Mothering in the Age of Opioid Addiction: Author, A House on Stilts, Paula Becker

Brenda
Hello friends. This week’s episode is one that I have been waiting to release because it was recorded March 5th and that was just as Washington state was starting to go into lockdown mode with coronavirus. And you know, since then things have been really crazy and unsettled and I didn’t want this special episode to get lost sort of in the chaos that was going on. But I feel like we’re mostly in our new routines now, even though they’re, they’re not normal, but they’re, they’re new and they’re beginning to be routine. And so I felt like it was a good time to share this really important conversation with a massively talented author. Paula Becker. Paula is the author of A House on Stilts: Mothering in the Age of Opioid Addiction. Her son Hunter was raised in a safe nurturing home by herself, a writer and historian and his physician father.
He was a bright, curious child and yet addiction found him as it does for many for Hunter. His drug addiction led to a life of demoralization, homelessness, and constant peril. This book is an intensely personal account of trauma and survival, and it offers a timely exploration of a family that’s forced to grapple with America’s opioid crisis. I am incredibly honored to be speaking today with author and mom, Paula Becker, and I want to apologize in advance for the somewhat rough audio quality on this. We had some technical difficulties and neither one of us are very equipped in that department. So we ended up recording this just on the phone and you can tell slightly that the audio quality is not the greatest, however, it’s still very, very listener. So just letting you know that in advance.
Hello. Thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast, I really appreciate the time and look forward to everything that we have to talk about. 
Paula
Thank you, Brenda. Thanks for asking me to talk with you. 
Brenda
Yeah, so this is so exciting, your book coming out and I think, you know, as somebody who, who read it, who’s been in a similar situation, it was very, very, it was everything. It was challenging and it was exciting and it was reassuring and it was horrifying, kind of all at the same time. So I’d love to just kind of learn a little bit more about how you decided to actually write it and you know, was it something that you were thinking about when you were going through everything with your son or how did that come about? 
(00:03:52):
Paula
Well, you know, it’s interesting because I am a writer and I have other books and mostly I write about history, about Washington history. So writing is a very natural thing for me, but that’s like, that’s my job and I don’t tend to be someone who like, I don’t journal, so I wasn’t writing kind of for relief as we were going through the experiences of, of Hunters, teenage years. But at a certain point, I, I had this like little chunk of time when Lily, our youngest was taking driver’s ed and I had to drop her off at a certain time and pick her up two hours later. And that was that. And I had that like four days or five days a week for a month in the summer. And that’s not the kind of time that I can use to do the kind of writing I usually do because like I’m in library archives and I’m, you know, I’m writing history.
(00:04:47):
Everything has a million foot notes and you just can’t drop it, pick it up and drop it like that. And I thought to myself at this point, we had been going through Hunter’s really strongly rebellious teenage years and then eventual drug addiction and several, three different stunts in rehab. We had been going through this by that point for seven years, six years and at the, this time Lily was taking drivers out. Hunter was living on the streets in Portland, in the areas around Portland. And so I thought to myself, okay, I’m, this has been like a fire hose shooting water at our family for years now. And all I wanted to do is try to figure out what order things happened in. So I didn’t say to myself, I’m writing a book. I didn’t say, I certainly didn’t say, Oh, I’m going to publish this.
(00:05:44):
I was like, what order did things happen? And so Barry, I didn’t tell him, I’m very, my husband, Oh, I’m writing something. I was, I just said, can you please help me get together some kind of a timeline? Like when did this thing happen? When was that interaction with the police when, you know, I knew the big things, rehab and stuff, but like all the little millions of tiny things that had happened. So I had that and I just started putting narrative onto that kind of, you know, skeleton of timeline. And by the time I only finished driver’s ed, I had a very, very rough, very angry first draft. So I, I showed it to Barry at that point and he was kind of amazed and just shocked and felt like I had gotten a lot of stuff down that, that, you know, was at least important for him and me to have in order.
