Helping Your Young Adult Child Choose Treatment With Less Resistance, with Joanna Lilley

Brenda:
Hey Joanna. Welcome back to Hope Stream for another episode. It’s been a while, so I’m thrilled to have you. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to be back. Yeah, it’s been a little bit, as you said last time you saw me, I was in my closet and I have now updated to a fake olive tree. And a painting and my son, positive upgrade.
That’s what happens when your 25-year-old moves out and you like instantly pounce on their room. It is now my office. I love it. It’s so nice. But yes, we just, you know, well, I think we started our podcasts at about the same time. When did you start Success is Subjective officially as an audio format only.
It was launching live in February of 2020. Okay. But I had actually started some of the recordings in the fall of 2019. Right. Okay. So exact same timing. Yeah. So we’ve grown up in the world of podcasting together. We’re coming up. Up, yes. [00:01:00] So if you have not listened to Joanna’s podcast Success is Subjective, it is so absolutely encouraging, enlightening.
Mind opening because you recognize that there are a billion ways to get to the other side. Which thank you for doing that because you know, I tell recovery stories, but they tend to be a little bit more like very substance use specific and I love hearing, oh, there’s just the range of people that you have talking about their journeys and their struggles and the ups and downs and the twists and the turns it took to get him there.
So it’s awesome. We’ll put a link in the show notes to Joanna’s podcast but today what we wanted to talk about was, how in the heck do you get a young person to entertain the idea of even thinking about contemplating, potentially hypothetically getting some help or [00:02:00] going to treatment? It feels like the big elephant in the room, right?
When you’re the parent and your kids are, you’re, you’re trying to get them some help and it’s like, no, I can’t have that conversation or, so this is what you do all day, every day. So we thought it would be a really good idea to just chat about what you’re seeing. I’d love to just get a quick update on what’s going on in the treatment industry specifically for young adults and then we can chat about how do we get our kids to even start thinking about it. How’s that sound? Yep, I’m ready for it. Yeah. Trends, trends are just like things that I’m seeing. I think in reflection of the last year specifically, I’m seeing program models shift, or I don’t wanna say program closures.
That’s actually, that, that was a little bit more common. You know, kind of coming out of the financial implications post [00:03:00] pandemic. Mm-hmm. But now I think, you know, programs are just making executive decisions of we need to shift to be a short-term treatment model, or hey, we don’t have the staffing and capacity to provide the level of support that families need nowadays.
So we just need to like have a very dialed and specific approach and that might look like, what people know about us is no more, right, because we’re completely shifting to a different direction. I would say that the other thing that I’ve kind of seen a little bit is because of clients coming in at the point that they do, it takes longer for like getting into the swing of things with treatment.
This again, anecdotal, but it’s what I’m seeing in the young adult space where normal 90 day treatment program, right or like the stay treatment program, you might be seeing a young adult stay longer. Mm-hmm and that’s not a complete anomaly anymore. It’s a little [00:04:00] bit more common and I think that also just speaks to like the level of complexity that is also showing up.
It’s not just substance use, it’s substance use and autoimmune issues and legal issues and family dynamics and you know, like the list goes on and so it just, there’s a lot that needs to be peeled back to be able to even get at the core to start to do the work, to then be ready for like that reintegration into the world i’m seeing folks stay, care a little bit longer. Interesting. When we were chatting before we recorded that we as Hope Stream are seeing parents come in with kids in a more acute stage, like they’ve been waiting, waiting, waiting and we of course hear, well, I’ve been listening to the podcast for a year, I’ve been listening and I’m like, oh wow, that’s a long time but yeah, it seems like there’s so many complexities at bay and the parents are scratching their heads at like, what is driving the [00:05:00] bus? Is it the mental health thing? Is it the eating disorder? Is it the neurodiversity? Is it the autoimmune disease? Or talked to somebody recently who when they uncovered everything, it was really a case of very severe Lyme disease that had triggered a bunch of different
responses, including substance use. So I mean, you just can’t even wrap your head around it. So yeah, that level of care is so important to know, and we’ll get into this, which is why, you know, we always say, if at all possible, please work with a knowledgeable consultant because you know that it is not just, well, he is just smoking a lot of weed.
