Quick Answer
Leah shares her journey parenting a 25-year-old son struggling with substance use and mental health challenges while simultaneously navigating the death of her first grandchild, caring for family members with dementia, and losing her father-in-law. She describes how faith, the invitation to change approach, and community support help her manage anxiety and maintain hope during what she calls a year of compounded loss.
Key Takeaways
- When your child goes into a dark place and talks about ending their life, it makes sense to feel terrified and speechless – having crisis resources ready can provide support in those moments
- Compounded loss and stress creates what’s called allostatic load – the accumulation of stress over time that affects your physical body through symptoms like heartburn, shortness of breath, and fuzzy headedness
- Anxiety can manifest as overworking, inability to relax, consuming excessive information, and trying to create a perfect environment as a way to control what feels uncontrollable
- Stepping away through travel or breaks helps parents recenter when they’re surrounded by heavy situations day after day
- Looking back at difficult seasons from a future perspective can help identify what you want this time to represent – a line in the sand where you decided fear wouldn’t define your future
In this article
Episode Resources
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Parenting a child through substance misuse is extraordinarily difficult on its own. When you layer on profound grief, caregiving responsibilities for aging family members, and the loss of loved ones, the weight can feel unbearable. This coaching session reveals what it looks like to navigate all of this simultaneously while still holding onto hope.
The Reality of Compounded Loss
Leah describes a year that has tested her in ways she never imagined. She and her husband, high school sweethearts with four children ranging from age 14 to almost 28, are navigating their 25-year-old son’s ongoing struggles with substance use and mental health challenges. This alone would be enough for any parent to manage.
But this year brought what Leah calls a season of ‘compound loss.’ They recently experienced the death of their first grandchild, cared for Leah’s father-in-law through hospice in their home, and continue to care for her mother-in-law and sister-in-law who have dementia and Alzheimer’s. They also lost their 15-year-old family dog and her daughter’s 10-year-old bunny.
‘This year has been kind of, sorry. It just was compounded. And then we care for my mother in law and sister in law who are dementia Alzheimer’s. So you were right, Compounded is definitely the name of the game.’
When discussing the accumulation of stress, Brenda introduces the concept of allostatic load – the buildup of stress and stressors over time. It’s what she calls ‘death by a thousand paper cuts,’ where even without daily crisis, the ongoing nature of difficult circumstances takes a profound toll on parents.
When Your Child Talks About Ending Their Life
For Leah, one of the most terrifying aspects of her son’s struggles is when he goes into what she calls ‘a dark place’ and talks about ending his life. She describes feeling completely at a loss in these moments, especially because he no longer lives at home and she cannot see him physically to assess the immediate danger.
‘Those are the most moments when I feel like I don’t know what to say. I’ve even called the hotline to say, please send me the script. Like right now I need, I’m speechless. I feel like I need to defuse a bomb and this night is not going to end well.’
Brenda normalizes this response by explaining the body’s stress responses. While most people know about fight or flight, she points out that freeze and fawn are the other two responses that people often forget about. When Leah says she’s speechless and paralyzed, that’s her freeze response – she can’t catch her breath, can’t move, doesn’t know what to do.
Leah has learned to have resources ready, including crisis hotlines she can call for support and guidance in these terrifying moments. Having these tools prepared in advance provides a lifeline when panic sets in.
The Physical Toll of Constant Stress
The ongoing stress manifests in very real physical ways for Leah. She describes symptoms including heartburn, shortness of breath, and feeling fuzzy headed – things that could be blamed on other physical issues but that she recognizes as stress-related. She references the idea that ‘the body keeps score,’ acknowledging she needs to be careful about this constant activation of her stress response.
Perhaps more challenging is the emotional armor she and her husband have put up as protection. There’s also the constant need to assess situations – when her son walks in the door, she has to quickly analyze what version of him they’re getting that day and whether she needs to prepare other family members if it’s a holiday gathering.
‘You know, when you really talk about how it affects your body, I can tell like heartburn, like shortness of breath, like fuzzy headed, you know, things that you could blame on other real physical things. I know that, you know, the body keeps score and it is a real true thing.’
Leah’s anxiety also shows up as an inability to relax, constantly working, consuming information, and trying to create a perfect environment. She describes spinning her wheels trying to keep everything clean and orderly because she can’t have anything out of place. While she works from home doing something she loves – teaching dance to young girls – she recognizes this can become a way to avoid dealing with harder emotions.
A Vision From the Rocking Chair
One of the most powerful moments in the coaching session comes when Brenda asks Leah to imagine herself at age 81, sitting in a rocking chair on her front porch, looking back on this season of life. What does she want this time to represent?
