Coaching Episode #4: Positivity And A Resilient Spirit: Key Ingredients For The Mom Of An 18-Year-Old On The Upswing From His Opiate Addiction

Speakers: Brenda Zane, Cielo
Brenda:  Hello, welcome to Hopestream the podcast for parents of kids who are misusing drugs or alcohol, or who are in treatment or the early stage of recovery. I am Brenda Zane, your host, and also mom to a son who struggled and nearly lost his life to addiction. So I can relate. And I am right here with you on this.
It’s so good to be here with you today. I always love sharing coaching episodes with you, and today’s turned out to be both a little coaching and a whole lot of inspiration from one of our members in the stream. Cielo and I love a little dose of inspiration as I’m sure you do. If you wanted to make a movie about the life of a family whose teenage son is struggling with addiction and all of the ramifications that come with that, this would be the family that you would want to base it on for real Cielo has been through so many crazy situations, found so many treatment options ranging from traditional to alternative.
In and out of the United States all while she was parenting two other younger kids has a husband and two jobs herself. So I am not kidding you. When I say this woman [00:01:30] has been through it with a capital IT, so I’m excited to share the episode with you because when you hear Cielo talk about her family and all that they have been through, you don’t hear complaining or victim mentality or doom and gloom, what you do here.
Is a very determined and optimistic mama who has undoubtedly. I know for sure, played a huge role in her. Son’s current remission from the really dark and really dangerous place that he was in. Not too long. I am not going to keep you waiting any longer, because I want you to hear this conversation and I know you are really, really going to enjoy and get so much out of it.
Here we go. Here is very inspiring conversation with Cielo.
Brenda: Cielo. Welcome to a coaching episode of Hopestream. I’m so grateful for you to do this, and it’s fun to talk with you so welcome. 
Cielo: Thank you so much. I’ve been waiting for this day. 
Brenda: I know we tried to do it a while ago. Didn’t we? And then something happened as it always does.
Cielo: Exactly. Life happens in our lives, but yes, I’m really excited that I admire you so much and I love what you do. And I’m happy doing this podcast because we get that feeling of this is gonna get somewhere and hopefully help people give hope, give resources and ideas and , all that, some excited to chat with you today. 
Brenda: Yeah, it really does. I get really good feedback on these because I think people can really relate. And I know you pretty well because you’ve been a member in the stream for a while, and also we got to meet at the retreat. Sadly, you came down with COVID the second day. 
Cielo: I know we need to do it again, please.
Brenda: Oh, well, don’t worry. It’s coming in October. So we will definitely, we see each other soon, but that was just such a bummer. Well, why don’t you just give us a quick rundown of whatever you want to share, whatever you’re comfortable sharing about your family, kind of where, where do you guys have been and where you are right now? I know the story. So I know that that could be like a seven hour conversation.
So maybe you can give us the cliff notes version where you are, and then we’ll just talk about some stuff that you want to work on. 
Cielo: Well yeah, it’s hard for me sometimes to too short journey cause it’s like, it’s been a lot, but basically, I can just say that for everybody out there, like this can happen to anyone, like I never, in a million years imagine that I will go through these, we, I come from a family in Mexico city.
Super-tight all my aunts, my cousins, , I had the normal happy childhood. My teenage years were no drama. And then what I wanted the most, all my life is to have a family have kids. So it was very difficult when all this has started, with our son to just realize, it’s me, it’s happening?
What is going on? And what do I do? But basically yeah, I can tell you that we have three kids our oldest is the one with all these , challenge, challenges. And then we have a daughter and a younger son, so 18, 15 and 12 that’s today. And I can tell you also something important that I think for people to understand is that we don’t, we don’t come with a manual.
Right. We don’t know what’s going on from the beginning, but. I remember since my oldest was born, being like, oh my gosh, this is going to be challenging. There’s some little things that you noticed that I can say don’t give anything, like, just pay attention to little, little things.
And, and if you can do something from the beginning, get support and ask questions, search, so the journey is a little bit maybe easier. But I knew our son had some mental issues, , that develop and then become more challenging when they grow older. But he had him since he was little and we did address, things from the beginning,
Brenda: so you were noticing some things when he was younger, And, I think that’s interesting because I hear that same thing from other parents that I work with is they do notice things, and I think what’s difficult is especially when it’s your oldest is you don’t have a source of comparison, right? So you’re like, Hmm, this is interesting.