(00:06:52):
And I thought to myself, I had done a lot of thinking about memoir and about whose, whose story is the story of a person or a family. And I had written well I hadn’t by that time written it, but I had written a lot about Betty MacDonald who is the Northwest writer who wrote autobiography. Eventually she was the subject of my third book, which was a biography. So I had really thought a whole bunch about, about what it means to write them more. And I knew that what I was writing in this, this story this, this thing I had constructed was, was my story. It was not Hunter’s version of his story. It wasn’t Barry or Lilly or Sawyer’s version. It was my version. And I knew that I, I owned it and if I decided I wanted to publish it, that I had every right to do that the same time.
(00:07:44):
I’m glad I didn’t at that point because many things were still in play. And around the time that I was mulling this over and thinking, well, do I need to do, I want to do a deep dive into this and really try to turn this into a book because as anyone knows, first draft is a really long way from a finished book. Hunter actually got himself back together. He came back to Seattle and I decided to set this project aside. I always said to myself over the next, gosh, by that time it would have been four more years. I thought to myself, well, you know, if Hunter ever says, cause he knew that I had written this kind of, you know, draft of a book that had to do with our family. I thought if he ever says to me, Oh, you’re so right mom, you know, other parents need a hand to hold and yes you should publish this book, then I would publish it.
(00:08:41):
I couldn’t quite see that happening. But that was sort of, I thought, okay, that happens. I’ll do it. And I also thought to myself, if Hunter dies, I will come back to this and I will try to turn this into a book. Because when you have a person in your life who is addicted to something that could kill them eventually as a parent, whether you want, you know, you don’t want to have this happen and you don’t want it to be a reality, but it is a reality that your person could die. And I had gotten to the point by that time where I was able to sit with that as best I could. And so that’s why I had that thought that I would, I would go back if that ever happened when Hunter was killed in the summer of 2017, a few months after that I turned back to the book and that’s when I started going at it in earnest.
(00:09:34):
Brenda
Hmm. That must have been such a strange process. You know, and especially from, you know, you, you have written so many other books that from a process standpoint, this must’ve just felt really different than doing history at from, you know, going, doing all your research in libraries. Cause this was your own kind of library.
(00:09:58):
Paula
Yes, I had lived experience. You know, it’s interesting. Of course it was very different. Any book that you’re, any project that you care enough deeply to write a book about, you end up getting very immersed in it. And so the process of writing a house on stilts was immersive, but it was in a much more personal way. And obviously I felt not only that I wanted to be rigorously brutally open with my own feelings about it, but that I wanted to do Hunter justice and I that meant wanting him to show up as the full funny, you know, intelligent, wry person that he was. And you know, the addiction was absolutely a part of this life, but it did not define who he was as a human being. And, and I worked a lot to bring that to the book even though I was telling, you know, my version of his story of how, how, how difficult those years had been.
(00:11:01):
Brenda
Yeah, that’s true. You, you get to a point where people around you kind of think that that’s all they are because, you know, it can be years and years at this kind of erratic and chaotic behavior and lifestyle and they are so much more than that.
(00:11:16):
Paula
Yeah. It does a real disservice to, you know, to people who are struggling with addiction, whether they’re young people or not to, you know, take a sort of, you know, blanket idea that their addiction defines them. I think that’s part of what triggers so much shame and remorse in the person is this idea that that’s all they get to be, you know, is, is this in society’s eyes. And, and I just think that that’s that’s cruel and as much as I can come to talking about addiction and especially how it impacts families of young people. Which is sort of what I think is my mission right now going forward is to, is to talk about families as you know, collateral damage and all of this I really, really want to say again and again that everybody, all of us need to be coming at this issue with a lot of compassion, lots and lots of compassion for ourselves and for other people.
(00:12:27):
Brenda
Yeah, absolutely. And as moms, I think we tend to, we have to really work at that. At least I do. I know to not be so hard on myself and play the blame game and the guilt game and the wondering if I had done this or if I had done that. It’s, it’s kind of hard not to go there sometimes.