Leah’s response reveals both her pain and her hope. She sees this as potentially ‘a line in the sand’ – a defining moment where she learned, witnessed, and grew in ways she didn’t expect. She envisions telling a story about how she stepped out of her comfort zone and used her experiences to make an impact for other mothers.
‘I’d kind of like to say, I’d like to look at it as a line in the sand, in that I learned so much, I witnessed so much, I grew so much, I had to step out of my comfort zone in ways I just didn’t really expect, obviously.’
She describes wanting to look back and know that she decided the future didn’t have to settle in this place of tension and fear. That she sought healing and recognized that where there was loss, new things were born. This perspective shift – from being mired in the present pain to seeing it as part of a larger story of growth – offers a glimpse of the resilience Leah is building.
Managing Anxiety Through Faith and Stepping Away
When asked what might help her manage the anxiety she’s experiencing, Leah identifies faith as fundamental to who she is – her rock. She describes herself as generally a ‘rose colored glasses kind of person’ who likes to face hard things while looking for the good – noticing the flowers, the sunset, the gifts even in difficulty.
However, she acknowledges that this year has challenged that natural optimism and allowed anxiety to creep in more than usual. She’s been doing work around attachment styles and recognizing how interactions affect her anxiety level.
One practice that helps both Leah and her husband is simply taking breaks and getting away. When they’re surrounded day after day by all the heavy situations – the balls in the air that feel so intense – stepping away allows them to recenter. Travel and physical distance from the daily grind provides necessary relief.
‘Just taking breaks, just traveling, just getting out of dodge and stepping away when you’re in it day to day and it’s just surrounding you, all the different things. You know, all of us have so many different balls in the air when you’re surrounded by some of those balls that are so heavy and just intense and they’re surrounding you, it just takes its toll.’
Leah also finds meaning in her work with young dancers, describing it as returning to the pure, innocent joy of her own childhood. Working with little girls in tutus in front of a mirror represents something life-giving for her, even as she recognizes she can sometimes pour too much time into it as a way to avoid dealing with harder emotions.
She’s also seeing some shifts with her son – he’s been coming home more, popping over to hang out, bringing his kitten to visit. She describes this as ‘a very major shift in his personality’ and sees it as potentially the beginning of the pendulum swinging back toward family. While she’s not relaxed enough to think they’re ‘out of the water,’ she’s willing to take this positive sign.
Brenda points out that these shifts are likely connected to all the work Leah has done on herself – learning skills from the invitation to change approach and creating an environment where her son wants to be around his family rather than one where he expects interrogation or tears. All those tools have been woven together into what Brenda describes as ‘a beautiful quilt’ that Leah is laying over her son, and he’s beginning to feel the warmth of it.
Frequently asked questions
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Frequently Asked Questions
How do I cope with my child’s substance use when I’m also dealing with grief and loss?
Leah described this year as one of compounded loss, including the death of her first grandchild, caring for her father-in-law through hospice, and losing family pets. She emphasized that faith serves as her fundamental rock during these times. She also noted that looking for gifts even in hard seasons and maintaining perspective about this being a season rather than forever helps sustain her.
What should I do when my child talks about suicide or ending their life?
Leah shared that these moments terrify her and leave her feeling speechless, especially when her son doesn’t live at home and she can’t physically see him. She has learned to call crisis hotlines in these moments to get guidance and ‘a script’ for how to respond. Having these resources identified ahead of time provides critical support when panic sets in.
How does ongoing stress from my child’s substance use affect my physical health?
Leah described experiencing symptoms including heartburn, shortness of breath, and fuzzy headedness – physical manifestations of what’s called allostatic load, the accumulation of stress over time. She acknowledged that the body keeps score and that she needs to be careful about this constant stress activation affecting her health.
Why do I feel anxious all the time even when things are relatively stable?
Leah recognized that her anxiety shows up as an inability to relax, constantly working, consuming excessive information, and needing to create a perfect environment where everything is clean and orderly. She described this as trying to control what feels uncontrollable. When her son walks in the door, she has to quickly assess what version of him they’re getting that day, which keeps her stress response constantly activated.
How can I reduce anxiety when parenting a child through substance use challenges?
Leah and her husband find that taking breaks and getting away physically helps them recenter. When they’re surrounded day after day by heavy situations, stepping away through travel or just leaving their environment allows them to remember they have each other and that tomorrow is a new day. She also described faith as fundamental to managing anxiety.
What does it mean when my child starts coming around more after periods of distance?
Leah noticed that in the last couple of weeks, her son has been coming home, popping over to hang out, doing jobs at their house, and bringing his kitten to visit. She described this as a major shift in his personality and potentially the beginning of the pendulum swinging back toward family connection. While she’s not ready to say they’re ‘out of the water,’ she sees this as a positive sign and is willing to take it.