And you don’t know necessarily, cause you don’t want to compare your kids to other people’s kids or what they’re doing. And so it can be really confusing. I went through the same thing. I noticed things. I was like, Hm, this is really hard. Really challenging. Would you be okay sharing some of the things that you noticed when he was young in particular?
Cielo: Yes, of course. Yeah. Cause it is important, he was always a super sensitive kid, and had a hard time following rules and listening, he just basically was doing what he wanted to do. And he, it was hard for him to manage his emotions. He just was not aggressive, but like two other kids, it was hard for him to make relationships with other kids.
Adults always like him. They saw always like in a school, his potential, he was always charming, but it was more like a. Yeah, we, the other kids, the relationships and the rules, and also the attachment, I feel like he was really attached to me and it was hard for him, like when he used to go to camps or something like the separation was specially hard for him.
And then when he got older, , things started to escalate. I will say. Maybe when he was well, when he started struggling more was middle school. But before that, , we did a play therapy, just to make you more confident, and more comfortable with society and all that.
And he, the boys group and, all these things, we didn’t know the feedback and just trying to figure out. And then middle school was when he started my live with anxiety and, that’s what. He discovered he started, I think he said a smoking pot at the age of 12. So that was pretty young.
And that’s when they’re like, okay. , I don’t like to feel this way and that is making me feel different. So then that’s when the journey starts. 
Brenda: Right and today he’s 18. So you’ve been at this for six years. So you’re a warrior mama. Oh my gosh. Yes. So much. Yes, it’s a lot. And I think what you said about this can happen to anyone is super important because I think there is a tendency for people to, who have not been through this experience to look.
Family’s going through this and wonder, well, what happened, right? Like what happened in their family or what’s wrong with that kid? And, and there’s also a misperception, I think of, , people think. A guy in an alley with a needle in his arm or something, and it can happen to anyone. And you think when your kids are little, well, that would never, [00:09:00] ever in a million years happen in our family because we’re this or we’re that.
And wow. , it, really can, so I’m glad you said that because It’s so true. And I think it can be a source of embarrassment and shame for families if they do think that they are the only, , like the ones, the bad ones that this happened to. So I appreciate you saying that. 
Cielo: Absolutely, I wanted to mention that that’s another hard part of all.
These is, , the judgment, right? Feeling like, oh my gosh, what is people saying? Or talking? And we lost friends along the way. Cause, obviously I don’t hold any grudges. I don’t, if I go into the other side, I understand, , Nick was always wild, and parents were like, he’s not a good influence, to their kids.
And I don’t blame him. It’s just a. , part of what we have to go through and you do the best you can, and people that really knows you, family and close friends, they see that we are a normal doing the best we can and that most of it. How this kid is developing? Nope, no matter how much you’re doing a good job, , and educating and on resources, , putting them in therapy or, , educating yourself, what can I do better in the house?
And I think I read all the books about, how to manage these things, , how to, what to do, and then having the siblings as well. , it was, it was really, really hard. You take it, , I mean, right now I look back and you do what you do for your kid, , [00:10:30] and people that don’t understand that then.
, hopefully they can see it later on, how, like you said, it’s not your fault. It happens to any families. Not that the parents are being bad friends or that there’s something going on behind doors or that there was a trauma, , it doesn’t have to do something specifically like that.
Brenda: Which is part of the frustration too, when it is your family, because you want to look for a thing, right. You want to have, and I remember going through this. I wanted to have some sort of a event or something to look at and say, oh, that’s what happened. And I think sometimes you might find that, but a lot of times you don’t and so you just have to do what you can do, like you said.
So where are you where you are right now as a family? What is kind of your current state of. Mind of wellness of coping. And then what is something that you think, gosh, in like six months to a year, I would really love to see this shift in either yourself or your, your relationships or something like that.
Cielo: Yes. Well it’s hard. We are, as of now in a way better spot than we were in the past six years, right? Like, My husband and I have gone through so much and our marriage is still standing. So that makes me proud. Accomplishment. Accomplishment is really hard and same with my other [00:12:00] two kids, , they’re doing well.
And my oldest one, he turned a corner. Thank goodness. And he’s doing really well in a lot of aspects, but where I feel right now is I feel hopeful obviously, and, and happy. But I, to be honest with you, I have this little fear of what’s going to happen from now on, , not, not that much of like, if he’s going to.