(00:12:45):
Paula
It is hard and I think it’s natural to, I mean I find myself even still, you know, even you know, after everything we went through and now two and a half more than two and a half years after Hunter’s death, I will sometimes find myself thinking, well, but what if, what if, if only, and I try to hold sort of two tracks in my mind. One is it’s okay to ask those questions, you know, if I’m not beating myself up about it. And the other thing I try to do is that, you know, that meditation thing of, of just noticing that thought and kind of letting it pass. And I feel for me that that’s the healthiest way to look about it. I don’t want to say like, Oh, I did everything right and look how it didn’t turn out well after all that does, that’s not helpful. But to just notice, you know, we don’t know why all these things happen. We see we have a very strong impulse to create story for ourselves to explain it. But the truth of the matter as a lot of this stuff is not something we’re ever going to get an explanation for. And particularly why me, why my kid, that is not a question that you’re going to get successfully. Outsert in my opinion.
(00:14:01):
Brenda
Right? Yeah, no, that’ll just make you crazy. 
And it sucks energy from, from ways that you could be better showing up for yourself and the people you love.
(00:14:13):
So true. So the book is called A House on Stilts and you know, I’ve read the book so I know why that is, but I think it’s, it’s a really interesting part of the story. I’d love for you to talk a little bit about why you chose that for the title.
(00:14:30):
Paula
Sure, sure. So one is we live in a little 1920s kind of a cottage. When we raised the kids here and we moved in when Hunter was six years old and he was the oldest of three. He said, after a few years, Oh gosh, we need a tree house. And there was like this tiny little stick of an tree and Barry and I said, there’s not a tree to put a tree house in. And he said, well, how about a house on stilts? And he designed it. And so he and Barry built it and were really creative about getting a lot of salvage materials and it was this really wonderful space for the kids in the backyard. And they all played in it over the years. And then by the time Hunter was experiencing his first period of homelessness as a reduction you know, a result basically of his addiction to heroin.
(00:15:24):
This was our first period where we had told him, you know, you can’t live in the house. He had been to rehab and had, had relapsed and we had these two younger children and you know, we said, you can’t live here and do heroin. And so it’s very, very early for us in understanding what a child and adult child’s active addiction could be like and feel like. And he ended up sort of without asking, starting to stay in the house on stilts. And then eventually we realized that and said that was okay. And we got to the point where we were even like bringing up plates at dinner time and you know I would give him, take, go take him to the grocery store. And so it was this weird like third place and it, it was sort of dysfunctional but less terrifying than thinking where is he?
(00:16:21):
Like I knew he was back there most of the time at night anyway. And that lasted for almost three months. And then he, he ended up going into a detox and then out of bed and then not coming back there again when we made the decision that it had been too destabilizing. It actually had not helped him in, you know, that had helped us in some moments of being able to sleep a little better. But it’s just, it was one of the compromises that our family made. And this is the real thing about having a child an adult child with addiction is that, you know, families just struggle and struggle and struggle to do the thing that’s going to help without hurting more. And you know, that decision is different from each time. It can be different every single time.
(00:17:16):
There’s not the idea anymore that well, you know, I lay down this line and being a good parent means I’m always going to stick to that line. It’s not like, you know, if you don’t buckle your car seat, we’re not going to move the car. It’s so much more complicated than that. And I feel like Hunter’s period of living in the house on stilts was the beginning of our understanding of, of the ways we work in a half to you know, think an abroad way. If we were going to continue to have relationship with him, which we always wanted to do and which we succeeded in, you know, all the way through the end of his life. We, we were still in a family relationship with him and loving relationship. And even when times were very, very hard, he knew we loved him and we knew he loved us. And we were all very explicit about that.
(00:18:11):
Brenda
That’s so beautiful. Yeah, that’s, that’s a hard position to be in, to know that your child is living, you know, on the streets or, or wherever they can find a place. And so to have that little spot there where you could see if he was there or not, I can imagine was just comforting at a level, you know, to know that you knew at least where he was. And that’s that hard line between, and you talk about this a little bit too, and I think as parents, if we’ve been through this, we all struggle with this, is that difference between enabling and supporting and you know, are you enabling them? But it’s only because you knew your own sanity. You know, I don’t think there’s a, a true definition or a, a line that you can draw, but I can see how that was something that gave you the ability to put your head down at night and get some sleep. And you know, some people would call that enabling. I don’t know. I don’t, I think you can’t tell,
(00:19:13):
Paula
You know, it’s funny, Brenda, I at the time I very much struggled with the idea of, and I talk about it in the book, you know how to, how to help without enabling. And in the past few years as, especially as I have had you know, I don’t want to say the opportunity cause it’s a terrible opportunity, but as my reality has done that I have been reflecting over Hunter’s life and over our choices subsequent to his death. So without the threat of some other big thing, you know, blowing up or up a relapse or something like that, like that is no longer a possibility because Hunter is dead. And so that has given me a certain kind of mental permission to sort of think, think things through in a different way, kind of without bracing, if that makes any sense. And so one of the things that I’ve really decided is, is that I just kind of personally reject the idea of enabling. I think that, that parents often get that word is often used to shame parents who are just doing their best. And so that’s where I land on that one now. 
