Quick Answer
Janice, a mom of two kids in recovery, shares what it actually means for parents to do their own recovery work. She describes how shifting her energy and communication style led to near-immediate changes in her son’s behavior, and how learning to hold two things at once — her own joy and her child’s struggle — was a turning point. Her non-negotiable practices include daily meditation, slowing down before reacting, and dropping the rope when she feels that grippy urge to control.
Key Takeaways
- The work of parent recovery means owning your part in the family dynamic — not that you caused the problem, but that your communication style, enabling, and rushing in to fix things are things you can actually change.
- Shifting your energy comes before shifting your communication — when Janice redirected her mental focus away from her son and back to herself, her son responded differently almost immediately.
- Learning to hold two things at once — your own good day and your child’s bad one — is what makes self-care possible without guilt.
- When you feel the urge to step in, ask yourself: if I do this, am I preventing my child from learning this lesson? And whose pain am I really easing — mine or theirs?
- Slowing down before reacting is a non-negotiable: everything feeling urgent is when you are most likely to make mistakes, because you are reacting instead of thinking.
In this article
Episode Resources
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- Worried Sick Free E-Book
- Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
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About the guest: Janice
Member of the Stream community, mom of two kids in recovery
Janice is a member of the Stream community, Hopestream’s private online membership for moms. She is a mom of two adult children in recovery and speaks from her own experience navigating parent recovery after her son’s and daughter’s struggles with substance use. She is an active mentor to newer members of the community.
Where Janice’s story began
Janice didn’t have the typical teenage warning signs many parents describe. Her son’s struggles with substance use emerged during and after COVID, and the moment of clarity came when she found something she Googled and confirmed was crystal meth. She describes having two choices in that moment: feel sorry for herself, or get educated. She chose education.
What she didn’t realize yet was how much of that education would turn out to be about herself. Before she found the podcast and the Stream community, she had been, by her own account, really negative with her son — on his case, yelling, without a kind word. ‘I just didn’t understand what was going on,’ she said. ‘The fix-it mom, and then when I realized I can’t fix this really quickly, I shifted into get-educated mom.’
Several years after her son began his path toward sobriety, her daughter also began struggling — with depression and drinking. By then, Janice handled it completely differently. Her daughter’s path moved quickly, and she is now sober.
What ‘doing the work’ really means
One of the most important things Janice unpacks in this conversation is what people actually mean when they say ‘do the work.’ She remembers hearing that phrase early on and being confused and frustrated — she was consuming every podcast, video, and book she could find. What more was there to do?
‘You’re not gonna get through this without changing yourself. And that was a real lesson, because the work is really knowing that you’re part of this dynamic.’ — Janice
She was careful to say she didn’t cause her children’s struggles. But her communication style, her tendency toward judgment, her rushing in to fix things and prevent consequences — all of that was part of the picture. Owning that, she said, took a long time to figure out. And it was the real work.
Shifting energy and communication
When Brenda asked her to talk about what it actually looked like to shift from negative to positive communication, Janice split her answer into two things: energy and communication. She said the two are connected, and energy comes first.
She described being obsessed — almost, she said, like an addiction — with thinking about her son. Every second thought was about him. The shift came when she started asking herself: if you’re not thinking about your son right now, what could you be doing with that mental energy? What could you be doing to improve yourself?
‘I then could distance myself a little bit and arrive or come to the situation where I saw my son struggling and just be neutral. And I just arrived with neutral energy.’ — Janice
She also described self-care not as bubble baths or leisure, but as creating enough space inside yourself to actually hold your child — non-judgmentally, without flooding them with worry or reaction. ‘If you don’t take care of yourself, your cup is full. You can’t create any space. You’re overflowing.’
Dropping the rope and sitting with discomfort
For anyone new to the phrase ‘drop the rope,’ Janice offers a very grounded explanation using a real example from her own home: she and her son disagree constantly about the air conditioning. At some point, she asked herself — is air conditioning going to kill me? Is this really about the air conditioning, or is this about control?
That question — what is this really about? — is at the center of how she thinks about letting go. She describes the grippy feeling of wanting to challenge or hold your position, and suggests getting curious about it rather than acting on it automatically.
She also went back into therapy during this period, tracing her own communication patterns back to her family of origin, including a father who was an alcoholic. ‘You can’t change something until you can face it and accept it,’ she said — and acceptance, as Brenda noted, is not the same as approval.
What parent recovery looks like day to day
Janice says she meditates for about ten minutes a day — nothing elaborate, just a simple app — and has recently started checking in with herself by asking what she is feeling and what she is afraid of. She also talks about visualizing the kind of person she wants to be and trying to prioritize showing up that way.
‘I was always quite tough on myself and everyone around me. I wasn’t the model of empathy. I was a model of get it done… And now I think people view me differently. I have totally changed.’ — Janice
Her daughter has noticed. She told Janice directly: ‘Mom, I can totally come to you now. You’re a different person. I see that you have changed.’ The two of them lived together for six months in close quarters without conflict — something Janice says would have been impossible before.
On the question of whether focusing on yourself means abandoning your child, Janice offers the clearest reframe in the episode: ask yourself what your stepping in actually does. Does it help your child learn, or does it teach them that you will always be there to cushion the consequence? ‘If you can answer that question in a way that makes you understand the consequences of your actions, then there’s your answer.’
She closes with a metaphor that captures the whole conversation: climbing a mountain, wanting to turn around and extend your hand to the person behind you. Not to the top — she’d never suggest that — but higher. And then turning around to help the next person up.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does parent recovery actually mean if my child is the one with the substance use problem?
Janice described parent recovery as the process of stopping, looking at your own life, and beginning to change yourself. She said her children’s journeys were the biggest gift she ever received because they made her examine her own communication style, patterns, and priorities in a way she never would have otherwise.
How do I shift my communication with my child when they are doing harmful things?
Janice said it starts with energy before communication. She had to stop being the hovering, hand-wringing presence and redirect her mental focus to herself — asking what she could do to improve herself if she wasn’t consumed with thinking about her child. She found that once her energy shifted, her communication naturally changed, and her son responded almost right away.