, relapsed, cause he’s, he’s done it. He’s got plenty of relapses. And I really feel that this is a huge turning corner, but more with like third motivation and their clarity and their, , it’s like sometimes I imagine like, it’s like they’re coming out to life, , they’re all those six years they were in these cloud, , they didn’t really.
grow and, , develop certain, , abilities or, , things in life. So now they’re like this kind of new, and my fear is that he doesn’t seem to know, , where, where to go or what to do. And like, I don’t want him to sink in that. , I want to see him motivated and moving forward and wanting things and, , hopeful and all that.
So that’s where I am right now. Just a little bit of fear, but I have a lot of hope
Brenda: . you’ve seen the relapses. And I know that you have tried lots of different treatment modalities and and he. He’s been through a lot himself. How long [00:13:30] has it been sort of how long has he been really moving in a better direction? 
Cielo: been let’s see, probably. Four months, which is also weird to think, because you look like it feels that it’s been way longer and then you look back and you’re like, wait a minute.
I mean, five months ago, we weren’t in a really bad spot, ? So it’s really kind of new and that’s why you have to be patient, , also with them and let them figure things out slowly. And as far as they’re moving forward slowly, then that’s, that’s a plus So, yeah, it hasn’t been that long.
But he’s, he’s really doing good. I mean, it’s, it’s amazing to see the real, , person that he is and all that, the potential he has and how amazing he is and how smart and talented. And, , so it’s, I’m happy up today where he’s is.
Brenda: It’s so good to hear. Because when things are so bad, it, and they have been bad for a long time with, with your family.
you can sort of get that doom and gloom. Looking forward. And, and having that fear of what’s gonna come next. And you seem to have a very positive and optimistic outlook, which I think benefits not only you for your own kind of sanity. And health, but your family as well. Cause they pick up on that, right?
Like mom, mom has hope mom is positive. Mom is smiling and that [00:15:00] makes such a huge difference. So those are some things about him. What about you? Tell me a little bit about what’s going on with you and your mental health, your physical health and anything that you, you personally would like to see shift in yourself.
So we kind of talked a little bit about your son, but what, what are some things about you? 
Cielo: Yes. Well, yeah, it’s amazing also to look back and see , how strong we are, right? Like, I, I feel, I feel like a warrior because. . The things that we go through is like, you can’t even, it’s like blurry right now.
, for me, like I can’t imagine that it was there and that I was surviving and I was still doing things is still taking care of the house and my marriage and your kids and, so it definitely changed you a lot. You learn a lot you grow a lot. And that’s part of what I think, , I believe a lot on the universe and what.
We were sending send these because we could handle it. And because of our reasons, so we grew a lot. I think my husband and I is individually as well. Yeah, I feel more confident, stronger. And I do have that feeling of, I want to help, , other people and. Young kids and help, , change the system and, , have more resources and help people see these as it is and not, , blinding themselves, , and, and being judgmental when they go have another [00:16:30] outlook.
So I dunno, I feel, yeah. I feel that it’s been a good learning experience. 
Brenda: And I think you have what I’ve seen you have a very strong disposition not strong in like forceful or anything like that, but just. steady, even though life has gotten super crazy around you and, and you, you seem to have a very steady disposition, I guess, is what I would say. And. Sometimes , I will talk with people at this point where you are just sort of coming out like the you’re starting to see the sunrise coming up above the horizon.
And they’re a complete mess. Like they are just a complete physical mess mental mess. , haven’t taken care of themselves. And what I see from you and what I’m hearing from you is that you feel pretty good. And you’re even at the point where you’re like, I want to help other people, which is amazing.
Absolutely amazing. And. We have lots of opportunity in the stream. We have lots of volunteer opportunities for you to do that. I’m just going to plug that right there. If you’re wanting to help, but I think that says a lot about what you have learned and maybe if you think back a year or so, what have you learned in this last year that you think has given you that, I mean, you’re always a strong person, but what do you think has added to giving you the strength that you have today?
That resilience, I guess, is a [00:18:00] great word, is what I would call you as very resilient. Is there anything that comes to mind just as sort of a , a tip for other moms who might be going through this? 
Cielo: Yeah, definitely. Well, thank you for saying that. I feel, yeah. Also for my son, , that’s a word that I used, you’re resilient because they go through so, so much and part of my growth and what I feel that had helped me.
To be empathetic, right. And to relate to what they are going through and they are feeling, and that is strong feeling on of, I want to help them as much as I can, , but at the same time you can’t, and you’ll say this all the time. You can’t not think about your health because then you can’t even do anything, , for them.
So I’ve learned to kind of always try to be positive, , and think that. Everything passes. And even if it’s years and years of struggles, , just be there, you’re there, you’re like head above the water, no matter what, , you gotta be strong, you gotta keep fighting, , so just stay, , don’t give up, stay there.