(00:20:30):
Brenda
No, and especially when it’s coming from somebody who hasn’t lived it, I think it’s, it’s easy to be objective if you are from the outside looking in. But if you’re the one whose kid is in the rain looking in the window starving, there’s, I don’t know how a human, a mother, when you’ve got that umbilical relationship to your child, I don’t know how you could you know, turn them away. So is the house on stilts still in your backyard?
(00:20:59):
Paula
You know, it’s not. So Hunter was killed June 29th of 2017 and it just so happened that Sawyer had moved back in the house and was living with us and Lily was home from her first year in college. So all four of us were here. And in the days subsequent to finding out that he had been killed and before we could, we could go down and claim his body. Cause it was a weekend in the funeral home was closed, which is insane, but very small town Oregon. I know it was hellacious. So during that period of time, Lily said, we had been thinking that we needed to tear down the house on stilts. It, it felt very toxic after Hunter had lived there. It felt sad and toxic and like it would never be a place that was, you know, to do with fun again.
(00:21:54):
And we had been storing things in the, and Lily looked out at it and she said, we need to tear down the house and stuff. And she’s very much a young woman of action. And she said, come on dad, let’s do it. And so they they, you know, even got some large equipment and they took everything apart. And then later in the summer Lily and Barry made that area where the house on stilts had been and to kind of have a terrace patio kind of thing and put a barbecue grill and laid stones. And it’s really lovely now. And you know, if you looked in the backyard and you had never seen the house on stilts there, you wouldn’t think, Oh, something’s missing. I look back there and I can see the ghost of it. It’s just, it will always be in that yard for me.
(00:22:39):
But I’m glad that we reclaimed it and I’m glad that you know, this, this house will have a long life even after we’re not here anymore. And, and we’ve, we’ve kind of, you know, made that into a different space to the room that Hunter lived in when he was in the house and where he was living in high school. He, you know, when he would sneak out of the house all the time is now my office. And in fact, I’m speaking to you from that room right now and I, I look around and I’m like, yeah, I remember like putting my hand up there on top of that heating vent and looking for hypodermic needles. Like how is it that that, you know, you know, space space has its own life and, and that’s true of this room and that’s true of the backyard.
(00:23:25):
Brenda
Wow. That has to be so powerful to be there and have those memories, but then now you know, doing what you’re doing. That’s really amazing. And I’m not an author, so I’ve never published a book. But as you mentioned, there’s, it’s a long way from a first draft to, you know, a published book. Is there anything that was edited out of book that you want to talk about or that you felt was something that you would’ve liked to have kept in? 
Paula
Yeah. Well, you know, it’s interesting cause you, when you work with an editor, I mean the final say is always sure she, you’ll never have an editor who says, you have to take this out. Unless I got to fewer, you know, somehow the press could be liable. I don’t know. I suppose there would be an instance, but not, not in something like this, but my, my editor at university of Iowa Press was really, really wonderful when I turned the manuscript in. It used to have had points in between almost every chapter because one of the things that I had done when I was going through all this agony was I would write poems and you know, I don’t consider myself a poet but that was, that was a way that I could vent, right.
(00:24:36):
And so I had poems and they, they were interspersed and I liked them. And other readers, a lot of readers said, Oh, I don’t usually like poetry, but I really liked those. And that really helped to like, you know, be this little lift in between the different chapters. And he felt very strongly that the poems slowed it down. There is one point that I left in and I’m glad that I did about – 
Brenda
was that the Runaway Bunny? 