AI Answer Summary
Q: How do I cope when my child’s substance use coincides with other major family losses? A: Leah describes this year as one of ‘compound loss’ including her grandchild, father-in-law, and family pets. She emphasizes that faith serves as her rock and that looking for gifts even in hard seasons helps her maintain perspective. Q: What do I do when my child talks about ending their life? A: Leah shares that these moments terrify her and leave her speechless, describing it as feeling like she needs to ‘defuse a bomb.’ She has called crisis hotlines for support and scripts in these moments. Q: How can I reduce the anxiety that comes with constant uncertainty about my child’s wellbeing? A: Leah recognizes her anxiety manifests as working excessively, inability to relax, and need to control her environment. She’s learning that taking breaks, traveling, and stepping away from the daily intensity helps her and her husband recenter.
Transcript
0:01I think I generally have been a rose colored glasses kind of person, and I am still, generally. I like to face the hard things with, but it’s gonna get better. But we’re not gonna, you know, but look at all these good things. Look at these flowers over here. Look at the, you know, that sunset. So looking for the gifts, but at the end of the day, I let anxiety creep in. You’re listening to HopeStream. If you’re parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program, or finding their way to recovery, you’re in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and fellow mom to a child who struggled. This podcast is just one of the resources we offer for parents. So after the episode, head over to our website at hopestreamcommunity. org. I’m so glad you’re here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. And now let’s get into today’s show. Hello, friend, happy coaching episode day. Today’s session ended up being one of my favorites for a couple of reasons. One, I know Leah personally, because she’s been a member of the stream for over two Two years, I believe, and has attended two of our retreats. So that makes it really nice because I have some depth with her and I’ve been witness to the ups and downs of her roller coaster ride. Also, it became a favorite because Leah is not just navigating through her son’s substance misuse and some mental health challenges that are underlying that. She has also had a year with unimaginable loss and grief, and she shares openly how that’s impacted her. She also shares vulnerably about the expectations she had for her family and how she thought she had checked all the boxes in the parenting department to ensure her four kids did not have struggles. And together we take a trip in a time machine to when Leah is in her 80s in a rocking chair on her porch. And we talk about what she wants this season of life to represent. It’s very powerful, and I even got a little choked up. I know you are also not just dealing with one thing. There are always layers of life experiences, and sometimes, unfortunately, the hard ones can all clash together at the same time. Leah is such a beautiful example of someone who’s embracing all the support systems she can. She’s done a ton of work on herself and she has implemented the techniques and strategies of the invitation to change approach and she has seen some positive results. Of course, everything isn’t unicorns and rainbows, but there are some bright spots on the horizon that she sees, and you are going to hear about those as well. I love coaching episodes. They’re very special and sacred. And because of that, I just want to remind you that we do not use our members real names to protect their privacy, which is of paramount importance to us at HopeStream. Okay, I know you want to hear it. Let’s dive in. Hi, Leah, welcome to the coaching episode of HopeStream. Happy to have you. It’s so fun because I know you, like I’ve got to spend time with you in person, which always makes it more special and so I’m really happy to have you here and spend a little bit of time with you. I know you have a lot going on as always. Just a little bit. So with that, why don’t you give us some groundwork for where things are in your family and then we’ll just go from there. So give us, give us a little bit of the one on one on Leah’s family today. My husband and I have been married, uh, we were high school sweethearts. We have four kids and they’re now three of them adults and we have 14 year old still home. And our oldest daughter is almost 28 and she she just went through a loss of an infant. So we have box number one and then behind door number two is, uh, we have our son who is our purpose for being here and he is 25. He is a kind of a continual rollercoaster when I feel like I’m learning and doing good and thriving with my kind of way of handling things because I’m, Listening well to my podcast or, you know, because I’m really getting the coaching that I need you know, there’s waves of good and there’s waves of him not doing good, which throws me back into, you know, kind of questioning. And I think the hardest part is speechlessness when he’s doing well and I’m feeling well trained. I feel like I’ve got all the words tucked away. But when he is. Kind of going off chart again, uh, suddenly I panic and get speechless. So he is, he’s that one. And then we have a 22 year old, uh, who just graduated college and she’s doing really well and possibly moving back home, uh, for, you know, the transition of going into a job. And then our 14 year old. Baby who you know, kind of is witness to all the older set have been through and gone through and things like that. So we had a seven year gap between kids and, you know, as parents were different people each time. Because we have different experiences, no matter what. So they all grew up kind of middle upper class, I would say comfort zone. And I was recently listening to the other podcast on codependency and I realized they were so