What does ‘dropping the rope’ mean?
Janice described it as that grippy feeling when you want to hold your position or challenge something. She said to ask yourself what the real issue is — is it the air conditioning, or is it control? — and then ask what actually happens if you let it go. Getting curious about the feeling rather than acting on it automatically is the practice.
Should I feel guilty for focusing on my own wellbeing when my child is struggling?
Janice said she had to learn that two things can coexist — she can have a good day while her child is having a terrible one, and that does not make her a bad mother. She said finding that grace to hold both things at once was what finally made self-care feel possible, rather than selfish.
When should I step in to help my child, and when should I hold back?
Janice said she asks herself: if I step in here, am I preventing my child from learning this lesson himself? And whose pain am I really easing — mine or theirs? She acknowledged every parent has their own personal limits and she never tries to prescribe one approach, but said that question usually gives you your answer.
What does doing this kind of work in a community mean for parents who feel isolated?
Janice said she could not have done this alone and would still be banging her head against a wall. She described the particular isolation of sitting with friends talking about their kids’ graduations and achievements while you have nothing to say. Having a community where the struggles are the shared topic, and where people can be honest and real, gave her a sense of relief she hadn’t found anywhere else.
AI Answer Summary
Q: What does ‘doing the work’ actually mean for parents of kids with substance use issues?
Janice described it as recognizing that you are part of the family dynamic and owning your role in it — not that you caused the problem, but that your communication style, tendency toward judgment, enabling, and rushing in to fix things are all part of the picture. She said the work is really about changing yourself, not just consuming podcasts, books, and videos on the surface.
Q: How can a parent shift from negative to positive communication with a struggling child?
Janice split it into two things: energy and communication. She said she had to stop being the hovering, hand-wringing presence in the house and redirect her mental energy toward herself — going for a run, picking up a book, connecting with a friend. She found that once her energy shifted, her communication naturally followed, and her son responded almost immediately.
Q: How do you stop feeling like you’re abandoning your child when you focus on yourself?
Janice said she asks herself: if I step in here, am I preventing my child from learning this lesson himself? She described pulling back the curtain on your own motivations and asking whose pain you are really easing — yours or theirs. That question, she said, often gives you your answer.
Q: What does ‘dropping the rope’ mean in practice?
Janice described it as that grippy feeling you get when you want to challenge or control something. She used the example of arguing with her son about the air conditioning and realizing the fight wasn’t really about the air conditioning — it was about control. She said when you feel that grippiness, you can ask yourself: what is this really about, and what happens if I just let it go?
Q: What daily practices does Janice use to stay in her own recovery?
She meditates for about ten minutes a day using a simple app, checks in with herself by asking what she is feeling and what she is afraid of, and practices visualizing the kind of person she wants to show up as. She also names slowing down and dropping the rope as non-negotiables, especially when everything feels urgent.
Transcript
[00:00:00] I was always quite tough on myself and everyone around me. I wasn’t the model of empathy. I was a model of get it done. You came to me, you get stuff done. You did not come to me if you wanted support or enveloping, loving, warm sense of acceptance. That was not me. You came to me because you needed stuff done.
And now I think people view me differently. I have totally changed, and I’ve had to reorder my life and what’s important and really decide when I’m going out to meet somebody, whether it’s my kiddo or not, what is the outcome I want? What do I want people to walk away thinking about me? Do I want them to feel loved, accepted? So all that to me
[00:01:00] is part of this recovery process because I would have never thought that in the past. And really, what do you want your priorities to be?
Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I’m Brenda Zane. I’ve walked this path with my own child’s addiction and high-risk lifestyle. Each week, we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless. You’re not helpless, and you’re not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org. Hey friend, I am so glad you’re here with me today because we are wrapping up 2026 Recovery Month with a story of maybe, maybe the most
[00:02:00] important person who needs to find recovery, and that is mom. I thought we would be short-changing the recovery conversation if we didn’t include the parents. So when I say mom, if you’re a dad listening, just swap that out for dad.
Because truly, our kids’ recovery is incredibly intertwined with ours, and the sooner we can get ourselves to a better place, the sooner they can do the same. You’re going to hear today from a mom of two kids in recovery, and rather than focusing on her kids, we are going to focus more on what she did to get herself from a busy, over-functioning, rescuing mom to a place of being able to approach her kids’ issues with love, care, compassion, but from a distance where she can remain calm and disconnected from
[00:03:00] the chaos, not disconnected from her kids. My guest, Janice, is a member of the Stream community, our online private community for moms, and she talked about some important things, like what it actually means to do the work and the two things that she had to shift in the biggest way to create change in her family. We talked about the non-negotiable practices she keeps in place to continue to nurture her own recovery, regardless of what is going on with her kids.
Janice also shares the question she asks herself when she potentially feels like she might be abandoning her child when she focuses on herself and her own recovery versus theirs. That insight alone is worth listening to this entire episode for. I hope you’re breathing, taking your deep breaths, and I hope you are nourishing yourself lovingly with water and good
[00:04:00] food. Just the basics, my friend. Just the basics. This is a fantastic episode to wrap up Recovery Month with, and I hope you enjoy it and share it with a parent who you see in the struggle. They will, without a doubt, appreciate it. Okay, let’s dive in
Hey, Janice. Thanks for joining me for recovery month. We wanted to tell a recovery story from the parents’ standpoint, and so Cathy and I were talking, and we’re like, “Hmm, who could we have on?” And guess whose name came to mind? Yours. So welcome. I’m like the poster child of a mom in recovery. For sure. It is true.
I mean, you exude recovery, and I wanna make sure to mention that that does not mean perfection, because we are all working toward just being
[00:05:00] one notch better, right? Like, that’s it. Absolutely. Totally. So, well, we’ll have a good conversation today. We adore having you in the community, and you help so many of the newer moms. Does it ever… Do you ever, like, look at some of the posts in the community and you’re like, “Oh, I remember being there”?