Like there’s never a case where it’s just that. So you have to have somebody who can help you navigate and find the right program that does offer the solution that you need. ’cause they’re so different. I mean mm-hmm. That’s the thing I kind of love when we go to conferences and you talk to all these different programs at a conference and you realize how unique and different they are.
I mean, they’re at a base level. There’s [00:06:00] some, you know, treatment that’s similar, but there’s so many nuances to it that finding that place is just, wow. I mean, it’s a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and to have a finger on the pulse too, of like, oh yeah, this program, like, we’ve known about it for a while, but to understand like, oh, there’s, they’re making significant changes into the new year.
If you’re not aware of that and you’re thinking, oh, we’re gonna pursue this potential program because we’ve heard great things. You need to also be aware of what changes are on the horizon are already in motion. Yeah. Well, and one that we have seen in the last 24 months really is the insurance change where, you know, a program, I would kind of still consider them private pay.
You might get some reimbursement now, whereas before you might not. Mm-hmm but it does seem like more programs have started to, I don’t wanna say embrace insurance because I’m sure it’s not really a loving embrace. That word [00:07:00] connotate something very positive, which, you know, it is positive in a lot of ways for parents to be able to recoup at least some, like if it’s an out of network situation because it’s just so much. But I have seen that at least where we will have a family say, oh yeah, we’re getting X amount of this covered by insurance. Not all of it. It’s not like it’s a 100%, but better than nothing, you know? Totally. Yeah. So, okay. Well that’s very interesting. I like hearing that.
It’s a question that we get all the time in our community and we do help parents figure out how to start offering and inviting their kids to accept help. But from your standpoint, and maybe just, I assume everybody knows you, but I dunno, let us know, what you do and then how you work, because you work a little, you know each consultant works differently, but you have a very specific way in which you work with families.
So share that with us and then we’ll sort of dive into how parents can start thinking about talking to their [00:08:00] kids. Yeah, absolutely. I am a therapeutic consultant that works with young adults. So all of my clients are over the age of 18, but really sandwiched between 18 and 29. It’s kind of open-ended, what it is that they’re struggling with other than the age.
That’s really like, okay, that’s a starting point. The important piece in all of this, and I think you were kind of hinting at it earlier too, is that there’s also just a need for creativity and like, what is it, you know, curiosity and creativity and finding the appropriate supports for a young adult. And so my, I think I have the reputation at this point, which is a double-edged sword.
So I wanna be careful in saying this, like, I don’t want to be the person who’s known for being creative. ’cause creative means you have to do a lot of legwork to really find the right supports and so anyways, I say all this. It can be like outpatient supports all the way up to like actually treatment programs and everything in between.
Some therapeutic, [00:09:00] some like, you know, non-therapeutic but supportive and again, it’s just there, there’s a ton of resources, what makes me different, and I think you were kind of also mentioning this, is that parents will meet with me first ’cause it’s usually this, Hey, well we might need to like hire somebody to help us in this process. The thing that makes me different is because I work with an over like an adult population, I need to actually connect with the adult, the perceived or priority family member that we’re talking about that needs care and I actually view that. It’s a part of the complimentary consultation process.
I meet with parents first, and then I meet with the young adult. The young adult has to understand who I am, what I represent, what it means if they agree to work with me. And I tell them, point blank, it’s your decision. Yeah. So I actually encourage them and I encourage parents, have your young adult meet with several consultants, or at least two like interview professionals to identify who do I wanna work with?
So that, I think, [00:10:00] again, that just makes me, a little bit different. In the evolution of how I’ve been working as a consultant. Yeah. Okay. So that’s super helpful because I think a lot of times at least when I was working with a consultant, I had an adolescent, which is a completely different situation, but I absolutely could not let him know that we were talking to anybody mostly from a safety stand.
Like we were very worried for his safety. So I just like that because I think people need to know that they have agency over. What’s happening with their life. Mm-hmm and so it feels to me to be very respectful. Now, in a perfect world, everybody would just be like, oh yes, I’ll hop on the phone with Joanna and I’ll talk to her.
Which I know is not the case, but Nope. However, offering it, and maybe, and you probably see this, maybe they come back a year later and it’s like, oh. Mm-hmm. Okay. So, yep. It just feels respectful to me if you’re 18 and over and I know a lot of parents, like when my son was 18, I was like, [00:11:00] eh, he’s actually more like 16, you know?