And also let go of some things, , it’s important to not pile everything things that are out of your control. Don’t overthink them. , my husband actually does that is part of personality. Right. But he’s hard for him to let go into , not worry about every single little thing.
And that actually makes you not see [00:19:30] the positive things. And, , it’s just all negatives. I learn along the way that to be even more positive and let go and support my son as much as I can, but also. I like to see things like this, like in your life, have boxes with different people, different situations, , and you have to disconnect all the boxes.
If they’re all connected all the time, , and one starts shaking, then y’all your other sister shaking. Then you lose control. So you have to be able to concentrate on that box. , when it’s moving and do what you can do. And then go back to the others, , and I like to see it that way because it gets really messy, ?
 A good word. Yeah. It gets really, really hard. And my advice to other parents and people out there will be, like I said, just stay there, it’ll pass, you got this, , you can do this, follow your heart also. And don’t. Like judge yourself all the time about your decisions, because in this journey, we’re going to make mistakes as well.
, we’re gonna make decisions that we will regret later on, but at the moment, the decisions you’re making and how you’re fighting for what’s right. And what feels good for you and for your family? It’s going to be okay. , In that, and everything is going to help a little bit. I always look back and I’m like, okay.
Yes, they would have done these for that different. I would have sent him here instead of there, but at the moment, that’s the decision that I, , had to do. And, you [00:21:00] have to trust that. And I feel at the end, yeah. Every little single thing has helped to come. , the, the place that we are today and even, even my son won’t, , he’s not aware yet.
, even if he’s in a better place, he can’t see that every single little thing had helped, , because he, he sees the things that he doesn’t like, or the trauma of being in certain school or this or that, but it could have been worse too. So I think with time he will also see that. The place he sat today had to do with, with himself, , wanting to be better and being resilient, but also with us and all the angels, , during the journey that we’re there at the right moment. Yeah. .
Brenda: I can really resonate with that. The concept of looking at each step had its value that it wasn’t necessarily like, oh, that’s the one thing. Caused him to change. Cause people will ask me that, well, what, what was it that finally made your son change? Right. And it’s not any one thing.
It’s a accumulation of all of the decisions that you and your husband made over the years and the choices that your son made and, , good and bad, right. Because they can learn from the bad. Choices. I call them wisdom giving choices, because that’s what they do. They give you as dumb in the end.
And, and so to know that he is where he is now, and you [00:22:30] have that hindsight to look back and say, yeah, , maybe that wasn’t the best choice, but when you’re in the moment, you’re in the moment you don’t have the rear view mirror to look in at that point. 
Cielo: Absolutely. And you do have, I mean, I do have PTSD, , in a lot of things, like I keep thinking, , oh, why did I make that decision or this or that?
But I also want people out there to know that it’s okay. I’ve come to my son many times and tell him, , I’m sorry for this, right? This part of the journey where I could have done this differently, or I wasn’t, didn’t have the acknowledge of certain things at that point. I’m sorry if that hurt you or it could have been different, but, and so they know, , they know how.
We feel as well. And at the end they know that we’re doing everything just because we love them and we want to help them. So we are right now, actually, there’s been like little things here and there that he will say or show with his, , the kind of hug that he gives you or whatever that makes it all. Okay. It gives you more strength to say, oh my gosh, okay. He knows that I’ve been here for him, that I will continue to be and, and I just want to say I’m really proud, very proud of him, , because they go through so much and it’s really hard and it’s out of their control in a lot of ways.
And it is true that he always says, at the end is when I want to change. And when I was ready, I needed it and when I had it, , and, and yeah, that’s hard. That’s a hard corner to turn. [00:24:00] And so that’s why I’m saying. As of today, I’m really proud of him. And I’m really happy with what I’m seeing, , that he had inside of him that, , and it’s funny.
I wanted to share one day, he said cause I said, do you realize how, , everything that you have to give and how one amazing person you are, and he said, well, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I have a double face or like, , the dark side and the, , the good side and the bad side.
And I’m like, but that’s normal. We all have, , those two sides. The thing is that you have to fight to find it, , the good things and the things that make you feel good and happy and the other ones, it’s okay to feel don’t feel guilty, , for that. But it’s time to move forward.
Brenda: 
Hi, I want to take a quick break because I want to let you know about the community. That Cielo is part of it’s called the stream, and it is a private membership online for moms who have been impacted by their kids, substance misuse, or addiction. And this is not a Facebook. It is completely separate from all social media sites.