Absolutely. So many things come up, and it brings up, in a good way, things that I’ve learned that I can share, which feels really good. Also, because I’ve come through the other side of it, I’m not landed yet, I don’t think I’ll ever land, but I am definitely not in it every day- Right
like some of the moms. And so I have the gift of a little bit of distance and a little perspective, and still I learn so much, even from the new moms and how they handle things. Right. No, it’s incredible. It’s
[00:06:00] like this kind of constantly evolving, growing, swirling… Like, there’s a screensaver that I think of, I don’t know what computer it was that I had, but it was kind of this, like, blob or orb, right, that would just sort of move on my screen when I left my computer. Yeah. And I think about it like that, because it’s like that’s just how it is. It’s very organic and moving and squishy, and there’s no right and there’s no wrong, and it’s just… I mean, there’s better and less better, but there’s no “This is the right way to do it.” So I always think of that image- Yeah
because I think that’s what our community is. So, well, why don’t you just share whatever you’re comfortable with about your family to give us some perspective of maybe where you were prior to the realization that, hmm, something might be off, and then take us through to where you are today. We’ll start there, and then we’ll kind of dive into some of your learnings.
[00:07:00] Sure. Look, some of the moms in the group, my experience with my kiddos in terms of their paths to substance abuse is really happened after college and a lot of it during COVID. A lot of it came out, like a lot of parents too. So I didn’t have as much the teenage struggles, but it was mid-COVID, post-COVID that I really started seeing some patterns that I was concerned about with my son.
I’m gonna start with my son, and it’s like so many of us. Peripherally, we understand that there’s a problem, and then suddenly you can’t push it away anymore. It arrives, and the minute I kind of got confirmation, I found some drugs that I Googled, of course, like every mom, and realized, “Okay, this is
[00:08:00] crystal meth.” Okay. And- You’re like, “Whoa” … this is real. And this is real, and I don’t want this, but here it is. And I really had two choices. I could Get myself educated or I could feel sorry for myself. And I chose to get myself educated. I will say, prior to that, I had been really negative with my children, particularly my son, really on his case and yelling at him.
And I don’t think I had one kind word for him when I look back, of course, which floods me with guilt- Right … because I just didn’t understand what was going on. Mm-hmm. And the fix it mom, and then when I realized, “Oh, I can’t fix this really quickly,” I shifted into get educated mom. And I came across your podcast, which led me to the Hope Stream.
[00:09:00] I also reached out to jumpstart.org, and I think I met you. You were the Tuesday night moderator. And I don’t even think I connected you with the Hope Stream Mother podcast. I’m like, “Who is this crazy lady?” Brenda. What a coincidence that this podcast person is Brenda. And I got the book, and I started down that road of education.
Yeah. And I have to say, the minute I changed up my communication, and I’m really lucky here, the minute I changed up the dynamic, my son immediately reacted differently. It was like he was waiting for that little moment where I just switched my energy.
Yeah. Now, I didn’t switch it 100%. It took me a long time, and I’m still learning every day how to be better at communicating. But as soon as I switched up my energy, he responded, and within maybe six months- If not sooner,
[00:10:00] he was reaching out to look for options for programs, and that’s his own journey. And he is now going on four years sober this September or October. Amazing. So- Amazing. That’s amazing. And several years later, my daughter spiraled into depression and started drinking to relieve her depression, and that was very, very difficult.
And she was much more motivated. She kinda understood what was going on, understood very quickly that this was out of control. And I, from the get-go, handled it absolutely differently, and I think from the time she realized she was in trouble, maybe it was, like, 10 weeks, and she was already trying AA, and- Mm you know, I kept saying, “I think you need a little structure, but let’s see how it goes.” You know. I can’t even believe the person
[00:11:00] I was. And so my daughter is now sober. She’s going on her sixth month. Okay. And hers was quick in, quick out, very motivated to get herself. And fingers crossed, every day is a new day, but she’s doing great. So yeah, definitely have been in it, through it – Ace it … and still living it. Yeah, still living it. Yeah. So interesting. It’s insane. I have a couple of questions. Just to clarify for listeners, you mentioned, “I got the book,” and the book that Janice is talking about is Beyond Addiction. I assume that that’s- Yes
the book. Okay. So we’ll put a link in the show notes to that, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It is one of two books that we really strongly recommend that you read if you’re new to the journey. So when you read that, I heard you talk about sort of reframing your communication from very negative to more positive. What else did you
[00:12:00] learn in those early days beside the negative, like, “Oh, I can actually shift my communication style”? What were some other things that you picked up either from the book or from some of the groups that you were doing early on that had you go, “Huh, maybe I could try that”? There was just so much.
In the beginning, there was just so much. I think a couple of things stand out to me. Do the work and, like, making sure… And that was the longest journey I had, right? So I would- kept hearing, you know, “Do the work. You gotta do the work.” And I was like, “I can’t do more work.” I was spending every living moment consuming whatever I can get my hands on, podcasts, videos, books I’ve read. I was like, “What more work do I have to do? I’m doing the work. I’m…” So that was a big surprise to me, ’cause y-
[00:13:00] the biggest thing is You’re not gonna get through this without changing yourself Mm. And that was a real lesson, because the work is really knowing that you’re part of this dynamic. In the beginning, I remember thinking, “Oh, you know, it just worries me, and it consumes me, but that’s something that’s happening to my kids, not to me.”
Right. And even though I was very wrapped up in it, it was still… I was, like, a step removed from what, where they were. And really owning my part in it, and when I say my part, I didn’t cause this, but my communication style, my tendency towards judgmentalism, my rushing in to fix things,
[00:14:00] my enabling, my rushing in to prevent them from having consequences. All of those were part of me in it. And really doing the work was changing myself. It wasn’t consuming all these. You know, you can read, and you can listen, and you can watch, but unless you- that’s getting under your skin, and you’re really owning your part in it. And again, as a mom, you don’t cause this, but there are certain things about your dynamic that certainly aren’t helping, and n- I needed to own that and do the work on that.
