of in this phase and when you’re trying to figure this out is really look at their moods, really look at their demeanor, their friends, their appearance. And if this is something that You have either seen or smelled, or you just really strongly suspect drug or alcohol use, you’re going to want to dive deeper. And moms tend to have a very, very good sense kind of that intuitive sense of what’s going on with their kids. And so, listen to that. Don’t ignore that. And don’t just think that you’re crazy or think that you are, you know, on on the bad side of your kid. If you’re really feeling it in your gut and you kind of know, that is what you want to listen to. And again, it’s probably more than they’re telling you.
Truth #2: it’s okay to search their room if you suspect they’re using drugs or alcohol
This is sometimes controversial, but I will give you my take on it. Your child, most likely, I’m guessing lives in a home environment of some sort, home condo, apartment, whatever they You’re paying for. And if they’re under the age of 18, you are legally obligated to take care of them and to ensure their health and their safety to the best of your ability. That means that you may need to dig a little bit to understand the scope of what they’re involved in the scope to which their health and wellness might be at risk. And this can feel bad. I know because I’ve done it and you, it just doesn’t feel good. I know we all want to protect our kids privacy. But if you suspect or you know that they’re using, this is just something that you’re going to have to do and they’re going to get really pissed off about it. I can just tell you that now if they find out you’re they’re going to get mad. And that’s okay. That is your job is to know what they’re doing to know to what degree they’re doing. And what you find will give you some indications about what they’re doing. And this is one time when you really need to put on your Sherlock hat. So Don’t do just a general look around and then say, Oh, nope, I didn’t find anything. Everything’s fine. Kids are unbelievably creative when it comes to hiding what they don’t want you to find. So you will need to look in their alarm clock. You will want to look in anything electronic that has batteries, that little battery area where you pop off the the outer piece of whatever it is around the battery. There’s space there to hide things. Make up containers that you would probably not ever think about, like lip glosses, lipsticks, tampon boxes, air vents in their bedroom, behind posters, candy wrappers, all of these things are really ingenious places that kids find to hide things. So put on your Sherlock hat, do a little bit of research and don’t feel bad about it. 
Truth #3: do not brush this off as a phase
A lot of us parents say well,I smoked pot in high school, I drank when I went to parties, it’s really just a phase, you know, and we remember fondly the post homecoming keggers and all of those things. But today’s substances are not the same as they used to be, especially when you’re talking about marijuana. And that is something that you know, kids will throw back  at you while you smoke pot when you are young. But the potency in cannabis today has skyrocketed from around 2% potency before 1992 up to 28% potency in strains that are sold today. So we’re talking a very different substance and then when you add to that, that they can vape it that there’s you know, dabbing there’s all kinds of different forms. And, and potencies it’s just a completely different game. And you know, vaping is so rampant in high schoolers middle school and High School, that it was even the topic of the US Surgeon General’s new Health Advisory. And then I just have to talk about the scariest one of all, which is illicit fentanyl, which is being cut into every substance that’s out there that people are getting. So brushing us off as of phase, until you really have a handle on what’s going on could be really, really dangerous. And I don’t say that to scare you, I’m just saying you got to stay on top of it. You have to really understand how often this is going on? Who is going on with what substances are being used. And it may be a phase, I’m not saying that kids don’t there aren’t kids who go Don’t go through a phase. There definitely are that you would rather err on the side of being a little more cautious and really understanding than not because these substances and we’ll talk about this more in point number four the substances are deadly. Now you just don’t really have the luxury of being able to look it over and just sort of hope that it’s going to pass. 
Truth #4: kids are dying of overdoses who are not addicted to drugs
These kids are not addicts. So, if you’re thinking, you know, I know my kid isn’t addicted because they don’t have any of the signs of addiction, you could very well be right. And I hope that you are right. But their lack of true kind of quote unquote addiction doesn’t mean that they’re not at risk for an overdose. This is because like I said, just previously, fentanyl is being created illegally produced illegally in China and Mexico, it is brought into the US and then it’s cut into all kinds of different substances and what your kid may be thinking they’re taking, as you know, a leftover from their best friends, you know, wisdom tooth removal is actually fentanyl cut with OsyContin and it’s stamped with OxyContin. So they think they’re actually taking OxyContin. This is one of the reasons why you have kids who are star athletes, they are straight A students there, they’re not addicted to drugs in any way shape or form and they are still dying of overdoses because you can take your very first pill of your entire life. And that could be the one that is cut with too much fentanyl and you will not wake up. This is really Russian Roulette and it doesn’t matter how many or how often they have been taking these pills. It will kill them because the potency is so strong and there is a zero regulation obviously in the illicit drug market to make sure that there’s a proper amount in that pill. Again, pills that are even labeled as Xanax or as OxyContin absolutely will have fentanyl cut into them. And so kids who are thinking oh, this is safe because I can see it says what it is on the on the pill and the marking that is most likely not actually what it is. 