Paula
Well, it’s about the angels. The Runaway Bunny. Yeah. That wasn’t that, that chapter. So there’s, for people who haven’t read the book yet, I will say that there is was something that happened kind of when Hunter was in high school, but that I put later in the book, which is that I was just distraught. We had been going through just terrible times with him.
(00:25:25):
I think he had been caught in the squat house with all these people who use drugs and you know, he was still really young and I was just distraught. But of course I was also trying to write this book. I was writing about the World’s Fair in Seattle. So I ended up buying somehow buying a copy of the Runaway Bunny cause I had been going through my head, the Rosemary Wells’ book and then I was supposed to be in the library doing research. But instead, I took this book out of my bag and started writing all over it and annotating it and turned it into sort of my version of Hunter being a runaway bunny. And I decided to keep that in the book. That was another thing that Jim, the editor thought should go. And I was like, Nope, this is, this is like a distillation of the book. So I kept it in and I was, I thought reviewers would say something about it. Nobody said something, but I’ve read it aloud once at a writer’s conference. And it got it got a pretty good reaction. So, you know. Yeah. Well I’m glad you kept it in. I’m glad you kept it in and for those of you who are listening. You, you will be, you’ll be very surprised. I think it’s the, just the rawness and the accuracy of that that particular writing, just incredible. Yeah.
(00:26:44):
Brenda
What do you think Hunter would think about the book if he could read it today?
(00:26:52):
Paula
I think Hunter well I think if Hunter, you know, was still alive. The book probably wouldn’t exist. And if he, if I had published it while he was living, I think he would be, you know, troubled that I had decided to do that. But given the fact that he, you know, I, of course I still talk, feel like I have community communication with him and I feel like he’s talks to me all the time and, you know, we get to do that. Right. But I feel very much that Hunter helped me to write this book and especially in the last because you know, he’s cleansed of all the things that pulled him down in his life. Right. You know, he doesn’t have to carry all that you know, that pain and that addiction anymore. And I felt like the really essential person that Hunter was, and he was a really good writer, especially when I was writing the very last draft. I could feel his presence, I could almost feel him next to me. And there would be times when I would be going reading through a word that I had, you know, had in the manuscript for years and I would hear, Nope, not that, Oh, that’s tweet. Oh, you know, different words. And I, it wasn’t coming from me. So I can say, you know, I, I’m, I’m a big believer in woo, if that helps you at that. And so there you have it.
(00:28:24):
Brenda
Yeah. Yeah. And what about Sawyer and Lilly? Have they read it and kind of what’s their thought on it?
(00:28:31):
Paula
Yeah. Well, so Sawyer and Lilly are both very, very supportive of me having written this book. I gave them, I gave them a draft and I at least insisted that they look every time that their name was mentioned. I gave them an electronic draft so they could go through it really fast if they wanted. And it, you know, if I mentioned their name, I want them to read the paragraph around and say, yeah, that’s fine with me. Cause I did not want to try to ever, ever put words in their mouth or try to explain how they felt about it. You know, they can write their own books. It’s their own story. And so they, they both said everything is fine and then swear I don’t believe he’s, he has read the book. Also Hunter’s best friend Alex who is just a dear person.
(00:29:21):
I also don’t think that he has read the book. I think it’s just too painful for a brother and a best friend. And you know, part of it is you, you love that young person and then things go so wrong and you can’t fix it. And it’s hard, I think for, for friends who really close, Lily did read it and she said she bought it when it was in galley. So before it came out, but after it was already all she may have met her, read a manuscript, but anyway, she said, Oh my gosh, mom, there’s so much stuff in here that I had no idea it was happening. And I was like, yes, that is great. That means that Barry and I succeeded in at least inserting ourselves between you and Sawyer and some of the hellacious stuff that was flying around.