But in chronological and legal age, they do have control and so I think having a conversation with you even to just, for them to hear like this, the spectrum of options that are out there, because like we are in the industry, we know all these different programs and these people and it’s amazing.
But if you’ve been in, let’s say, high school and you know every from what I learned, people who are really struggling with mental health and substance use and all that, their world is very small, right? Mm-hmm. It might be just their bedroom, so they don’t know, what Yeah is out there and if you hear you need to go to treatment, my mind goes to like a movie where I see some horrible, you know, hospital.
Yeah, like antiseptic place and I’m like, no, I’m not going there. Yeah. So [00:12:00] that, do you find that, like do young people have a misperception about what help looks like? Oh, absolutely and a lot of it is driven by, you know, pop culture or what they can find in terms of like any type of media online and then sometimes if they’ve had previous experience, I think that also drives it like, Hey, I’ve got fear of repeating what’s been done before because what was done before it didn’t work for me.
So they’re coming from that point of reference. I’m literally, I show up on those initial calls and I’m just like, I just wanna get to know you. Like, I don’t even want to like come across as like, I’m selling myself. I want you to hire me. This is literally like human to human. Like, what do you feel like you need?
You’re an adult, right? Like, this is your opportunity to have agency and your perspective is gonna be different than your parents. It’s probably also gonna be different than what maybe your outpatient team, if you have an outpatient team, is recommending. But I wanna make sure that you understand that like your [00:13:00] voice matters and I just want, I’m curious in this moment, what you think you need.
And so then to be able to hear them talk through that. Then I’ll ask, and this is again, like I’m seeking consent. Do you want me to kind of just talk to you about some types of programs or experiences or resources that other young adult clients that I’ve worked with have looked into? And again, it’s just, you’re, is there a
window of opportunity. Is there an opening? Is there a willingness, is there a curiosity? Like all of that is also just a data point for me of is this young adult going to be, you know, contemplative around wanting something in their life to change? And if there is an openness in that like in that regard, then that’s where I can kind of step in because I’m the neutral party, right?
I don’t work for any of these programs. I don’t have the emotional history or like, you know, contentiousness that exists between a parent and a child. I don’t care if you’re 28 or if you’re 18. A parent [00:14:00] child dynamic is always going to be a parent, when there’s heightened emotions. We’re still talking about a parent child, so I get to be this person that just shows up and says, look,
like, no skin off my back like, what’s going on? Let’s talk about it. Like what do you want? And then, you know, again, because I have no agenda of you know, pursuing a certain type of treatment path or level of care or location like I have none of that. Right? I’m starting from like scratch, where do we go from the beginning?
Right, and how do they respond when you approach it that way? Typically, obviously everybody responds differently, but when they can sense that you don’t have an agenda, what do you typically hear from them? I’m like reliving even some of the most recent like, inquiry conversations that I’ve had with young adults.
There’s actually a sense of relief, like whether it’s more like audible or just noticeable, like, oh, you really aren’t a threat. Right? I think that [00:15:00] sometimes there’s a perception of that for like, oh, you consultant’s gonna have an agenda. Like, nope, I have none. I’m just curious. I wanna get to know you and then going through the conversation, there’s always a point where I’m kind of asking like, do you see the value in working with somebody? Obviously it’s a directed question and it is self-serving for me because I’m just really trying to gauge do they see the value in having a neutral party kind of help them figure out whatever it is that they wanna do, and for the most part they’ll say yes.
And so I’m like, great. You know that I exist or people like me exist. So if you’re ever at that point of like, Hey, I’m ready to actually take action, then circle back and I’ll have, occasionally I’ll have the young adult that’s like, I’m gonna fill out this intake form today. Like, let’s get on it or like you said, sometimes I’ll have other young adults where it’s like, yeah, I know that you’re like, you exist, and I could see how you’d be helpful. But I’m gonna try this thing that I’m doing on my own for the next few months, and I’m gonna see if that works [00:16:00] out and if it doesn’t, then I’ll circle back and it’s like, great, cool. Right? When I get the young adult that won’t even
show up for that initial inquiry conversation with me. I’m like, okay, yeah, there is more work that the parents need support with and with that support then there might be an opportunity in the future for the young adult to show up with me but again, I’m gonna show up the same way, right? Whether or not I know you’ve been resistant to meeting with me or
whether or not you were completely, yeah, let’s do it. Let’s hop on. No problem from the jump. Yeah. I wonder if that’s, do you think that’s like a stages of change thing that those ones that are, you know, like, thanks, but no thanks. Are they pre-contemplative, do you think? Or what’s going on there? It’s either pre, it’s either pre-contemplation or it is a real disconnect between and this is actually kind of, again, it’s anecdotal, but it’s common what I see where a young adult parents are reporting the young [00:17:00] adult is actually rather, I don’t wanna say aggressive, but like very directive to parents. I just need you to support me. But it’s like, it’s almost like they’re not speaking the same language because the parents are like, I thought I was supporting you.