well protected. And I feel I was so naive that the protections we had bubbled around them would, I don’t even know, I didn’t even. consider it as an option that I would be here. Well, first of all, you have four kids. I’m just going to say that even if all of them were doing spectacularly, that is a lot to navigate, especially when you have a little one. Yeah. At 14, I consider, I’m sure you consider him your baby too. That’s a, that’s a very wide spread for you from an age and accomplishment and development. standpoint so holy cow just pat yourself on the back for that and then to have one who’s struggling to have just lost your first grandchild I mean it’s It’s really important, and I am constantly amazed when I do these coaching sessions at how we tend to downplay the load that you are carrying, the load that you are carrying, and there’s actually a term for that, it’s called allostatic load, and it is That accumulation of stress and stressors that build up over time. So it may not be that you’re having like a daily crisis in your home, but it’s the, I call it the death by a thousand paper cuts, right? It’s just over time. Which is so true for us because we too had just Gone through doing hospice in our home for my father in law, which again is a loss. It was a beautiful It was a beautiful way to say goodbye. Just like you said, compounded. This year has been kind of, sorry. No, don’t be sorry at all. It just was compounded. And then we care for my mother in law and sister in law who are dementia Alzheimer’s. So you were right, Compounded is definitely the name of the game. And we learn and we grow and we survive each day. With it all, it comes back to, you know, the kids that you treasure. Yes, absolutely. And I know, because I know you a little bit, that you treasure each one of them so much, including your special child that brings you to HopeStream. I, I used to, I used to say my troublemaker and then I thought, you know what, it’s not that. It was he was, and I, and I believe this too, I don’t know how you feel about this. I do believe that our kids who struggle like this are the brave ones who are willing to act in a way that alerts us to the fact that something is wrong. Right. Right. And. He suffers for it and you suffer for it and your whole family suffers for it And if you can keep going and get to the other side if I say that loosely because there really is no other side But into a more consistent place of feeling better Everybody wins right? And so I really think they are the brave ones. They are the ones who are saying, no, it’s not okay. Something is not okay. And so we talk about this a lot, right? And in craft and the invitation to change that his behaviors do make sense as difficult as that is to watch. When you think about where Things are today with him. What feels kind of the heaviest or the most? painful for you Overriding in a mama’s heart is the pain of the bond that I felt I had established or Yeah nurtured And his growing up years, what I, I thought it would lead to the outcome that I dreamt of. And the fact that it didn’t, you know, I feel like I’ve kind of wrapped my head around that. I feel like I’ve done good at like kind of separating myself out a little bit and watching from, you know, from afar and just kind of looking over the situation. Those tools have been so helpful when he goes into a dark place, it just terrifies me. I think he knows that and over the years he’s kind of used that if we, you know, haven’t seen him in a while, he’s been out on his own and he hasn’t lived in the home for a number of years now, but we’re about eight years on our journey with him. And I feel like yeah, it’s when he wants to talk like end of life things to us. That is very scary. To me, those are the most moments when I feel like I don’t know what to say. I’ve even called the hotline to say, please send me the script. Like right now I need, I’m speechless. I feel like I need to defuse a bomb and this night is not going to end well. And because he’s older, there’s not really a lot of. Instantaneous help without jumping through some hoops, you know, to get there. So and especially since he’s a, he’s not in my home. I can’t see him physically to see, is he really acting on this or not right now? He’s not in that place. We were there a couple of weeks ago. And sometimes it ties into a big event in the family and and now he’s kind of on an upswing, however, life is just harder for him. And I think it kind of circles back to, is it substance use or mental health, which came first? That’s the question all of us want to know how did we get here was, you know, I think I’m past the point of asking what could I have done differently? I realized I did everything, you know, I knew. Don’t be sorry. It’s a lot. It’s a lot. You have a lot of tools that you’ve learned and that you use. And at the same time, when he goes into a dark place and, and I know just based on what you said and from talking to you previously that he does have suicidal ideation and he does talk about that. And how would that not terrify a parent? I mean, There’s, there’s no possible way that that wouldn’t terrify you. So that makes perfect sense that you would feel that way. And also I think what, one thing that’s interesting that we forget about is the body’s stress response, you know, our nervous system, we always hear about fight or flight, right? Fight or flight, fight or flight. Well, what people forget about is freeze and fawn. And those are the other two. So when you say, I don’t, I’m speechless, I don’t have words, that is that freeze response of right. You can’t catch your breath. You’re like, I’m paralyzed. I can’t move. I don’t know what to do. And so it’s wonderful that you recognize that and that it sounds like you’ve had some, you know, you have. a go to, which is a crisis line that you can call, which is amazing. You’ve got what I’m kind of envisioning is this roller coaster that isn’t necessarily