(00:30:14):
I mean, of course they knew what was going on and we never kept any secrets at all. But there were times when, you know, it’s like I would say Hunter’s going to rehab and if they wanted the whole story, then they would ask or, you know, I would say, do you have any questions? Nope. So, you know, I mean, we dealt with that and they both said have opportunities, you know, for counseling. And sometimes I was taken up and sometimes not. So it wasn’t like we were like, had our fingers in our ears saying, LA, LA, LA, Sawyer and Lily, nothing’s happening. But I did feel that that was a victory that she hadn’t known. All of that stuff because she was six years younger than Hunter. So if he started, you know, kind of going down that path at age 15, she was nine and that’s all, that’s too much. It’s too much information for a child that young, if they can be spared,
(00:31:08):
Brenda
Well you shielded them from the worst of it. And, and that is, that is really amazing that she hadn’t known that because that means you, you were just absorbing it all. Is there, is there a part of the book that there’s just so much in there and the writing is so beautiful that I don’t know how you could pick, but is there a particular part of, of the book that is really especially meaningful to you or that you’d like to sort of share as a highlight with, with people who are listening,
(00:31:35):
Paula
You know all of the book was written, although not, not nearly as, I mean everything got really changed and you know, rewritten and better written and nicer written in kinder and after Hunter death. But of course the part that had not been written was the very brief part that, that you know, describes his last years and describes his death. And I feel like, I feel like that’s some of the best writing in the book. I feel like, you know, there was nothing between me and what I was trying to lay down. Like a lot of times when we’re writing about ourselves, we’re kind of, you know, constructing it in some ways or like we’re trying to create some kind of, you know, scene or narrative or you know, like show don’t tell. So you’re showing. But for that part it was like, I just felt like I was just spreading out, you know, hand of cards on the table or something.
(00:32:35):
It’s like, here, here’s what happened, here’s what it does, here’s how I feel and here is where I go. And so to me that’s, that’s some of the stuff that, and it’s, it’s, it’s the part of the book that I’d never read it readings, you know, I have the certain parts, I’ve done a lot, a lot of bookstore readings for this book, which has been great. And you know, I read the pretty much the same things that return and there are things that I can, you know, perform because this part that’s the intensity of grief about his stuff. Of course. I’m not going to read that aloud. I’ve, I read it, I voiced the book for Audible. So I read it when I voiced the book for Audible. And other than that, I haven’t read it in public. So
(00:33:24):
Yeah, there, there are certain places that it’s just hard to go and keep your composure.
Brenda
um, hmmm.
Yeah. You know, we talked about this a little bit before we were recording that it was just as I read it, it was very hard for me to read. I had to take it in small doses and in early in the morning. How did you take care of yourself when you were writing this? Cause I can imagine you are reflecting on so many painful memories. That was it, you know, was it something that you had to do in small batches or what was your sort of self care like?
(00:33:58):
Paula
Yeah, that’s a good question. I, I don’t separate out the writing of the book from the grieving process. Right. So I don’t think the book was making it any worse and I don’t think it was making it any better. I was really fortunate in, in, you know, in my initial bereavement that Barry and I very strongly held each other and supported each other, you know, and that he was very in favor of me writing the book. So it was like, this is what I’m doing. Great. I had lot of support from, you know, different, different kinds of yoga class and different kind of, you know, massage therapist and eventually a very, very good traumatic loss specialist through Virginia Mason. But I think you know, the, I felt like the book had to be written, like the book needed to be written because in the future it would have been written and I needed to do that and I just went about it, you know, like like any other writing project. I, I did what I could every day until it was time to stop. And then I picked it up again the next day. But you know, I mean, grief is, grief is really hard work and this was the work that I happened to be doing during my grief, but the book was not as much the work as the grief was the work during those years.
(00:35:25):
Brenda
Hmm. Grief is hard work. That’s said so well.
Paula
And, and PS and, and you will know how this feels. I think we had done lot of what I, you know, now now, is kind of anticipatory grieving, right during Hunter’s life because you’re terrified for the person and you are grieving the loss of the potential future that you think they could. You thought they were going for, you know, if they were going to go to college and they were, and you’re also grieving, like the loss of relationship. For me, I was grieving the loss of, of that little boy because I felt like I couldn’t hold onto my idea and my memories of that little boy when the young man he was becoming was so, so different. And I don’t know if that’s an issue that other mothers have. It was so different from having kids who just grew up and did well.