I don’t understand what’s going on. Like, you know, so there’s almost like this, you know, stalemate type situation where the young adult is coming across as like, you know, kind of on the yeah, on the assertive front, and parents are really feeling worried and fearful and concerned and all the things, but they can’t even get the young adult to show up on a call with me. In that situation, that person is not in pre-contemplation. They’re aware that there’s something going on, but they’re not able to clearly articulate to their parents. What their quote unquote support that they need to receive, what that looks like. Right. Which isn’t surprising because it’s not like anybody teaches this in school.
Like if you ever have [00:18:00] this. You know, if you’re feeling extreme anxiety or depression or whatever, then here are the things that are available to you. It’s just, it feels like a big black hole. Yeah. And so I just commend you for the time It must take sometimes with a young person, A, to earn trust. I don’t have an agenda.
I’m just here to be a resource, and then to really be able to dial in with them to understand. What they may be tolerate, be able to tolerate versus Yeah, what may just really scare them off because I would, I can imagine that there, some of them, not the ones who are like, yeah, let’s go with this. Some of them might be like that, you know, I imagine like an animal approaching a cage, you know, like where there’s meat in the thing, but they can see like this is actually a trap and they don’t wanna get stuck in the trap.
Yeah. Yeah. ’cause it’s scary, especially you know, I think if they’ve had some treatment experience in the past and it didn’t [00:19:00] go well, we see this a lot in our community as parents will say, well, when she was 15 she went to this thing and it was terrible and it was a terrible fit. And there was, she got totally traumatized there and now she’s 18 and there is no way she’s gonna even talk about treatment,
’cause she had such a bad experience. Do you see that as well? Yeah. I mean, I am like preparing myself for a very different type of conversation where I’m almost like o overly reassuring with I have no agenda and young adult transitions are different and I’m not asking you to inherently trust me
that will take time. No wonder you are like hesitant. I totally understand where you’re coming from. So there’s just like a lot of, again, a lot of rapport building. I cannot, I just I don’t expect anybody to immediately trust me and if I know you have had any type of treatment experience, honestly, [00:20:00] adolescence is, there’s a little bit more of that frustration if it was traumatic because it felt like there was a level of control that was out of their hands.
Mm-hmm. And so to be able to articulate how it looks different in the young adult space, but also being really clear of like, in young adult programs, there are still rules, right? There is still structure, there are expectations, there may be phases and let’s talk about like what questions you need to ask on the front end as you’re exploring some of these, you know, programs or resources or communities, whatever you wanna name it as to make sure you have all the information
ahead of time before you make a decision and then I just reinforce this at the end. I can’t make you do anything, right? Like as a consultant, literally my job is the guide and a part of that looks like not just presenting resources, it’s also helping kind of through the interview and selection decision making process, which
honestly comes with a lot of a lot more touch points for debriefing. All right now [00:21:00] you’ve had these initial calls, right? What are you thinking? Like, I know your parents are eager to talk to you about it, but I also know you’re gonna have a very different conversation with your parents in a debrief process
versus me, right? Because again, no emotional history. I’m not interested in any type of timeline where I’m literally coming at this from a place of just like wondering what your takeaways were from those conversations and then if there’s concern, then we talk through that, okay, you heard this one thing, should we go back to the program and ask them to clarify or that you know, that mentor or the therapist or whatever, or do you think you can get by that and what’s the next step?