like the straight up and the straight down and the curly cues, but it’s this ongoing rolling roller coaster that every once in a while, it sounds like there’s a loop de loop in there that you, that you didn’t see going into it. And so that keeps your. stress response at its highest possible level. What does that feel like in your body? Like, how is that manifesting itself in you? This con, this like constant allostatic load that’s just so much. You know, when you really talk about how it affects your body, I can tell like, You know, if you want specifics like heartburn, like shortness of breath, like fuzzy headed, you know, things that you could blame on other real physical things. I know that, you know, the body keeps score and it is a real true thing that I need to really be careful for that. You know, it’s not a fun feeling when they walk in the door and you have to analyze what are we getting today? Are we getting the good? Right. Do I need to, if it’s a holiday. Party with family. Do I need to prepare anyone? Do I need to prepare myself that it’s not going to go well or that I need to make accommodations for, you know, the way things are going to go? Yes. But always praying that it’s going to go great. It’s going to be happy. It just hasn’t been that way. In the last number of years, but he, you know, was always like the life of the party and, and I just really, truly think of the future and I see that as him, like, I just really like, when are we going to come out of this fog of a time period and get back to the regular scheduled programming? Like, we’re going to just, yeah, this interruption that just Again, you didn’t prepare for it. You didn’t read it and what to expect when expecting. It just, it throws you into a world of the unknown where when you, when you thought you were doing really great with your kids and doing all the things, all the field trip helper and marching band parent and, you know, supporting all their activities You aren’t also studying all the books now, I realized I should have been reading because I just thought, no, he would not, you know, they would never get into that or, you know, depression would never touch them. And that’s just not real. I mean, and it hadn’t touched me until going through, you know, just this reality check. And again, it’s not fair to generalize. Based on this year. I’m happy because we’ve never been in a season quite like this. We also lost our family dog. It was 15 and our, my daughter’s bunny who was 10. So it was just like one year of compound loss. And then having, you know, other things happening. Tandemly, it’s kind of like, okay. Where our armor is up, I guess that back to your question on physical things, there’s an armor of protection that I know my husband and I both put up, but I think that mindfulness and trying to, uh, relax and trying to keep the main thing, the main thing and separate ourselves out a little bit and just go keeping back to our roots of what is the foundation of our family. And what do we want our younger son to take away from all this, because he is truly he’s learning so much watching all of these things. I mean, a 14 year old really. Most 14 year olds have not witnessed what this boy has witnessed with his sisters and certainly his brother, but his grandparents and real true life lessons. So it’s a lot for him. Absolutely. Absolutely. You mentioned the word seasons, and I love that you have that perspective because I think Sometimes you can get so zoomed in, right, and myopic on, like you said, this year, like this year has just been hell for you. There is no other way to describe it. And I’m so I’m glad to hear you have this perspective of seasons and I know it’s not easy to always go back to that. But when you think of this season of your life with everything that’s going on. What if you think you’re going to look back when you’re in a different season? So, you’re now 81, you’re on your front porch in a rocking chair, and you’re telling this story, maybe I’m hanging out with you, and, and we’re reflecting back on, oh my gosh, do you remember that day that we did that coaching episode? What do you think you’re going to think about this particular season? I’d kind of like to say, I’d like to look at it as a line in the sand, in that I learned so much, I witnessed so much, I grew so much, I had to step out of my comfort zone in ways I just didn’t really expect, obviously. And And that I could see a shift in my in the way that I wanted to leave a legacy then for the future to prevent that for other people, or certainly say, okay, that was when I decided that. The future doesn’t have to settle in this place. The future doesn’t have to hold the tension or the fear. The fear is the big one. I don’t have to hold those things and let it define me as I’m going forward. That I used it, I used my experiences, I I made an impact for, yeah, I made an impact for other people, other moms to tribe together and didn’t look back on regret or would have, could have, should have things that I, I decided that wasn’t worth my time anymore. And that I sought healing. You know, I saw that where there was loss, new things. You new babies were born. You said so many things there that are so beautiful. I wish I would’ve been writing them down, but I wasn’t.’cause I was so engrossed in what you were saying and what I think is, man, I would be so lucky to know this woman. I would be so lucky to learn from her wisdom to see that yes, she went through. a lot of pain, a lot of fear, and yet look at her. And so I’m wondering how, when you think about, so you said the line in the sand, which is very interesting, and I like that a lot too. Now you almost have me crying. When you think a little bit more specifically about what the pre post might look like from the standpoint of Habits or practices or mindsets that you could use right now because you’re in it right now. You’re not in the rocking chair at 81, right? You’re clear