Truth #5: you are going to have to learn some new skills and adopt a new mindset about substance use
Navigating these conversations and this time in your child’s life really means that you have to take proactive steps and it you know, those practice steps that you take and you invest the time in can alter the course of your child’s relationships with substances, but this is gonna take some ninja parenting I’m not gonna lie to you it is not easy. So up until you know the age of 12, 13, we have a pretty great time with our kids and obviously there is you know, parenting skills, discipline and all that that. But once you hit that tween to teen years, it takes next level parenting today with all the substances that are out there to be able to have productive conversations that will really result in in positive emotions for your kids positive actions by them. And one of the greatest resources for this is motivational interviewing techniques, and I won’t go into it now, let me know if you guys want I will do an entire podcast or a series on motivational interviewing because it is really, I kind of call it the secret sauce of parenting, to where you’re not just telling your kids and demanding and threatening, you’re actually creating a dialogue that helps them understand themselves and understand why they might want to not use drugs or why they might want to not drink at that party next weekend. And it’s sort of magical You learn those techniques, and you can really have a conversation with your kid that is open and positive. And it’s not accusatory, it’s not demeaning. So I can’t stress enough how important that is. And the thing is that it also takes practice. So when you first start learning these skills, it can feel really clunky and really bumpy. And you think, oh, my gosh, I totally screwed that up. I should have I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said it in that way. I should have asked this question instead. And that’s okay, they’re still going to learn from you and they’re still going to understand that you’re trying to engage in in a really open conversation with them. So don’t put it off because it does take a little bit of time. To you know, to start really understanding how to naturally have these conversations. And again, I’m gonna link to resources in the show notes, but one of the best ones that I can recommend from having used it and other parents using it is the Partnership for Drug Free Kids, and all the resources that they have there, they have videos and books that you can just follow along and actually just listen to a video and watch a video of a parent interacting, so that you can kind of learn what the language sounds like. 
Truth #6: you’re going to have to look at your own substance use
This one’s not fun or easy for any parent, but it is critical for laying a good foundation for your child. And so looking at how you use either alcohol or any other substances really requires a level of maturity. That might mean for now you need to either reduce what you’re using or to quit what you’re doing, really to be able to set an example of how you can live a life without chemically altering your mind, your state of mind and so, you know that again, this can be its own podcast in its own hour, but you may want to engage a professional therapist or counselor for this one. Especially in states where marijuana is legal. There’s, there’s a lot of confusion. So you can imagine if you’re a kid, and you’re watching your parents, and you’re watching your parent’s friends, and if they’re all using substances and using them regularly and using them openly around around kids, it’s gonna send a really mixed message. And I’m not saying that you have to quit or abstain. I just think it’s really important to look at what message that might be sending and kind of one way to think about it is if if you’re doing it would you be okay, if your child’s doing it, even though they might not be 21, which is the legal age. Let’s say they turn 21 tomorrow, would you be okay with them, consuming whatever you’re consuming, and just and just think about that, but again, a therapist or counselor might be somebody that you should kind of bring into your circle to, to walk through that and really understand what that means for you, and for the way you want to live your life and how that is going to impact your kiddos.