And that was really revelatory, and took me quite a long time to figure out. I appreciate you saying that about doing the work because it’s a phrase that gets thrown around a lot, and once you enter this world that we call Mars, once you land
[00:15:00] on Mars, people start talking about, “Well, you gotta do your work.” And I was the same way. I was so confused. I’m like, “But what? I don’t know what that means. Like, what do you mean I have to do the work?” And I think one thing that is helpful in understanding if you are doing your work is to reflect back on a week, a month, six months, and say, “What am I doing differently today than I was six months ago?”
Because that’s when you know, like you said, it’s gotten under your skin. It’s not just I’m reading, I’m consuming. It’s, like, all out here on the surface. Oh, I know a lot. But am I living it? Right. So what were some- Exactly … of the things that you started… You talked about kind of flipping the switch on your communication, and I think that is something I would love to dig into a little bit, because I think it can be very confusing
[00:16:00] for people to say, “Well, what do I just start smiling a lot?” And like, how do you switch negative communication to positive communication when your kid is doing these really harmful things to themselves? So maybe talk about what did that look like for you?
Yeah, I think A lot of it, I want to split it out into two, two things. Energy, your energy, my own energy, and communication. Because even when you’re not communicating, you have an energy about you as a mom. And so One of the things that I really took on board was my energy. Like, making sure that I wasn’t that hovering, hand-wringing- Mm … energy in the house. Right. And I really had to shift
[00:17:00] because, and a lot of moms are like me, I was obsessed about thinking of my son when he was going through it. Every second thought in my mind was about what was going on with my son. It was almost, I felt, like an addiction. Yes. And I really had to say, “Okay, if you’re not thinking about your son, what could you be thinking about? What could you be doing right now with your mental energy if you’re not focused on him?”
Mm. “What if you turn that focus on yourself and found one thing to do to improve yourself?” Whatever it was. Yeah. And whether it was physically going for a run, whether it was picking up a new book, whether it was connecting with a friend, whether it was… And shifting that energy off my child and back onto doing the work and really going deep within myself was really helpful,
[00:18:00] because that changed up my communication. Mm. They were connected. Okay. And so I then could distance myself a little bit and arrive or come to the situation where I saw my son struggling and just be neutral. And I just arrived with neutral energy, and still do keep as much as I can on a neutral, safe ground so that there’s not an energy when I walk in the room or when I don’t say…
I try not to say a loaded question. I try not to, you know, all those terms we hear, I try and constantly let go of that rope, constantly put on that lip clip, and, and internally really change my energy-
[00:19:00] Mm … so that my communications come from a place that is just regulated and calm. And so many of the tools that we learn are so important, but the biggest ones are that lip clip and let go of that rope. Yeah. And really, the self-care piece, even though we all know I was a little hesitant about any kind of self-care and really thought it was the craziest concept As I began to understand that as moms, our cup is overfull. It is flowing over with worries and all of this stuff that we’re consuming. And so if we don’t take care of ourselves and create space in ourselves for our kiddos and create a container
[00:20:00] for them that’s non-judgmental, that meets them where they are, another great term, that just holds them, not positively, not negatively, just slow down and hold them. That’s what I see as self-care, having the capacity to do that. And if you don’t take care of yourself, your cup is full. You can’t create any space. You’re overflowing. Yeah.
But you gotta drain some of that off and create a space where your child can be your child Hey, friend. If you’ve ever finished an episode of Hope Stream and thought, “Hmm, but what do I actually do when they come home tonight?”
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[00:21:00] comes home at 2:00 AM and you don’t know what to do, and things are escalating. It’s where knowing about things like CRAFT and the Invitation to Change become real and you start actually using it.
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[00:22:00] Yeah … and have your heart and your attention, and what- whatever he or she is there to show up with. And those are my biggest takeaways.
Well, those are amazingly helpful. And I love how you split them out, because I do believe you’re right that we cannot really have calm, controlled, thoughtful communication if our bodies and our minds are in this kind of state of being frazzled and fried and exhausted and overwhelmed and…
It’s absolutely impossible. And I would also say that even if your lips are not moving, and there are no words coming out of your mouth, you are communicating. 1,000%, you are communicating, right? It’s just either with words or without. It’s that mom energy. Yeah. Yeah. It’s that mom energy that I
[00:23:00] wish I could check it at the door. It’s not always that simple. But the beginning, the best advice is really focusing on yourself. Mm-hmm.
Get yourself to that better place. It’s good for everyone. It’s good for your kiddo. It’s good for your partner. It’s good for you. Like, get yourself to a better space, because once you’re there, you’re able to handle a lot more.
Yeah. Did you find it a little bit uncomfortable to make that shift, not only because part of you is probably worried like, “Oh, I should still be over here thinking about my child,” but I think also as women and moms and when we have careers and we have so much going on, it’s sometimes just easier not to turn the focus and attention to ourselves, because we either feel guilty, or when we do, we’re like, “Wait, who is she? I don’t even know who she is anymore, because I’ve been so busy for so many years,”
[00:24:00] focused on the career, focused on the relationships and the kids and the schools and then my parents and… Was it a little uncomfortable for you to meet Janice? “Oh, hey, girlfriend.” Who are you? Yeah. Absolutely. I always had things in little boxes and I had a dynamic career.
I had two other children and a husband, all the things. I think it was definitely uncomfortable. I also understood and began to really understood the grace of holding two things at once, which really helped me with this concept. That I could be having a good day, and my daughter or son could be having a terrible day, and those two things can coexist.
I used to be very black and white. Like, how could I be happy if my kids are unhappy? How am I able to go and do X, Y, and Z while my son is struggling? The guilt that you attach to that, until you
[00:25:00] learn that these things coexist side by side in the world every day. And really embracing that and finding joy when I can.
You don’t think you’ll ever embrace that. When you’re in the middle of it, you’re like, “What are people talking about?” But if you can find that grace to say, “You know what? I can enjoy this one part of my life, and I can smile and I can laugh, and yet my kiddo can still be in the depths of struggle.” And they can live side by side, and we’ll all survive.