(00:36:23):
Like, I can still think of Lily at three and it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s like, Oh yeah. But when I was thinking of Hunter at three, it felt like knives being plunged into my, you know, chest, because I didn’t, you know, his reality at the present was so different. So because I had gone through so much grief weirdly it wasn’t, it didn’t prepare me for his death exactly. But it meant that grief was not an unfamiliar feeling. It’s very different when a person is dead, but, but grief was something, it was like, Oh yeah, I’ve worn that pair of shoes or some pair of shoes really a lot like it. And this doesn’t feel like all of a sudden, you know, I’m in a new situation that there’s something familiar about it. So
(00:37:15):
Brenda
I think that is very true just from, from my experience in going through, you know, not exactly the same as what you did. And obviously my son didn’t have the same ending, but there, there were so many years and even still, you know, to get a text message, we’ve, you know, I’ve had to say, give me the thumbs up emoji if you text me and say, Hey mama, can you talk? Because I think you’re, you know, you’re texting me from a hospital or jail or, so yeah. There is that anticipatory grief that’s a really good way to put it.
(00:37:46):
Paula
And PTSD too, like, right. You know, you’re describing the PTSD of, you know, having to live through those years. Yeah,
(00:37:56):
Brenda
Definitely. Yeah. And I think, you know, we happen oddly to live in the same city, very close to each other. And you know, I think for us there was not necessarily shame, but you know, we didn’t, I think look like the typical family that people think of when they think of opioid addiction or you know, any of that. And you know, I think you, you talked a little bit about this in the book that it’s just an equal opportunity disease and it doesn’t discriminate.
(00:38:28):
Paula
At least more people know that now. I mean, it’s terrible to say that because more people know it because the problem is just so enormous and has just mushroomed among the kinds of families that quote weren’t supposed to have a kid fall into addiction. Right. And what does that even mean? But the point is that the media has started paying attention to it, right? And so that means that society is being confronted with the fact that, Oh, they didn’t think they knew anybody, but in fact, you know, it was their secretary’s son, and it was their cousins, you know, daughter, whatever. It was the friend from the study group. That kid you took to soccer, that kid, not like some kid you don’t know or some kid that you walk past fast on the street. No, it’s, it’s that kid you love that kid you made peanut butter sandwiches for – it’s him.
(00:39:18):
Brenda
Yeah. And when you, you know, here in Seattle, we have such a problem, you know, with homelessness and it is really a drug problem. And you know, you pull off the freeway and you see a kid standing there with a cardboard sign and they’re a mess. And, and to me now I look at that and say, who son is that? You know, where, where’s, where’s the mom? Because I know she’s worried to death and I’m sure you must’ve experienced some of that as well.
(00:39:48):
Paula
Yes. Yeah. And you can, you know, I mean, you always have to use your best judgment, but, but it, it costs you nothing to look at that kid and smile or to say, What are you reading? There’s a kid who sits and reads on the median up actually at the Shoreline exit off of I-5, and I’ve said to him sometimes when I happened to be next to him, what are you reading? And he’ll be like, I’m reading blah, blah, blah. You know, and I mean there’s still a human, the human being, right. You know, I mean, you can, you can, you can do all kinds of things, you know, from carrying granola bars and sticking one out your window to having a conversation to saying, Hey, you know, I’m, I’m here for a minute. Do you want to call your mom and handing them the phone? I mean, you can do all kinds of things.
(00:40:37):
Brenda
I think people just don’t see that. They just are so distant from those people that are, that are there in living in a tent or on the side of the freeway. And so I love hearing you say that is that, you know, it doesn’t hurt at all. You can, you know, you can offer those things. And I, you know, I know with my son, there were times when people would be extremely mean to him. And he was like, Hey, I’m just, I’m just a kid struggling – I don’t want to live like this.
Paula
Right? No, nobody does, nobody does. 
Brenda
I know, I know.
Sort of thinking about the other parents that listened to this and who, you know, we know that the struggle of, is this just a teenage kind of phase, and it sounds like some of your first red flags were that, you know, shoplifting,
(00:41:34):
Not coming home, which sounds very familiar. Did you guys feel like, Oh, you know, maybe these are just typical teenage things that are going on and how do you think parents should think about those things? 