And it’s a place where moms start to take care of themselves because most of the time and energy that you have right now is probably being focused on your son or daughter. So we teach craft skills to help you have better conversations and relationships. And then we help you get as physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy as possible [00:25:30] because you are the only one who can give your child a healthy mom.
Right? You can learn more and join us free for two weeks to see if it is the right kind of support for you at the stream community dot. Okay, let’s get back to this incredible conversation with Cielo. It’s so great that he has the ability to recognize that in himself, right. To be able, I mean, that’s a pretty I don’t want to call it advanced, but that’s a pretty enlightened state to be able to say, I have these thoughts. I have these two sides of me that shows that he has really got some insight about himself.
That takes a clear mind to be able to do that. Right. And to have good. , therapy. I know you guys have done so much therapy in different programs. And so it’s those things where you start to go, okay, it’s starting to come together. Right? It’s like all the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place, , and a piece is going to pop out here and there.
And I think you’re very realistic about that and knowing that that could happen, but it’s so great to hear. Him be able to articulate something like that when you think back to some of the bad times that you’ve been in, that’s a pretty big leap forward. 
Cielo: Yes, for sure. And also what, the clarity that you were saying, what gives them the confidence to, , they see how the parents [00:27:00] feel more. Confidence on him and, , give him more like, Hey, I’m going here, I’m going to grab the car. Okay. , you have to also trust, , when, when they’re in a better place, I think it’s very important for them. And it makes them grow even more when they see, oh, wow.
Okay. I can have more freedom. They’re trusting me because I’m showing. That I got this and that is been huge because it’s not easy. Even if there is good, better, right? Like the boundaries and everything, like you still want to like control and you still are fearful that they will make mistakes, but it is important to.
To trust and to let go a little bit and let them know, continue to grow, even if they’re going to continue to make mistakes or not be perfect. That’s okay. But I think that’s, that’s been difficult for my husband and I, but we’re trying, 
Brenda: yes. I was going to ask you, because I think so many people can relate to that scenario of wanting to trust.
At the same time, you’ve been lied to so many times and you’ve been disappointed so many times. How do you do that? Like, what are the conversations going on in your mind or between you and your husband that allow you to say, okay, yeah, you can take the car and go do this or that because that’s not easy.
Cielo: It’s not easy for sure. And my husband and I are not exactly in the same spot. I think it’s been [00:28:30] difficult, more difficult for him to to not be reactive, , to some of the things that he will say or do , because of the past I’m trying, because I also, and I haven’t mentioned this, but , you get.
If you get tired of like trying to control everything and be there for everything and, , and you realize, what, he knows at this point where he can cover our support and our confidence and all that, and where we’re going to be like, what? We can’t help you. Or we can’t do this for you or.
The mess up too big, then, , obviously we’re going to take away the car or you can’t stay here if you do certain things. So going to a place where you trust that he knows the boundaries and yeah. Just let go. I don’t know, but it’s it’s yeah, it’s really, really hard. 
Brenda: It’s really hard. What came to my mind when you were saying that is boundaries, because you, you do have to get to a place where you can say, okay, because I have this boundary and we’ve communicated it and, , That this is the boundary, then yes, you can take the car. And then everybody is aware of what’s going to happen if he misuses that privilege or, or whatever.
And that does give you the freedom, like you were saying to let go, because you do at some point the way. Can become so heavy that you can’t function anymore. And you’ve got other kids, , that you’re raising and you [00:30:00] have a job and relationship and parents and all of that. And so there is a little bit, this is what I try to tell people about boundaries too, is that they do give you freedom.
They do give you the ability to just have a little bit of trust there and. not that it’s always going to go perfectly, but it is a sense of like, oh, okay, I can let that go because we all know the parameters around it. 
Cielo: Right. And that’s, that’s not really her thing is cause the communication’s not, , obviously it’s always been an issue and it will continue to be, , it’s not, the expectations can be too high, , but I think. He knows that that we’re trusting him more. So when he makes a mistake, , he actually apologizes or, , and that’s when it’s been a little hard, it’s like, he will, I don’t know. He said, I’ll be back at 10 and then it’s like 1230 and he’s still not there. What I tell my husband.
He’s like, we come to understand that he’s still young, right? There’s still going to be doing things that are, that will frustrate the parents or breaking the rules or whatever. At the same time, we’re in a way that are placed. So we have to obviously talk to him about what happened and why we wanted him, , at 10 and all that, but not let the trauma of the past, , overcome, , what you’re going through in the moment to just like deal day by day with this new, challenges and try to not compare or look back because then, , They feel it, they feel, oh my gosh.