It’ll be okay. It’s not a bad thing. And that really helped me get comfortable with the whole self-care piece. And really, the only way I can look at it is really to be able to open up that space within you to be there for other people. And if you’re
[00:26:00] overflowing, you just can’t do that. And that was a really hard thing for me to understand. I loved overflowing. I loved being so busy and so preoccupied, and so that was me. But when you start to create space, Brenda, I think it’s also true, you have to look sometimes at the uglier sides of things that you don’t really wanna confront or face. It’s all there waiting for you when you slow down a little bit. Um- It’s so true … so it’s all there. You can’t avoid it. And so it’s a really important part of- The relationship of being a mom of a child who’s struggling
Yeah. It’s so true. I was the same. I was so good at distracting myself with all the things that seemed very important, that seemed that they needed me so much, and, “Well, if I don’t show up at this, then this isn’t gonna happen,” and that was way easier than slowing
[00:27:00] down, getting quiet- Right spending time with myself. That was hugely uncomfortable for me, so I’m always just curious. That’s why I asked, because I think it’s one thing to say, “Oh, we really need to focus on self-care, and we need to find our passions and our hobbies and get back to some of those things and look at our own patterns.” And sometimes we forget to say, “And that can be hugely uncomfortable.” Like… Yes, absolutely. Really uncomfortable. And I actually went back into therapy, because that was a completion of the work. Because, I mean, if you could afford it, it is the biggest gift that you can give to take a look at the things in your life and the circumstances.
My father was an alcoholic, and it seems to have skipped a generation, and it pops up with the grandkids, uh, which I’m lucky none of my brothers and sisters are afflicted with the disease. But I could look at my own family dynamics and kind of
[00:28:00] trace back and really deep down understand where a lot of m- my communication style and energies came from, and helping understand that helped me change them. Yeah. Well, you can’t change something until you can face it and accept it, and it- we always talk about how acceptance is not approval. It’s like, okay, I can accept that I am an over-functioner. I can accept that I’m trying to solve problems for my kids that they need to learn how to solve for themselves.
That doesn’t mean I love that about myself. It doesn’t mean it’s okay. But until I can actually name that- And give myself grace for the reason why I am like that, because we all have reasons why we do things. Then you can change it. That’s the freedom is, oh, okay, that’s been my pattern, but I get to change- Yeah
that pattern. It’s such a gift. Yeah. Because I understand it. Exactly. And
[00:29:00] there’s one podcast you have about the potato. I don’t know what’s the guy’s name. He’s fabulous, where they all- Yes … come back from vacation. Yes. And he says that about change. I forget the commentary, but it’s- Yes … it’s not about the change, it’s the root of the change. It’s the thing that’s causing you to change. Yes. Anyway, it was about whatever. That was- Yeah … I think that was Rollie Glass, if you search him up. Rollie Glass. Yeah. He ba- he classic, excellent podcast. Yes. One of my favorites. And Rollie now, fun fact, does coaching with us every month. So members get free coaching from- Oh, fantastic from Rollie, so that’s amazing.
Yeah, he’s amazing. He is amazing. I love little things like that that you can really understand, like very simply. Like, oh. Simple. Potato is rotten. Right.
Right. Sometimes I think we talk about, like I can say to you, “Oh, Janice, how is your recovery?” Or, “You’re in recovery.” And I think that lands weird if you’re new to the scene, because you’re like- Oh “No, no, no, wait a minute. It’s my kid that needs
[00:30:00] to get into recovery. I just need to stay- Right … alive long enough to see it happen.” Exactly. But we truly, truly need recovery as parents, and I’m wondering if you could talk about what does that look like for you. First of all, I guess I should ask, do you consider yourself to be in recovery?
And if you do, how do you think about that in your day-to-day life, and how has that changed over the last few years?
I would definitely say I’m in recovery. We talked a lot about this in my early days on the stream, and Brenda, I think you, you really framed it for me beautifully in one of my early times I was listening to you, and it was hard for me to understand at the time. But my kids’ journeys were the biggest gift I’ve ever received because they
[00:31:00] changed me, and they made me stop and look at myself and begin the process of change for myself. And so that process is what I call recovery. Mm. This gift that they gave me to stop and look at my life and reorder
what is important, right? All of us as parents of kids who struggle suddenly find themselves reordering, “Oh, well, you know, maybe he’s not gonna graduate, and maybe he’s not gonna…” You know, then to the, “Oh, wow, I’m so happy he has a job at Target.” Lovely. You, you reorder things. But that also makes you reflect on what is real, what is truly important, and how can I take this gift that their experiences have given me and become a better person for it? And that’s the recovery. And for
[00:32:00] me, as a person, I was always quite tough on myself and everyone around me. I wasn’t the model of empathy. I was a model of get it done. You came to me, you get stuff done. You did not come to me if you wanted support or enveloping, loving, warm sense of acceptance. That was not me.
You came to me because you needed stuff done. And now I think people view me differently. I have totally changed, and I’ve had to reorder my life and what’s important and really decide when I’m going out to meet somebody, whether it’s my kiddo or not- Mm … what is the outcome I want? What do I want people to walk away thinking about me? Do I want them- To feel loved, accepted. So all that to me is
[00:33:00] part of this recovery process, because I would have never thought that in the past. And really, what do you want your priorities to be? A lot of times, at some point, it’s just a hello in the morning. If I could get a hello out of my child this morning, that’s gonna be my priority for the day, and I’ve won.
Some people are at that phase. Sure. Uh, some people are on a different phase. But you begin to reorder your priorities and understand what’s really real and what’s not. And it’s a huge difference.
It’s a huge difference, and I wonder if, have your kids, either one of them, said anything to you to make you believe that they have noticed this change? Like, have either of them said, “Gosh, Mom, you’re a little different,” or is it just really privately the work that you’ve been doing with yourself, and it’s bouncing o- off of them and into them, but it’s really more been you? What’s that been like?