present in the moment. And so I just wonder what some of those things might look like that when you are in the rocking chair, you might say, well, that’s when I started XYZ. Any thoughts on that? I think that faith is for me fundamentally my rock. Realizing that as hard as it is, the hard things create beautiful things and the cracks create Who we are and can, I’ve prayed for him, you know, that the cracks that I see crack on wide open and the beauty just grows from it. I certainly think that with my younger son, the experiences I’m going through with brother are paving the way, hopefully preventing this ever happening again. I can’t see the future. I can’t, I can’t say that it won’t. I mean, his life, I truly feel is going to be his life and I can do all that I can do. Certainly I think he looks at it and he’s thinking I would never subject myself to that, but it is all around him in middle, he’s about to go to high school. He has certainly had friends who know our story, who I’ve actually sat down with groups of his friends and said, you know, this was our family’s experience. If any of you ever have. Trouble with this. I am a safe person, you know, I know your parents, some of them, I don’t, some of them are here all the time and I’ve never met their parents. Which is shocking to me, but to be a place for those kids to at least hear of a story of a mother who has this. Loved her kids so much and to see that we didn’t give up on them, that we’re still praying through it every day, just hoping and being, feeling steadfast and keeping hoping for the, the best of the situation that this is going to work itself out. With whatever help we can do, whatever means we need to take, that it is going to see a brighter day. Hi, I’m taking a quick break to let you know some exciting news. There are now two private online communities for supporting you through this experience with your child or children. The stream community for those who identify as moms and the woods for guys who identify as dads. Of course, this includes step parents and anyone who is caring for a young person who struggles with substance use and mental health. The Stream and the Woods exist completely outside of all social media, so you never have to worry about confidentiality. And they’re also ad free. So when you’re there, you’ll be able to focus on learning the latest evidence based approaches to helping people change their relationship with drugs and alcohol. In both communities, we have a positive focus without triggering content or conversations, and we help you learn to be an active participant in helping your child move towards healthier choices. You’ll also experience the relief of just being able to be real. Connect with other parents who know fully what you’re going through and have battle tested mentors alongside. You can check out both The Stream and The Woods for free before committing, so there’s no risk. Go to hopestreamcommunity. org to get all the details and become a member. Okay, let’s get back to the show. You said faith is, is a big rock for you. You talked a little bit about mindfulness and, and obviously you’re a wonderful student in our community and, and attend a lot of things and have learned a lot of the, the craft skills. So I’m wondering when you think about. Now and looking out in the next couple of months, knowing that, that you’re on that slow and steady roller coaster of ups and downs. Is there something in particular that you would like to see shift either in yourself or that’s within your, you know, we talk about the hula hoop, right? So that, is there anything in your hula hoop that you’re like, I kind of like to make that a little bit better or dial that up a little bit? I really am working hard on my anxiety level. I think the recent studies on like attachment style and, All those things have really made me deep dive. And I realized, looking at how interactions affected me, how I’m holding that anxiety level, and I don’t think it’s ever affected me as bad, but again, this year has been so crazy. I think I generally have been okay. been a rose colored glasses kind of person and I am still generally, I like to face the hard things with, but it’s gonna get better, but we’re not gonna, you know, but look at all these good things. Look at these flowers over here. Look at the, you know, that sunset, uh, The sunset is a gift and so looking for the gifts, but at the end of the day I let anxiety creep in What does that look like for you? Like how would you describe it? Probably I get lost in work Like I don’t relax okay, even if I sit down my mind just cannot turn off and I kind of stay in a loop of How much information can I consume? How much can I fix things? How much can I create the space that I’m living in as perfect as possible because it’s going to be clean, is going to be orderly, is going to be, and I know that’s anxiety but I can’t have anything out of place. So I literally spin my wheels, set up to send down Which is a working from home thing. I’m in the house all the time. So I dive into work. I, I happen to love what I do and I get so much joy. From the kids that I work with. Yeah, that’s totally fine. I think the things that I have been through with my son make me want to just protect, throw a layer of love and protection and hope over the kids that are rising up. And so most of my kids are little girls because they’re dancers. And so we do, I have some boys, but predominantly girls. And. Girls in tutus in front of a mirror. It just is pure, innocent joy. Like my mother in law with Alzheimer’s, she goes back to her favorite. Her mind takes her back to the sixties when she was, uh, or late fifties, early sixties, probably touring France and Spain as an air force wife and prominent. And that’s where her mind at almost 90, that’s where she goes back to. And I think. That is probably in my mind, me going back to that early childhood and the joy that these little girls have when they’re