They’re like, they’re judging [00:31:30] me because of my past. And now we can move forward, , because this is happening. So I think it’s important for them to, to know that they’re picking up in a lot of the stuff like you were saying now that they’re of more clarity and they’re understanding more. That’s also helpful too. , for both parts for the family, , to, to understand more where, where we’re at now and what we all can do to make things better each day and, , kind of not get stuck in the past for sure.
Brenda: Right. Getting stuck in the past as a dangerous place. And it’s very difficult not to do that because once you’ve been burned several times, it’s It’s hard to, , go back from that. One thing I was going to ask you, because you mentioned in the beginning thinking about his, like his motivation and , wanting to make sure that he is moving forward and doing these things.
Have you heard of it’s called paws, PAWS it’s stands for post acute withdrawal syndrome. And I think it’s great to talk about because it is an actual medical condition and it is, and it’s something that in treatment programs they will talk to people about. But I don’t, I think he’s been doing this more on his own with you guys, right? He hasn’t been in like a residential program. 
Cielo: Not for a while, but yeah, he [00:33:00] was in two of them, but yeah. 
Brenda: So post acute withdrawal syndrome is that period, and it can be six months to a year after somebody. Stops using substances and their body physically is adjusting to a whole new situation. Right? All the chemicals are different.
All of the hormones are different. And so a big part of that is actually. That you will see that you would, you would think, and you would hope that as somebody quits using drugs, alcohol, both that they would like become very motivated and like, , do all these things because you’ve got this new lease on life, but it actually is a medical condition that takes up to a year for the brain to start to re structure and to start to be able to have some of those things that we would expect an 18 year old to have. And I will post in the show notes for this episode, a PDF that will go through all of the different symptoms of pause P AWS, because I think it’s important for us to recognize as parents that we see like, okay, well you’re done with that. Or you’re, , you’re moving on. So you should be doing these 11 things and it’s just not realistic. And so I think it can just help with that empathy. And you have a lot of that, and you’ve applied that I think very strategically in your whole family’s recovery as a big tool. To use, to say, , [00:34:30] empathy is going to get us a lot further than anger and judgment and all of that. So I think. And interesting. It’s not even just interesting, but I think it’s pretty critical that we understand that. And it’s something that I haven’t heard a lot about. So I always just ask if people have heard about heard of it, because it’s very informative and you start to see like, Yeah, that makes sense.
, lack of motivation that brain fog and inability to focus, inability to like kind of string things together, right? Like, well, I have to get a driver’s license in order to apply for this. And in order to do that, I have to do that. And it’s very difficult to do that with a brain, especially that’s only four months clean.
So I will put that in the show notes and I’ll, and I’ll offer that to you just as another tool in your, you have a very full tool kit. I know, but it’s another tool to go in there. And I think it’s a great conversation to have with him because sometimes they haven’t been taught that or exposed to what that is, and they can have those feelings of.
Wow. I should be more organized. I should be able to figure out how to do this. I should have, , more motivation and and so to be able to recognize that and have a conversation about it and say, Hey, , this is your body and your brain have been through all a lot, , when you [00:36:00] think about what his brain and his body had been through.
So yeah, and also this kind of the, stunted. Emotional growth and developmental. From when he started using, so, , starting at 12 or 13, that’s, there’s a lot of catching up to do, right? 
Cielo: Absolutely. So, so important. You just touch it’s super critical point. I’m happy that conversation. , ended up here because absolutely I’ve never hear of that.
And it’s kind of your scientific explanation of what I was telling you before. Like, , kind of like the intuition of like, why. Is he so slow now? What is he, , not motivated. What is, , the obviously, yeah, it has to do with that. , like you said, it’s their, their brain. It’s like waking up again right to life and make all the connections on the brain and everything.
And it’s, I’m glad you’re mentioning. This is very important that parents understand this to help them from, , Like you said, you’re like, oh great. They’re in a better spot now. Okay. Now it’s time for them. Okay. Catch up, , finish the school, do these, do that good job. And our son tries so hard and that’s where I’m so proud when I see this situation of how hard it’s for him.
And he kind of had to do. And a way, because he was doing like not probation, but kind of like that he had to do some requirements to close the case. Right. So he was at some point taking his medication for the parishioners to, he was doing therapy twice a week. [00:37:30] He was he was working, he was doing a school online.