Did you ask to speak with an alumni? Are you planning to visit? When are those things gonna take place? Because that’s also a part, and especially that those fields, those feel like extra steps, right? That need to be taken nowadays because the information that’s available online is quite a mixed bag and it’s either terrifying,
mm-hmm or it’s like, you know, five star glowing this place [00:22:00] saved my life and what we all need is a balance. Yeah. Okay what’s this really gonna be like? Yeah and so the only way that you can do that is not just by a video call or a phone call with an admissions point of contact for the program. ’cause they’re very clearly gonna be excited to tell you about their program and like paint the picture that you’re a fit
but it’s up to you to do the due diligence of kind of vetting what makes sense for you. Yes. So just kind of logistically from a process standpoint, if a young person’s talking with you and they’re like, yeah, I would go the next step, like I would explore a couple of things, then you mm-hmm do your job and your research and all of that and connect with your folks.
You give them a couple of options. Do they then contact the program and talk to them directly, and you’re not in the picture. It depends on the client. So I will say just like a quick sidebar, I don’t share resources with the young adults without the parents’ [00:23:00] eyes on for approval. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, they’re the ones that are really supporting Yeah
what’s being presented but I tell parents like, I’m sharing this with you because I just need you to say. Yes, we’re fully supportive of any of these resources, should our young adult pick them. Okay. ’cause the last thing that I want is either parents to pick for them. ’cause then that doesn’t feel like choice or for parents to avoid this
and then the young adult is driving it. They make a selection and then parents go, whoa, whoa that’s the one place, or one thing that I wished you didn’t pick. And it’s just, I’m pushing this like independence agency, like really hard in the process. So when a young adult is looking at interviewing the resources, this is where I start to say, do you want me to be on the Zoom calls with you?
Or do we need to schedule a zoom call right after? So I’m really again, trying to gauge with the young adult, what is it that you feel like you need? And I’m also gonna help to make sure that these things are actually happening, right? So we are moving [00:24:00] forward, but I also wanna give you the space to like, do this how you wanna do it.
Right. Okay. That’s helpful just from a, like how does it actually work standpoint. So two things that I kinda wanna dig into and you can choose which one we go to first. It makes sense. One is what kinds of treatment are young people really kind of leaning into these days? I know there are so many different kinds.
What’s sort of resonating? And then also wanting to give parents some guidance on how to start to introduce a consultant, the idea of a consultant, the idea of maybe getting some help. Which one would, which door would you like to go through first? Joanna. I feel like the first question is gonna be a little bit easier for me to answer quickly.
Okay. So honestly, it runs the gamut, but I will say just kind of like what I’m seeing more of is individual experiences, if that’s an option. [00:25:00] So like an intensive, a personal intensive, whether it’s for trauma or whether it’s just for like change being action oriented and like setting a quick routine.
I also see young adults that are already coming to me feeling like they very much have a particular treatment modality that they need to focus on. So they’re saying, Hey, I need this, go find that for me, that checks that box. Interesting or the last thing that I’ll say is, again, and from the young adult space is just having some sense of autonomy within a treatment structure.
Okay. So having awareness of what is the tech policy, what is the policy of me dating, what’s the policy of me being able to up to sign for, you know, sign up for classes or to be able to get a job. They’re really trying to look at what’s in my control and then how quickly can I do life while in some sort of supportive environment.
Right. That makes sense and it’s so cool that there are programs where they can do that. Obviously it depends [00:26:00] on what the person’s dealing with, cause there may be situations where they can’t do any of those. But I would think if I was hearing that, I would be like, wait, I could get a job at some point or I can have my phone or I could, you know, those are things that Yeah, because
that’s their life, especially the phone and I know that’s a big parents, you know, we hear that a lot. Oh, but my kid just went into this program and they’re gonna get their phone in 30 days and it’s like, okay, well they’re, they know what they’re doing. There’s a reason why that is. But yeah. Yeah. That’s huge.
Okay. So that’s really, that’s interesting and you know, just for the parents listening I would encourage you to really get curious about what kinds of different programs are out there, everything like Joanna was saying, from a working with a mentor to a day program to a wilderness thing, adventure, surf, you know, yoga.
I mean, there’s everything now, but you gotta know what you’re getting. You also gotta know, [00:27:00] this is why we say work with a consultant because just, you know, shipping your kid off to somewhere where they’re gonna do yoga for three hours a day. Might not be what they need. It might be what they need, but it might not be what they need.