Truth #7: you need to find out what is going on because it’s actually not drugs or alcohol
I’ll explain what I mean by that. So as a parent, it’s really easy to see our kids using drugs or using alcohol and we do a lot of work to fix that problem. We do a lot of work to get them to stop drinking or to stop smoking pot or to stop taking Xanax or whatever it is that they’re doing. And we put 100% of our effort into mitigating that use, whether it’s grounding them or searching their backpacks or checking in on them at friends houses or you know smelling their car, whatever it is that we do. We focus all of our effort on fixing that problem, and what happens if we just do that is that we’re excluding a deeper level of work that requires us to find out why they’re doing that. Why are they doing substances? Why are they wanting to tune out or numb out or fit in, or not stand out, which is a lot of the reasons so not every kid has been, you know, traumatized and is using drugs to to numb themselves from that. I think there’s a lot of kids who just use it to fit in and you know, they’re drinking at the party, because everyone else is drinking at the party, and they don’t want to stand out and they don’t want to be the one who’s different. So just think about when if you’re in that situation, think yes, that their substance use is really look at it more of a symptom. So if you’re only trying to solve the symptom, put a bandaid on it, you’re not really getting into why the injury happened in the first place. And I use the term injury lightly, I don’t mean that they have to be injured or traumatized greatly to be using substances. And so this is really where those pro level parenting skills come in. Because if you’re learning those, you’re going to uncover what those kind of root causes are. And then you’ll be able to work with that. And it doesn’t mean that they’re going to just instantly stop and abstain, and they’re never going to use a substance again, but it’s really important to understand your kid and why they’re doing what they’re doing. And that can just turn into such a beautiful conversation with them. If you’re, you know, if you’re, you’re saying, hey, I get it. I know you smoked last weekend. But let’s talk about like, what is that doing for you and why do you think you did that? And it just creates an environment for them, where they don’t feel criticized and they don’t feel like you’re coming down on them. Just for doing this, but you’re really trying to understand what’s going on in their brain and in their body. And that’s a really special thing to be able to do as a parent. So make sure and really focus on some of those those skills that will let you dig deeper than just what’s going on on the surface.
Truth #8: you and your partner are going to have to get on the same page
Like the other seven, this is not easy. But you know, just like when when your kids were toddlers, your teenage child is going to figure out how to play one parent against the other. And that will just create confusion and anger and anxiety and just chaos about their substance use and they know this. And so they’ll find the smallest little crack in your alignment. And they will drive a canyon between the two of you. And so that is just one of the hardest things that you’re going to have to do is to figure out how to get on the same page. And I hear this very frequently, the parents are not on the same page that one parent thinks it’s a phase, the other parent is very worried, wants to take more serious action. And there’s just a lot of tension between the parents, which then gets felt by the child. And so I, I didn’t put these in order of importance, maybe I should have done that. But I would put this at the near the top of things to do, because if you’re doing all of the others, but you and your spouse are on a different page, it just creates a breeding ground for confusion and kind of a little escape route for your child to say, Ah, well, they can’t even figure it out. They can’t get on the same page. So what the heck I’m not going to try and you know, do it. So, trying to get aligned on those things. And it may mean some education, it may mean again, a therapist or a family counselor to really spend the time that you need to walk through this with your spouse or your partner, or maybe it’s an ex spouse or partner that you’re having to do this with. And you’ve got to really talk about your own viewpoints about substance use, what are your beliefs? What are your fears? You know, what do you fear most about this? And whatever it takes to get on the same page, you really need to do that because you’ve got to come into this as a united front. Because this is a very serious issue. And when it has to do with your child’s health and their well being and even their life, they need to see that their mom and dad their, you know, parents who may be divorced or a step parent, it’s so important for them to see that you are locked and loaded on your viewpoints on what is acceptable in your household and what’s not. And that they’re not able to drive that wedge between you.
Truth #9: get some professional help before you think you need it
If you’re listening to this, that probably means there’s something going on that’s making you either suspicious or worried, or you’ve confirmed your suspicion and you’re worried. And that means it is past time to get help. Some of the initial things that I hear most from parents and that I went through some of the initial sort of yellow lights and warning lights that go on are things like kids sneaking out of the house at night, or going out and not coming home. So you’re getting the phone call or the text at 11 or so saying, oh, I’m gonna spend the night here. I’m gonna spend the night there. Or you’re not getting a phone call at all and your child’s not coming home. Or you actually have witnessed them either being high or being drunk. Sometimes it’s shoplifting. Sometimes it’s skipping school, so you’re getting the robo call from the school saying that your child was not In a certain period that day now with Coronavirus, I don’t know how that works, because I don’t have a child in school right now. But you obviously see if they’re not home. And when those things are happening, or if you’re getting that nagging feeling in your stomach, that is the time to pull in professional help and get that person on your team. 