He was doing community service at an animal place, so all these, there was huge. This is a look back I’m really, really proud of him. And now. Part of what I was saying, that I’m a little, , that he’s hard for my husband and I to see that non motivation anymore because the case was closed.
And now he started dropping things here and there, , he just told us that he doesn’t want to continue with his job because he’s not happy in the job. He wants to do something else. And he finished community service and I’m like, well, maybe you can stay a little bit, , you love animals. Just ask if they have no.
So he dropped that and then. , we’re like, oh my gosh is dropping everything, but what we have to trust. Like you said, having this conversation with him, I’m going to go home and totally do that and tell him it’s okay. , feeling this way. You just have to keep trying and have to, , communicate with us, see how we can help you and be patient, , It’s normal, what you’re going through, but just don’t not do nothing, right.
It’s, it’s important for your brain to continue to grow and connect and all that, that you find things , to do and keep busy. Obviously, it’s not going to be the expectations that we have because we saw these coming and we want more and more and more. We have to slow them. We have this little bit, but but it’s great. Thank you for mentioning that. 
Brenda: And this is true for us too, is to, in order to have the motivation, let’s say to lose the 10 COVID pounds, you kind [00:39:00] of have to have a reason, right? I’m going on vacation. That gives me good motivation to lose the 10 COVID pounds. If he isn’t kind of looking into his future and seeing a reason to do some of these things that keep him moving forward, it just makes it really hard.
And I think where I, I would get frustrated is, , people would say, well, yeah, Tell your son to, , do these activities or do this for that. And I would just roll my eyes and say, are you kidding me,, he, he can barely get out of bed in the morning. Right. So I think whatever. You can do to help nurture some of his passions and to, to even just have those conversations, because all of that’s been muted for a long time with drugs, right.
And, when his life has been on mute, and then now he’s starting to hear and see and smell, like you said, kind of coming back to life a that can be really overwhelming. Right? Cause now he’s having to do. Everything that life throws at you without the numbing agent of a substance. So that’s hard.
And also he hasn’t really had to think about his passions and his dreams and his future and what he might want to do as a career. Like none of that’s been in his realm of thinking probably for a very long time, so like, we would want to say, well, what are your dreams? What are your goals? [00:40:30] And, and we have to be a little compassionate to say, it might take some time for him to start percolating on those things. Like he might, he literally might not be able to think of what he wants to do as a career or what a passion of his is because he hasn’t really had any for a long time.
So those are things that. , when you see him dropping activities because they’re not required anymore. Of course, that makes sense. He had motivation to do those things, but it wasn’t necessarily an intrinsic motivation. Of his, , because that’s what he wants to do with his life. It was motivated by the fact that it was going to help him with his legal case, which is fine.
Right. And he did it and every step is a step forward and he gained learnings from those things that he did. So. I think you’re on the right path with, and I love hearing how you can communicate those things with him, that you, you are at a point where you can have those conversations with him in a really loving way.
A really empathetic way. Yeah. 
Cielo: Sometimes not good times, Kelly. So sometimes he won’t, but like I said, yeah, not don’t have to pick up an expectation and just go, day by day still and be thankful for. , you’ve accomplished in your family and what they accomplished. Yeah. Just I think that’s another thing, , being thankful for what we do have and what [00:42:00] we’ve, just got accomplished during all these crazy times, then that gives you some hope too.
Brenda: Yes, absolutely. What are you most proud of yourself for? 
Cielo: I think just being kind of the rock of the family, , because emotionally, I feel like, like I said, sometimes looking back, I’m like, how did I do that? Because I, I never lose sight of like my other two, I was really conscious that they were in the mix, , and that they were also suffering their own way.
And I always try to pay attention, , to everything. That’s around me and just try to be empathetic with everybody. , everybody’s different. They show their feelings different. They, , including my husband, my other kids and just trying to be there for everybody, , and do what I can.
Brenda: How do you take care of yourself? 
Cielo: I should do more. I’ve actually been having some like stress is just in my shoulders and my neck. So my goal is to get into some kind of. , yoga stretching, like doing consistently and eating healthier, , and just continue to, , have my things like I have my two little jobs on the side and, , things that keep my brain 
Brenda: they’re not little take out that word little, I love two jobs, three kids, Like don’t minimize. 