Yeah. So. Yep. Okay. So that’s good to know, now if parents like, this sounds really great, I would love to have my 19 and a half year old tHC addicted, high anxiety kiddo who never finished high school talk with a consultant and do all this. First of all, you, I’m just gonna plug Hope Stream. ’cause that’s, we teach, we teach that, we teach you how to start having those conversations.
But if you are in more of a like, okay, I gotta do something now, what are some things that have you have found successful that parents could do to sort of pitch this idea to their kids? Yeah I actually, I get asked this question almost every single inquiry at the end of the conversation, parents [00:28:00] will say, so just from, you know, can you give us some advice?
How do we introduce the idea of having our young adult meet you? And I tell parents almost verbatim, you know, your child best. So I’m gonna start with that on what they’ll be receptive to and what will immediately be something that they will shut down, right? So think through that first, and then if there is a way to say, Hey, you know what
and again, this is gonna sound like super ambiguous, so I’m gonna defer every parent like you just said, Brenda, like Hope Stream is like we’re the start of like building up the confidence as a parent to be able to entertain this conversation or set the stage of, Hey, we’re done helping you like it’s not working out for us to try.
So we need you to work with somebody. We’re fine with you picking, you know, a person, but you’ve gotta work with someone. Yeah. ’cause we just don’t wanna be involved in this process. So I’ll tell [00:29:00] parents, I’ll just say tell ’em like, Hey, you know, this consultant who works with young adults and she’d be happy to meet with you, but like is totally open-ended and how she provides support.
Again, it’s like super vague, but then I tell parents too, like if your young adult is the type that like wants to Google somebody, look at my website, right? My website is super transparent and chockfull of information and for other consultants, there’s obviously a spectrum of how that shows up for them, but it’s it’s a, a window, right?
It’s like window shopping. Is this somebody that even like from a picture perspective, is somebody I’d be willing to meet with? And then I tell parents, if you can even just get them on a video call with me, then it’s the ball’s in my court to be relational. Mm-hmm. And show up exactly, like consistently with how the information that’s online, presents in real time and so again, that place of like just building rapport and getting them to a place of kind of [00:30:00] identifying whether or not they feel like there’s something in their life that they wanna change, then that’s a door opening for me to, let’s explore this process of what could exist and it could be as simple as, let’s just find you a mentor, find you a coach nearby, and see if that helps them move the needle
and if it doesn’t, what else could we be looking at? But again, I’m coming at this with this I’m not overly excited and I’m not like laissez-faire. It is like I’m just, I’m showing up. I am curious, I’m present. I care, but I’m also going to be at the same pace as you as a young adult. So I say all this and it’s like for parents, have them look at a website, set a clear boundary of like, we’d like you to meet with somebody, but here are, we’ve got two people that we’ve actually like connected with and we think maybe you might like one of them, but we want you to interview who it is that
you know, you might work with. Mm-hmm. Again, I’m gonna defer to the parent on the languaging that they’re using, on how and why they’re presenting it in the first place on [00:31:00] what’s the situation. ’cause if it’s really urgent, like what I’m describing feels like a little bit slower of an onboarding process
whereas if things are moving quite quickly and there’s a need for, like we need to do something sooner. This may not be the right approach. Right. Right. Yeah, I think that’s a really good note to make. I would put an asterisk here and like highlight it. Start before you think you need to start, because yeah, it may take some time for your young person to warm up to the idea of talking to somebody,
so again, like I was saying, we are seeing parents come in with their kids are much more acute. Don’t wait like if you have that little feeling in your gut, like, oh, what we’ve been doing isn’t working and whatever. Start introducing this earlier than you think you need to because the last thing you wanna do is have it turn into a crisis where, oh my gosh, we need to get this person somewhere in 48 [00:32:00] hours.
And then you’re picking up the phone and calling Joanna, like, that’s not the time to call. The call time to call was two months earlier when they got the DUI and they said they were never gonna drink again and you believed them and it didn’t happen that way. So I would just really urge people like start before you think you need to, you’re never gonna be sorry if you do that. You’re really not. The other thing that I think what I really liked, what I was sort of hearing was giving that agency and saying, listen, this is you driving this process. This is you interviewing the person to find out who do you want to work with? Not like, yeah, this is the person you have to work with and so being able for them to have that choice to say, oh, I talked to these two people. This one I kind of gravitated to more and not having that emotional attachment. I think that is something you can’t overstate either, because we can’t help it as parents, we are [00:33:00] just wired to be neurotically crazy when it comes to our kids.