And don’t think of getting help as kind of this admission of oh, I’m not adequate as a parent or I don’t have the right skills as a parent. When you call in somebody who has decades of experience and degrees and certifications in a very specific topic, that is really you became stronger and more proactive and a better parent, because you’re saying I want to get the best help in my corner to help my child and so don’t look at this as sort of a resigning to okay, I couldn’t do on my own now I have to bring in somebody else, really look at it as you been a very positive, very educated and alert parent to know that you probably unless you’re a therapist, you probably don’t have four to eight to 10 years of schooling and education and how to have a conversation and deal with teenagers, adolescents, young adults who are using substances. I know I didn’t. I spent a lot of time trying to do that and to have those conversations and to resolve this on my own. And I can tell you for a fact an advertising executive, or a pilot or a lawyer or a grocery store checker, or a PE teacher or bus driver, we just don’t have the skills that are needed. You can learn them, but you don’t necessarily have them at the get go right when you need them. Right when your child is is in need of them. So know that you’re the strongest and bravest parent if you do reach out and ask for help. And that might be a free community resource that might be online resources, if you know if you’re really in a situation where you can’t afford to hire a therapist or a counselor, but even Medicaid does provide for certain levels of mental health treatment. So don’t just assume that whatever your situation is, don’t assume that you can’t afford it. Really dig in and find out many therapists have a sliding scale fee. So they’ll take a look at your income and they’ll adjust their fees. So if you see the $150 per hour rate, and that just you know is just way out of the realm of possibility for you still call and ask if they have a sliding scale fee, because most of the time they do they want to help you that’s why they went into the profession. So just be be very vigilant about finding the help You need and be proud of yourself for doing it. 
Truth #10: you absolutely influence your teen’s behavior and their beliefs
And number 10 is the hard truth. It’s a it’s a positive truth, but I think parents don’t believe it. And that is that you do absolutely influence your teen’s behavior and their beliefs. So do not give up. And there’s research on this just abundant research that shows that parents absolutely influenced their kids substance use, and in fact that they are the most influential factor in kids deciding what they do in those situations where there’s an opportunity to use a substance. So even if your kid is experimenting, or if they’re, if they’re actively using and you know, they’re potentially even addicted, don’t give up because your input and your guidance really makes a difference. And, you know, if if you sort of are vague about what you believe what’s acceptable in your house and what your boundaries are, what the rules are, they’ll push that they’re teenagers, that’s kind of their job. That’s how they’re wired is they’re going to push any boundary that looks like there’s not a firm line. So know that you are influential. Draw those lines. And don’t be vague about it. Pull in your professional help get those, you know, PhDs and licensed social workers on your side and on your team. And just know that you absolutely do have influence and keep talking and keep modeling for them. The behavior that you want to see and them because they are watching and they’re listening, and it may not look like it. It may look like they’re, you know, in a completely different realm. Like they’re an alien that you you don’t even know what world they live in. But they are watching you and they are listening to you. And again, it may be a couple of years down the line before you see the results of that. But know that it actually is happening. 
So there you go the 10 hard truths that you need to know as a parent. If your child is experimenting with drugs, I will go through them quickly and then I really encourage you to pop over to the show notes. It’s there on my website BrendaZane.com/hopestream/15. But when you land there, you’ll be able to see it. 
Summary
So the 10 hard truths. 
Number one, it’s probably more than what they’re telling you. 
Number two, it’s okay to search their room if you suspect that they’re using drugs or alcohol. 
Number three, don’t brush this off as a phase. 
Number four kids are dying of overdose who are not addicted to drugs. 
Number five, you’re going to have to learn some new skills and adopt a new mindset about substance use. 
Number six, you’re going to have to look at your own substance use 
Number seven, you’ll need to find out what the problem is because it’s not drugs or alcohol. 
Number eight, if you have a spouse or partner, or an ex spouse or partner, you’re going to have to get on the same page. 
Number nine, get professional help before you think you need it. 
And number 10, you do absolutely influence your team’s behavior and beliefs. 
Thank you so much for listening, everyone. I appreciate it so much. And what I also really appreciate is when you leave a review and just a comment on the podcast and a rating that hopes to bump it up just a little bit in the various podcast directories, so more parents can find this help. And if you’re a mom in particular who’s listening and you’re pulling your hair out or you’re crying a lot because this is a really stressful time for you with your child. I would love to see you in our online community is kind of a little sanctuary that we meet in where it’s not on Facebook. It’s not on Instagram, it’s just its own beautiful little island for moms where we get together online. And you can find all kinds of ways to get in stay as healthy as possible when you’re going through a lot of stress. And so that is called the stream. And you can find out all about it at my website, BrendaZane.com/thestream. 
If you would like to get some additional information from me and a little bit more of an inside view, you can download an ebook that I wrote, it’s called hindsight: Three things I wish I knew when my son was addicted to drugs and it’s just very simple but some good nuggets in there that might help you if you’re going through it right now and that’s on my website as well. BrendaZane.com/hindsight. So learn from what I did not know. Thank you again for listening and I will meet you back here next week.