Cielo: Yeah, true. , just, yeah. Maybe try to do a little more for my physical health, but I’m good. I’m [00:43:30] thankful, thankful for my family and for everybody things. So, 
Brenda: Your family is extremely lucky to have you. I will tell you that. I know, I know that for certain and yeah, I would love to see you. Now really shift some of that focus because another thing that will help your son is to see mom taking care of mom. Right. And for him to know that mom is rock solid. Not that he doesn’t know that already because you are, but for you to have that sense of you taking care of yourself, you prioritizing yourself really. Sends a message to him, about how you take care of you in the same way that you want him to take care of him in that role modeling of eating well. Getting some exercise taking care of your shoulders are hurting, taking care of that. I think we underestimate sometimes how much they are watching us.
Cielo: Oh my gosh. You are so right. That just brought something to my mind. Cause we had just our family vacation for Christmas and new year and there was like, Close in a circle that was like so meaningful for, , to be the five of us together, sharing things, just like it was kind of surreal, , like I look around like sometimes eating, in a restaurant and five of us having a conversation and like doing fun things, fun activities, kayaking, , the, the The dunes.
We went to some [00:45:00] sand dunes and see Nick, , so happy motorcycle. And, , a lot of things happened that were so meaningful and It just makes me feel that he, like you said, he’s a watching how we are all in a better place because he is in a better place. And that was very important. There was a time also in in new years, my family always makes me sing in the karaoke because they say, I don’t know, but anyway, I sang a song and he was there and I saw like he was kind of behind a post.
And then I. Call him in the microphone, like, Hey, I’m dedicating this to you. So come over here. So he kind of came out and he was like making that heart sign with his hand, , like I hard you and oh my gosh, I can cry right now. It was so many focus. I know he’s, , he sees a lot that we don’t think he sees and he is appreciative of, , things we’ve done for him. And yeah, I just love that kid. 
Brenda: You do love that kid. And he’s so lucky to have you. Well, Missy, I think that this was not just helpful. Well, it was very helpful to me actually, to talk through all of this with you. What are one or two things that you’re going to take away from this and take into your week ahead of you?
Cielo: Well, I always love hearing you and , you always have good to just use your words so good. And I’m like, [00:46:30] make things really clear. And what is very meaningful to me is I’ve been in your stream through the worst and it’s so helpful. Like really it, it just feels, , you’re not alone and again, all the resources and their ideas and tips and words, and it just helped me so much during all this.
Thank you for that. And I, that’s why I wanted to leave this podcast. I was nervous, but I’m like I have to do it because I love talking to Brenda. And I, I know that, , there’s a lot of people that are hearing this podcast and I just want to send a message out there of hope, , to all the parents that go through these, because it’s not our choice.
It’s not a punishment. It’s not, it’s just what, what it is. And just be strong. Be there. Yeah, I’ll do your best and things will look better. 
Brenda: Amazing. Well, I am going to post the paws post-acute withdrawal syndrome information for people to download from the show notes. So that will be at Brenda’s ane.com forward slash podcast.
And then look for this coaching episode and having you really take care of you sounds like something that won’t only benefit you right now, but also just keeping in mind that you’re being watched. Mama. 
Cielo: Yes. I will take that from this podcast too. [00:48:00] I will take care of myself better. 
Well, you 
Brenda: do a good job of that already, but there’s always, I think, room for us to be what we consider taking care of ourselves well is probably not exactly.
 I cannot wait to see you in October at our next retreat. If I don’t see you before then, thank you so much for doing this and we will talk to you soon.
 Thanks for listening. If you would like to get the show notes for any episode, just go to Brenda zane.com forward slash podcast, and then search for the episode. Also, if you would like to get some insight about what might be going. On with your son or daughter right now. And you’d like to find ways to be healthier through that experience, you can download a free ebook. I wrote. 
Called Hindsight, three things. I wish I knew when my son was misusing substances. I truly, truly wish I had known these things. So it is free. It’s available for you at brendazane.com. forward slash hindsight. I’m so glad you took the time to. Listen today. You are doing the hard work that this requires. 
And it matters. Be really good to yourself and I’ll meet you right back here next week. 
Thanks for listening. If you would like to get the show notes for any episode, just go to Brenda zane.com forward slash podcast, and then search for the episode. Also, if you would like to get some insight about what might be going. On with your son or daughter right now. And you’d like to find ways to be healthier through that experience, you can download a free ebook. I wrote. called Hindsight, three things I wish I knew when my son was misusing substances. I truly, truly wish I had known these things. So it is free. It’s available for you at brendazane.com/hindsight. I’m so glad you took the time to listen today. You are doing the hard work that this requires.
And it matters. Be really good to yourself and I’ll meet you right back here next week.