We just are, and thank goodness we are right because they need us to be. However, in a situation like this, we are usually not the best person. We can’t play that role because we don’t have that neutrality that you have to be able to say, huh. You know, you don’t know the 19 years of history and you weren’t there the day the kid was born and the first steps they took.
And we have all of that memory, you know, on our back and like, oh, but he or she did the and oh, but, oh, but, oh, but, and so. Super important part of that. I think the Switzerland aspect is really, really important for that, for them to just feel like they really are in control. Yeah. And having that choice.
That’s part of what we teach in the invitation to change, is give them a choice. It’s like when they were three and you [00:34:00] said, do you want the red raincoat or the blue raincoat? You’re wearing a raincoat, but you get to choose which one and Exactly. Yeah. Just that’s huge. Yep. Yeah, and that’s, that is actually
exactly the situation. As a parent, if you know that you’re like, we’re at a position where we need to hire somebody to help us, like navigate this process, then you do your due diligence to identify who would you feel comfortable working with on the parent side of things. Mm-hmm. And then who would you,
who would you trust to be able to work with your young adult? Should your young adult choose to work with that person? So I think that having that kind of structure of like, you do have to work with someone, but you have the choice of picking who it is that you’re gonna work with, that’s where the interview process comes in.
If it is like, we’re not at that point of like holding that boundary of you have to work with someone, but we’re like really early on in this stage where there’s this like pre-contemplation, but we’re like almost into contemplation. You know, but we’re also not in [00:35:00] crisis. That’s where I think the idea too of like, you don’t have to say you have to work with someone, but it is, Hey, there are people that exist.
Why don’t you meet with somebody and see if it might be worth kind of exploring. So it feels like, again, we’re more proactive in the process and not waiting until it’s kind of in that urgent or crisis state. Yeah. That’s not where you wanna be when you’re starting to pull your resources together, because they may not be able to
play a part in the decision making, and ideally they do just for the buy-in down the road, right? Like if they have picked the place they’ve talked to, two or three, they pick the place then a month, and I’m sure you get these calls, we see it a lot, you know, within the first three weeks. It’s the wrong place.
I hate it here, they’re terrible. You know, the whole nine yards, which isn’t totally normal but the great thing is if they have picked the place, you can say, gosh, yeah, I know it’s really hard. That was a big decision you made to go there and it’s better than you because otherwise you’re [00:36:00] gonna become the bad guy.
Right? Like, you’ve sent me to this place, I can’t believe you, you picked this place. Yep, exactly. Yeah, actually, so it’s funny you say that, and I’ll just like throw this in there. Because I’ve built this rapport with my clients, I’ll actually tell ’em, Hey, now that you’re there, I’m gonna, let’s schedule a call about three weeks in because I want you to give me like real time beta again.
Now you’ve been with this program, you can give me like the full like expose of what’s it like to actually enroll here? Was it as expected? Did you have any surprises? How did you work through them? Is there something that continues to be more of a like pain point for you? Let’s talk about it, but three weeks is enough time for somebody to say, can I tolerate this?
Or is this really, really, really not a fit? But because I also like front load that like, Hey, we’re gonna do this. I’m gonna reach out to you. Expect that from me. It also just really sets the stage of like, I’m still here. Remember me, like I’m the one that helped guide you through this. Right and I actually care [00:37:00] to reconnect to make sure that you feel like this was the best choice for yourself.
That’s awesome. Yeah and it gives them enough time to really settle in because week one, well, depending on what they’re dealing with, obviously. So week three is a really good time to do that and I think it’s really necessary because oof, I mean, you probably see this too. I think there are kids that, when I say kids, young adults who, you know, may just be really uncomfortable.
It’s a great program. It’s a great fit. If they’re having to deal with the stuff that they need to deal with, and that’s a different scenario than, ooh, this really is not a good fit for these reasons. Yeah. And as parents, we, I don’t know that I am really qualified to know if my kid is, we always hear, trying to manipulate me into mm-hmm
leaving the program. Whereas you, because you know the program, you know the people, you know how they work things. I, yeah. I think [00:38:00] someone like you has a better ability to make a better assessment of that. To say, okay, I know X, Y, and Z. This doesn’t feel like manipulation. This feels like maybe it’s truly not a good fit, versus, yeah, you know what?