dancing. And it is just so sweet. And so I dive into that and I love it. It’s such a great thing that you have that, that you love and you can hang on to, and at the same time, on the one hand, yes, it’s beautiful and probably very refreshing and nurturing and so, you know, life giving. And because of that, you can pour probably a little bit of an excess amount of time into it. And, and so you talked about sort of not relaxing, consuming a lot of information, fixing things, creating a perfect, you know, home and, and all of that, which is, it makes sense, right? You’re trying to control things because there’s this big, hairy, ugly thing out there that you can’t control. What’s the downside of that? sort of trying to control and working too much. Exhaustion. Exhaustion. Yeah. Yeah. I feel bad for my husband that, You know, at the end of the day, we’re both so tired and having two elderly grown adults. It’s like we’re career parents, but now we know we raised our four kids and now we’re circling back and raising his mom and sister and And they are like two of our children right now. So the running around the, the daily tasks surrounding all of that leave us both pretty tired. And I think, you know, we’re just both on edge because of, uh, being worried and concerned and we are a good team, you know, we’ve always just worked it through. And I think at the moment. There’s just this anxiety ball kind of around us that is hard to break out of. And it’s, you know, it can pick up momentum or we can try to stop it. So, right. Right. You know, that would be the great, let’s just pop that thing. And yeah. Well, has there been a time that you can think of maybe in the last couple of years or maybe even further back where you had this really weighty time? And you found some little things, maybe with him or maybe just, just with yourself or both, that helped maybe like poke a little hole in that big ball of anxiety. Is there anything that comes to mind? Just taking breaks, just traveling, just getting out of dodge and stepping away when you’re in it day to day and it’s just surrounding you, all the different things. You know, all of us have so many different balls in the air when you’re surrounded by some of those balls that are so heavy and. Just intense and they’re surrounding you, it just takes its toll. So stepping away, getting out of it really helps us and we can recenter again, having a faith that we can remember tomorrow’s a new day and we have each other. At the end of the day, it’s which is such a gift. Yeah, it is the gift. And we don’t take that lightly. We know that it is. And we just love our kids so much. They’re just so unique. They’re so different. You know, that would be what I want my son to make sure he remembers that he’s not the black sheep outsider. He still has his quadrant of my heart. Oh, that is uniquely his. And and I think we’re beyond, certainly when he was a teenager, it was the, Pendulum swinging away from family. I do truly feel in the last just couple of weeks, it is starting to swing back. He has been coming home just popping over and hanging out with us or coming over for some jobs he does, or bringing his little kitten over to visit. But it’s definitely a very major shift in his personality that he is wanting to be. And so if that’s the beginning of it, fully swinging back, I will take it. Am I prepared that it’s going to, go the other way and then we, you know, I’m, I’m not relaxed enough to say that we’re out of the water, clearly, but I see a shift and I will take it, I will take it as game. Yeah. You will take it, absolutely, absolutely. And what I love about hearing that is that I know that you have worked so hard on yourself Yeah. To, to really. Foster his motivation to come around to not be a place where he’s thinking, well, if I go there, I’m going to get 50, 000 questions and my mom’s going to be bawling her eyes out. And right, you’re doing so much work to make coming home and having a relationship with you, something that is positive and feels good. And so that’s where. And all of those tools start to come together. I always call him a quilt, right, because not one thing works. It’s positive reinforcement, plus self care for you, you know, plus remembering that this makes sense in some other world that we don’t quite know yet. Right. All of those things are being woven together into this beautiful quilt that you are laying over him. And it’s so hard, but she’s fine. Feeling the warmth of that quilt that you are making. I love that, Brenda. That’s really sweet. It’s really true, and he is feeling it. And what I want to make sure of is to go back just, if we could just like rewind a little hair, is to go back to how you said sometimes getting away with your husband or by yourself can really do a lot toward relieving that anxiety and And sort of letting you let go of the perfectionism, the, the need to control the environment, all of that. And I have to imagine that that’s also benefiting your younger son who’s in the home and seeing mom control, control, control, and stress. And, and she’s, you know, sweeping and she’s vacuuming and she’s dusting and she’s picking up. And what if you were to spend some of that time. Letting go of that and instead saying to your younger son, Hey, want to go do something? He and I have a great relationship and I, I just cherish it. And I feel like if he goes through a hard time, I’ll be ready. Oh yes, you will. But you know, let’s hope and pray that he just doesn’t. I mean, he is, a very faith aimed guy on his own. I mean, he really attached to his youth group well, and he really loves that environment and he’s also so. He’s spoken on a podcast about his faith and things like that. So I feel like it’s going well and, but I appreciate that. Yes. I don’t take lightly the time that I set aside for him and, and cherish, just absolutely cherish. So how can you get a little bit more of that for yourself? Well, that’s the problem. That’s