[00:34:00] My daughter really can feel it. She feels it 100%. She said, “Mom, I can totally come to you now. You’re a different person. I see that you have changed.” Mm. And that’s beautiful. And we’ve had the most, you know, like that mother-daughter has, has always fraught with a lot of things, and she came and lived with me for six months, and we lived in total harmony, and it was not easy. We live in a close quarters.
She and her husband had moved in with their baby, and we didn’t really struggle, not once. If there were times where I felt like I would’ve handled it differently, I just walked out around the block, came back, let go of whatever I was… let go of that rope. And it was a great six months, and it would have never been that way in the past. So it’s really totally changed my relationship with… I mean, my son is less emotive,
[00:35:00] so, and he has some struggles. I would say he struggles with PTSD. Mm. And so he’s not in a great place to communicate. I’m hoping that’ll change.
Yeah. But today he’s not. Yeah. But yeah. And even my husband, and a lot of this does work. Sometimes I’ll look over at my husband, and I’ll be like, “What is he doing over there?” And I’ll say, “What? Why are you focused on your husband when you could be thinking about what you’re doing? Stop worrying about him.” And it definitely works. What are you doing that’s so great? Get yourself going. You focus on what you’re doing that’s great, not what he’s not doing.
So many of the lessons are just human lessons that someone like me had to learn the hard way. Human lessons, that is an absolutely perfect way to say it because it does, it’s the ripple effect of all of those in your orbit, right? Anybody that you touch, and I love how you talked about- how you think about, “How do I wanna leave this interaction with this person that I might meet today?” I
[00:36:00] know it’s not from a performative, like, “Oh, I am gonna perform, and then-” No … “that person’s gonna feel this way.” You are really coming at it with intention to say, “What kind of energy do I wanna bring into this exchange? How would I want this person to feel when they leave and think, ‘Oh, that time with Janice was blank.'”
And I think that’s so beautiful, and I did a podcast once about, I don’t know, five things that XYZ or whatever. I don’t even remember what it was, but the number one thing that I had wanted people to really tap into was mindfulness and intention. And that seemed so weird, because you would think in a situation like this with our kids, that it would be some, I don’t know, tool or something, or communication.
But really, unless you can do what you just talked about, stopping for a minute and thinking about, “What am I
[00:37:00] saying? Why am I saying it? What do I want to get from the other person out of this?” It’s almost like you have to put life into slow motion for a minute before you proceed, which is why we always talk about the lip clip.
The lip clip is not to silence you. It is to just create enough space to proceed with caution, to proceed with intention. So that’s just beautiful. I love how you shared that. And I will always say, too, that my son’s experience with all of this was my greatest gift, because I would’ve just merrily gone on my way thinking I was just the coolest thing, and great communicator, and very productive.
100%, absolutely. It really is. It’s a strange gift, but it definitely changed me like no other experience. When you think about how you do things
[00:38:00] differently on a day-to-day basis now versus, let’s call it, before we connected and before you really kind of got busy doing the work, do you have some practices or some non-negotiable things that you work into your life, whether that’s day by day, week by week, month by month, or whatever, that you have found really help you stay in recovery?
‘Cause as we know, it’s not just a, there’s not just, like, a door that you knock on and then you’re in. Right. You have to continuously work at it. So tell me a little bit about what that looks like for you.
I definitely try and meditate 10 minutes. Nothing fancy. I use like, you know, a small meditation app because that’s the mindfulness piece, the kind of staying in the moment, slowing things down. Recently, I’ve begun to check in with myself, just be like, “Okay, what am I feeling?” And
[00:39:00] if I could ask that part of me that’s responding today, what are you afraid of? Like, what are you afraid of? Like, asking, kind of q- questioning just my thoughts and my emotions and getting curious about them. And of course, in order to do that, you do have to slow down.
So you have to slow down, and you have to be mindful, and you have to pay attention to what’s going on in yourself. And again, trying to connect with that so that I can be a better person for other people. It’s not just belly button gazing or whatever, navel gazing- Yeah … I think is the word. It really, it’s all in service to show up the way I want to show up.
And I know this is, and this is so funny ’cause you’re gonna laugh because I am such an East Coaster, but that idea of manifestation, of really visualizing the kind of person I want to be
[00:40:00] and I want to show up as, and really trying to be that person, prioritize that person. Those kind of things are the things I do to get myself into a good space.
And in terms of non-negotiables, it is really, I would say, dropping the rope. Slow down first. I always say to people, even when they come in to the community, you’re in such a panic about where li- your life is with your kiddo, and everything feels so urgent. Right. And when you f- know that urgency, I feel you begin to make mistakes because you’re not thinking. You’re just reacting. So trying to make that space between reacting and giving yourself that moment to slow down- Take a deep breath and really think about the
[00:41:00] priorities. What do you want these outcomes to be? I think that’s a non-negotiable, slowing down, letting go of the rope. Once you feel that grippy attachment to whatever it is, your point of view or your side of the argument or the thing you need to say, so much in early recovery is, “Do I really need to say this?”
Sometimes it felt so urgent to send that text or so urgent to make that comment. Yes. And really stopping and asking yourself, “How is that gonna add to the situation? That he already knows I love him. Sending him 20 texts about how much I love him is not, you can’t love him out of this.” There’s so many great things I learned here.
It’s hard to even say which… You use all these different tools on different days. So I don’t know, it’s really given me so many tools to show up more human. Yeah. I love all of
[00:42:00] those, especially the slowing down, dropping the rope. And when we say drop, what does dropping the rope mean to you? I would love to hear that, ’cause I think if somebody’s brand new here, they’re gonna be like, “Wait, what is she talking about?”
It’s that grippy feeling that you’re getting that you wanna challenge. So I’ll give you a perfect example. I don’t love air conditioning, and my son loves it freezing. And we live in the same house, and it’s a constant, you know, up with the air conditioning, off with the air conditioning. And at some point, I’m like, you know what?