It’s a great fit and they’re doing the work they need to do, and it’s highly uncomfortable. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I wanna avoid that as much as possible. Yeah. So that’s like a part of the process that I have, so, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. I mean, so many questions. I think this is just such a hot topic because it’s, you know, I remember going through it and just thinking, just dreaming almost of oh my gosh, if I could just get my kid to go get some help and you want it so badly for them and you want it to be the right one, you want it to be the right fit and it just weighs so heavy on your heart as a parent, especially if they’ve had other treatment in the past, whether it went well or didn’t go well, you know, kind of, [00:39:00] it’s just such a heavy load
and to have somebody who’s on your team doing this work for you, because I remember, well, I barely remember some of those days and months like your brain is not really functioning that well as the parent and so I always, you know when people say, oh, isn’t consultant worth the money? I’m like, well, I wouldn’t wanna make the decision such an important decision as where my child’s gonna go on no sleep,
barely any food, my brain’s half dead. I’m in panic mode. I have huge anxiety. My husband and I are fighting. Like, that’s not when I am gonna make my best decision. Yeah. So, yeah, it’s just among all the other reasons I think you have to look at like. If I was gonna hire you, would I wanna know that you hadn’t slept in, you know, a year, you hadn’t had a good meal in a year.
You were [00:40:00] full of anxiety, full of panic. You know, I wouldn’t want you making the decision for my child if that’s how you were. So why am I letting myself do that? Yeah, like that doesn’t make any sense. And I know it’s exactly, I know it’s not an option for everybody, but I do think if you’re looking at your choices of, especially with a young adult where they do get to make the call.
Yeah, to have somebody really seasoned to say, this is how this can go and it may take a little longer. It probably will take a little longer than you want it to take, which is why I will go back and rewind to what I said maybe five minutes ago about start before you think you need to. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you so much.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you really wanna make sure parents hear? As they’re navigating this crazy situation, I don’t think so, other than I’ll do the plug again. I think you know, if you’re not connected to Hope Stream, like be connected to a parent support [00:41:00] community because that’s, that often is one of the first things that I’m asking during an inquiry call with parents is like, who are you connected to?
Yeah. Because if, even if they’re like initially trying to decide whether or not they need me, sometimes they don’t and I can see that actually it doesn’t sound like your young adult even needs treatment, but it could be beneficial for you just to be connected to other parents and have connections through that channel to either get therapy or have coaching or just be educated on how to parent a young adult differently.
So I say all that and obviously like that is irrelevant if you’ve got a young adult with really significant mental health or substance use or all of the above kind of a deal. So, anyways. That’s what I would say. Awesome. Well, I would agree. I think there’s so much power and the thing that you said actually very early on, I was gonna go back to this, is to give the parents the confidence that it takes to start having this conversation.
And I love that you said that because I think people overlook that. It’s like, well, I have to have all my spreadsheets and I have [00:42:00] to have all my resources, and then I have to, you know, read this book and listen to this podcast. And what I see is the number one quality and a parent who can really successfully have this conversation with their kids is confidence and yeah, self-regulation.
So if you’re regulated, you’re not hysterical, you’re not crying, you’re not throwing things, screaming, you’re able to have a calm, collected conversation and you’re confident about it. That is what we see really having a lot of success in just cracking open the conversation about and your words were lovely.
If you want your life, what did you say? If you want life to look different, is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That’s so great. If you want life to look different. That sounds so much better than you need to go to detox and treatment. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And that’s the truth. That’s what you’re offering.
You’re offering them a way [00:43:00] for their life to look different, which is just beautiful. So parents steal those words. Yeah, definitely steal those words. I may have somebody that you could talk to that could help you make life look different. There you go. I love it. We’re gonna trademark that. Lily Consulting trademark.
Well, thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful. I think it’s gonna encourage some parents to hopefully give them that boost of confidence to start having the conversation early, know that there are choices, know that you can bring in a neutral person who doesn’t have your emotional tie to this kiddo.
Mm-hmm. Who really, really, really does probably need somebody to help them make some choices. Yeah. Thank, thanks for having me. Thank you.