really funny. Okay, that is really truly, I guess, the nail on the head. Because then at the end of the day, there’s not room. I think that the whole dance program that I have, I do consider that my self time. Because when I say I love it, I really mean that I truly do. It is creating an environment of joy, and me establishing joy gives me joy, so call it work or not, it is joyful. I remember being a little girl, and I’m trying to create for them what I would have dreamt of. And so in fact, I’m getting it back. Yes. Getting those days back. Yes. And if, you know, if you’re doing these things and it isn’t impacting you negatively, right? So if you, you know, you know, you might lean more towards consuming a lot of information or trying to fix things, and that’s not bad, unless it’s becoming a burden and unless it’s making you resentful. And so I would just say to watch for those things. And when you feel those little tugs of like, Oh, you know, why am I doing this again? Or this is taking too, too much of my time. Just let that be a reminder that, you know, you need your life and you need, and we, you know, we’ve talked about this at retreats and different things is you need to still have you separate from your kids and separate from your husband so that you have all of the amazing opportunities and abilities. that live within you to come out because then that blesses everyone around you, right? So especially as a mom to four and you’ve, you’ve still got a young one and you’ve, you’ve got so many people that you’re giving to that. I just want to make sure you find some ways to fill your cup so that you don’t turn around one day and your, your picture is empty and you’re like, Oh, wait a minute. Right. And that is where at the moment, uh, I feel a supernatural feeling is happening. The time of the baby’s loss is sacred and it was so beautiful. It was of course hard and devastating, but it was sacred. And now that I think about it, my son’s kind of swinging back a little bit. There’s so much beautiful family time during that. And he did participate. And that was kind of, I feel like, maybe a start now that I’m timelining it in my brain. The start of him kind of coming back, uh, it was just such a raw part of life to witness. And because we were involved, because we were a part of it, and we can see and hold this little guy. for the brief time that we did. What is sacred and packed? He made, it was beautiful. And anyway, so I think of that word sacred when I think of him. And when you were saying that, you know, what came to mind for me was, Because I feel this way about the work that I do, but I, I feel like the thing that your son is going through right now is also sacred. True. This, this is a period for him of rawness, of real life, of just, you know, probably just being at the edges of himself. And this is such a sacred time in this season. Yeah. That it’s so painful, and it’s, it’s so hard for you, and I feel like you might be, again, in the rocking chair with the same feeling in your heart that you have for the baby as you do for him to say, that was real life. That was a very sacred time for our family because it was. He was at this point where he was meeting himself, he was figuring himself out, and, and I think you’re right, the, the closeness that you all felt during that time could have been a really big shift for him. Right. And it was all four of them gelling together. His younger sister, he was not very nice to, and so she has some, she has some hard work to do getting over that kind of trauma, those trauma years with him on that. And you know, they say when you’re adults, you’re just friends with your siblings and They certainly had their rough patches as kids, but that’s my dream. That’s what I want to just leapfrog over to get to that part where they are all just four adults and their kids are running around. And I’m with you in our rocking chair. And you and I are in a rocking chair with some iced tea, just like, woof. Yes. Like, wow, that was a wild ride and, and, and then you do, you feel blessed because your life was so rich and it certainly wasn’t boring. So beautiful. Well, how do you feel moving through the rest of your day today and, and through the weekend? How are you feeling? I’m good. I feel it’s very healing to talk about it and I’ll certainly talk about it with somebody who understands. It’s empowering to get feelings out that is going to impact somebody else. Thank you for being willing and vulnerable to do this and to absolutely share because as you know, it’s so helpful and I know that people are going to hear it and learn and cry and relate to everything that you have said so well. I know that I have been so blessed by others who’ve shared their stories. I always, again, I just want to like jump through the line and thank them for doing that. And I need to be more mindful to actually do it. So I will try to do that. Okay, my friend, that is a wrap for today. Don’t forget to download the new ebook, Worried Sick. It’s totally free and it will shed so much light on positive tools and strategies you can use right now. to start creating those positive conditions for change in your home and in your relationships. It is at HopeStreamCommunity. org forward slash worried. And guess what? We have moved the entire podcast to our website at HopeStreamCommunity. org. So now when you want the show notes or resources, or if you want to download a transcript, just go to HopeStreamCommunity. org and click on podcast notes. And you will find it all there. You can search by keyword, episode number, guest name, and we have created playlists for you. Makes it much easier to find episodes grouped by topic. So we’re really excited to have that done and hope you like the podcast’s new home. Please be extraordinarily good to yourself today. Take a deep breath. You’ve got this and you are going to be okay. You’re not doing it alone. I will meet you right back here next week.