Is air conditioning the worst thing possible? Is there a middle point? Can I just let go? ‘Cause it’s really not about the air conditioning, or to other moms, it’s not about the money, or it’s not about… You have to kinda open the curtain, peel back what’s really going on here. Are we fighting about air conditioning, or are we fighting- about control? Right. So
[00:43:00] having the ability to kind of understand, feel the grippiness, and say, “Okay, is air conditioning gonna kill you at this moment if it’s that important to this person? You’re in a better place, so maybe you give that up.” So again, it- everyone has their own tolerance levels and boundaries, and some people die on the sword of air conditioning.
I might not be one of those. But yeah, just l- understanding what’s creating that reaction and asking yourself, “What happens if I let it go? What is this really about? Is it really about he didn’t take out the garbage, or his room is dirty, or the air conditioning is on, or he didn’t walk the dog, or is it a bigger thing?”
And if it’s about a bigger thing, drop the rope and examine, get curious, and see if you can slow it down and understand more about it. Get curious about it. Yeah. The, the curiosity about what is this really
[00:44:00] about, I think is super helpful because, like you said, is this really about the air conditioning, or is this really about control? And usually, it is about control. Like, I want to control- Right … the way that this person eats, or sleeps, or navigates their job, or cleans the kitchen. Whatever it is, we want it done a specific way, or we wanna see a specific outcome, and so therefore, we think you need to do step A, B, and C to get to that, and they have a wildly different path to get to where they’re wanting to go.
And that is what you talked about requires us to shift that focus. And I’m curious because what I hear sometimes from our moms is, “Well, if I do that, I feel like I’m abandoning them. If I start to focus on myself, and I let some of these natural consequences happen, I don’t try to
[00:45:00] rescue and maneuver the outcome into something that’s gonna be less painful or less dangerous, I feel like I’m abandoning them.” What are your thoughts on that?
I think so many of the moms look at their kiddos and they think, “Dear God, they have so little.” And all of the feelings, all of the empathy for where they are, and you just want to dive in and make anything better. It’s just natural, right? And it’s such a strong urge. And I think
There’s Consequences which are, you can live with, and there are consequences that you can’t. And each person has their own way to this. I never try and prescribe for one person how to do it. But I think you have to ask yourself, and
[00:46:00] again, I take this from one of the learnings, if I step in here, am I preventing my child from learning this lesson himself? If I step in here
What is he going to learn from that other than, “Oh, Mom’s out there. She’ll always help out here”? Right. It’s a hard problem for a mom because you feel all the feels, and you just wanna make it better. But if you ask yourself that question, “Stepping in does what? What is it doing? What kind of lesson are they going to learn from my stepping in?”
And if you can answer that question in a way that makes you understand the consequences of your actions, then there’s your answer. And I think, again, pulling back the curtain and asking yourself, “What’s the outcome?” I think that’s a
[00:47:00] really, a good inquiry to make at those points. How is this really helping? Sometimes you do need to send food. Don’t send money, but send food. We’ve all been there, right? We’ve all had that moment. And everyone has their own personal limits, and I see a lot of moms struggle over years because they don’t know their limits, and they’re still supporting, and they’re still getting their child there in different ways. But I definitely think that’s a valid question.
Yeah. It’s a tricky one because we’re wired as moms to obviously take care of our kids. Like, it’s natural. And so I think it’s one of those things that we have to sort of unlearn and question ourselves on, and I love your question, “What is this really doing?
Will I potentially be robbing my child of a learning opportunity? Whose pain am I really easing? Is it mine?”
Or whom. ” Because I’m so-” Yeah … uncomfortable
[00:48:00] knowing that my kid is hungry right now.” Right … that I will feel that relief if I send the food versus the message that sends to them is, “Nice. I got it. I got what I wanted.” And not in a manipulative way. I never wanna make our kids into the villains, because they are just doing the best they can in coping with their circumstances. But I think that’s a good reflective question, is who is this really helping right now? And if it’s only helping me, and it’s gonna rob my child of a learning and a lesson in the long run, what else could I do?
And that kinda leads me into the last question I wanna pose to you, which is, can you imagine having done this alone? Let’s say we never connected, and you were doing this, Miss Get It Done. ‘Cause I see the women in our community, they’re so
[00:49:00] driven, and they’re so loving, and they are so capable. And I see the kind of…
I think of it as this, like, compounding interest. It’s like compounding effectiveness when we do it together. So can you talk a little bit about your experience in doing this with a tribe versus what you think may have… how things would’ve gone if you had just white-knuckled this on your own?
I definitely still would be banging my head against a wall if I were doing this alone. I personally get so much out of the community because I see with each post, I learn how people approach different situations and what they bring to those situations,
[00:50:00] and I’m always so impressed. I’m so impressed by the moms on the stream. I could have never done it without them. And really, the stream, when I talk about doing the work, the stream is not my work. It really is, has nothing to do, you know, I would say a more private type, you know, like really going deep and taking everything, the podcasts and internalize them. The stream is just a place for me where I can understand that I’m not alone in this, where I can Be with other moms who get it.
I think there is an element of isolation that all the moms feel, no matter how strong you are as a person, you feel that sense of isolation. It’s so hard to sit at a table of friends and they’re talking about their kids’ graduation or their great careers or their lettering in this sport or whatever, and you’re the one that has
[00:51:00] nothing to say. Yeah. You’re quietly hoping that somebody will change this topic. So now suddenly you’re in this A space where the kiddos are the topic, we can spew out the craziest scenarios, right? I have to laugh because my scenarios were just, I thought, out there. Yeah, make it up. And then I thought, “Mm, not that much,” ’cause I got a group of peeps here that know what I’m going through, and they’re in it, or they’ve been in it, or they’re getting into it, and we are all here for each other.
And we can laugh, we can hold so many different things in one conversation. At one moment we’ll be talking about skiing, and the next someone kid’s had been hospitalized, and it’s all just rolled into everyday communications, and it feels great because it feels like not, I don’t wanna say normalized, but I think we’re all a
[00:52:00] group of women who chose to get educated and to share our experience and support each other. And there’s not enough support for moms out there. They feel very alone when they come into the community. And I think I felt such a sense of relief that people were joking about Narcan. And when I went on the first off-site, we were flinging Narcan around. It was like hot potato with Narcan. If, if you had asked me, would I be doing this two years ago or five years ago, I would have said, “What are you talking about?”
But it just is a place where we can hang out and be normal. Normal moms with abnormal situations and stories to tell. Yes. Powerful stories with powerful insights. I learn so much from some of the moms that come on the calls. They’re just awesome. Just amazing. They are so incredible. I really feel like we’ve
[00:53:00] got this… We talk about the Seal Team Parents, which they truly are, because we’ll be on a call and start hearing about, “This happened last night,” or, “Oh, yeah, I had to Narcan my daughter last night,” and you just think, “Wow.” Like, what is the normal water cooler conversation at work like? Exactly. ” Oh, my dog pooped and I didn’t have a poop bag.” Like, I don’t even know what it would be, but not what we talk about, and so I just have like-
And also, I have some friends, and I think most of the moms know this, you have friends that you can really confide in, but I have friends that if I told them like what was going on deep in it, they would be horrified.
I don’t think they would ever recover from, and then my son or daughter would be in that space- Yeah … in their head. And then for the next decade, they’re like, “Oh, and how is…? Oh, and
[00:54:00] how is…?” You know, and you’re like, “Stop asking.” So it- you just can’t talk about this to the general public because some people will walk away, and you also don’t want your kid to be stigmatized- Yeah
by people knowing all of their business. So there’s this confidential place where you can just be very honest and very real in a community, and you get that opportunity to be honest and real. When in your real life, that doesn’t happen to the level that it could. Some people have great friends, super understanding, but every one of us has a friend or friends or family members that just, it is beyond their comprehension.
So how great to have a community of people, and that’s why I keep coming. I keep learning, I keep being amazed by people, and it helps me stay connected to what’s real.
Yes, because you can choose to, and people ask me this, and this is why we’re so grateful for you and other folks who stick around,
[00:55:00] when you could just move on with your life, right? You could just move on, never deal with this again, and I think for some people that’s the right choice, that makes m- sense for them. And for some of us, we just feel this, like you said, like, “How can I take this experience and everything that I learned and make some good out of it?” Because I would not wish this on my worst enemy- Couldn’t even fathom wishing a 10th of what we have experienced with our kids- Yeah
on my very worst enemy. And so I think we, some of us look at that and say, “Okay, well, if I could even just save another mom from going through a 10th of what I went through, that would be worth it.” And then we see these beautiful- Well done … stories of the kids, right? And oh, my gosh, like somebody posted yesterday, I think it was, or Sunday, a picture of her daughter when she entered treatment, and then a picture
[00:56:00] of her now six years later, and you can’t even believe it’s the same person. You’re just like, “What? How is that even possible?” And so that’s the, the reward in the end of, oh, it’s just amazing because our kids are capable of doing it. We don’t often see that, ’cause we’re looking at, like, the crazy scary stuff. But they are capable of doing it if we know how to dance that dance, and it’s a different dance than if you have a kiddo who’s struggling with academics or friend issues or s- other things that don’t threaten their life every single day.
I think that’s the level of intensity that a lot of people don’t understand, is that you and me and Cathy and all of our friends in the community, our kids have a life-threatening illness, and we don’t know from day to
[00:57:00] day if that’s gonna, if today’s gonna be the day Yeah. Yeah, no, it’s so true. It’s a bit like climbing a mountain, like you wanna turn around, you wanna extend your hand, and you wanna help the person behind you get up that hill.
Because it’s a hill, it’s a steep one, and it’s full of rocks and crevices. And you wanna be able to extend your hand out and be helpful to the person behind you. And behind that person, it’s a chain all the way down, so you just wanna be that person that really helps them get to a better place. Not to the top.
I’d never suggest anyone to the top, but get closer, climb higher, and turn around and lend a hand. It, it feels good.
Beautiful. Well, that’s a perfect place to wrap it up. Thank you for the work you do with us, for the guidance that you give our mamas, and for the learning that you also do, because that shows through
[00:58:00] as well. Yeah. Well, I love the community. I think you guys have done an amazing job, and I would give this gift of the community to as many people as I know, and it just keeps getting better and expanding. And the people who you’ve thoroughly worked with and partnered with to come on and do the coaching and… It’s really, I think it’s made such a difference in so many people’s lives.
Thank you. Well, we’re here for anyone who wants to test it out. You can look in the show notes, but if you just go to hopestreamcommunity.org/try, T-R-Y, we can set you up with a free two-week membership. And then you can hang out with people like Janice and all the other incredible mamas that are in there doing the work, getting it under their skin, as you say. And I will see you online. Be there to greet you. And Janice will be there to greet you, and I get to give you a hug in a couple weeks at our annual retreat, so I’m very excited about that. Yeah, I’m
[00:59:00] so excited. All right. Yeah. Thanks, Janice. Talk to you soon.
Okay, my friend, I am so glad that you are here with me today. Do you want the resources from this episode? If you do, head to hopestreamcommunity.org, click Podcast, and you will find this episode, along with 300 or so others, and every link that we mention. And if you haven’t tried it yet, we offer a free two-week trial of our online community for moms, The Stream.
No credit card needed, no commitment, just go to hopestreamcommunity.org/try, and we can get you set up with a free two-week membership. And if this is your first time here, or if this whole approach feels new and uncomfortable, that is normal. You can grab a free e-book I wrote called Worried Sick. It will help you start seeing new ways to respond to your child and
[01:00:00] find new ways to approach this whole situation that feels very confusing. You can find that at hopestreamcommunity.org/worried. You, my friend, are an elite-level parent. You are doing an incredible job. You do things most parents never have to do, and I am so honored to be walking this path with you. Take ridiculously good care of yourself, and I will meet you right back here next week