Paula
Yeah, I never took it like, you know, Oh, you know, just shoplifting. No big deal. I mean, I took everything really seriously, but what I kept thinking was this, this has never happened to me. This can’t exactly be happening to me. This has got to be an aberration. Hunter will self-correct. I know that he is a really reasonable person and a smart person. So this is going to get, this is going to pull itself together. And I think that that in retrospect, I mean that sometimes does happen. Maybe it happens for most people, but, but it didn’t happen for us. And so I like to think now I try not to give advice, but if people are, people do sometimes ask me, what would you have done differently?
(00:42:27):
And one of the things is I would have paid really good attention really early, really fast. And instead of saying hi, smell smoke and rolling over and saying probably, you know, somebody lit a candle, I would say call the fire department. You know, I mean, really I think I would react even more strongly and just try to intervene when he was younger. With like family therapy. I mean, he had a lot of therapy, but we didn’t do family therapy. And I now think, I now think that, you know, whatever the behaviors were coming from it, it became a family problem. Whether it had been a family problem and, but it became a family problem and we didn’t deal with that together in the therapeutic setting. And then that’s hard. You have to find the right person. I mean, none of this, like people used to say to me all the time, Oh, he needs a mentor, get him a mentor.
(00:43:26):
And I was like, where do you get one of those you know, he’s not eligible for big brothers and big sisters, you know, I mean, and where do I get them a mentor? How do I do that? 
Brenda
So, yeah, this, the solution seems so easy for everybody else when it’s not in your house. It’s just such a challenge. And I know that they’re, you know, you had some of those moments where you kind of, you talk about pushing your fears aside because there’s little glimmers and you do, you see these little glimmers of hope. And I was thinking, especially about the trip to France. So yeah, that must have just felt like such a blessing. Like it was amazing. It’s going to go to France with these great kids. 
Paula
Yeah. Yep. And he looked really happy when he got off the plane. It’s not, you know, at least in our experience, it wasn’t like, Oh, your foot slips and you are just rolling down the hill. It was like start, stop, start, stop. And always enough looking like things were normalizing to be like, Oh, thank goodness we were right that it was going to self-correct. Look, he’s self-correcting, you know, and then something else would happen.
(00:44:40):
Brenda
And I wonder if he was feeling the same. You know?
Paula
Maybe. I think, well, you know, it’s funny because one of the things that I had access to during writing the book was that I had some, a bunch of Hunter’s writings that he had stored here, like things from high school, nothing recent in recent years of course, because he hadn’t lived with us for years, but like his papers from high school and the journal that he kept an outward bound in the journal. He kept was required to keep at his first rehab. Those things ended up in storage bins in the house on stilts and then got moved to the garage and then got moved into my office. And so when I was reading, working on the book, I read, I read that stuff and it was really moving. It was really meaningful and I could tell that, especially once he, you know, addiction was what we were talking about, you know, it was, he was working and really trying to, you know, to get on top of that but, as he recalled his high school years.
(00:45:46):
He was, it was kinda like he met this group of kids that you know, said, Hey, let’s just jump off the highest cliff and see what happens. And he was like, okay, let’s go. And he had a really great risk taking time with them as a young person. And that was part of why we could not pull him back because he had gone from being very firmly attached to our family, to being seemingly just as firmly attached to these kids who were, I’m sure, perfectly nice kids, but up to no good and collectively up to no good was just like an external thing for the kind of trouble they could get into. And they did.
Brenda
Yeah. It’s amazing how the friend group is such a strong pole at that age. And you had gone through a transition from homeschooling to Hunter starting at a public school, which had to have been just such a kind of shock to his system. And, and how do you think that that was part of his adjustment?
(00:47:01):
Paula
He started, you know, at a parochial school, they all, the kids started a little parochial school around the corner and, and he had a year and a half there, so half of seventh grade and eighth grade. And he did really well. And so by the time he then started high school, there was, I sort of felt like, Oh, we had made that transition. Like, Oh, you know, things are going to be okay and, but you know, he, what works for one kid doesn’t work for another kid. And while the high school he went to, I’m sure lots and lots, I know lots of people do really well. That’s kids I know do really well. He was just never able to get social traction there. And part of it was that he didn’t want to join anything. And you know, I mean this, that’s one of those things that you say coulda, shoulda, woulda, you know, but at the time, you know, there’s part of you as a parent that’s like, yes, transitions are hard and I’m here to support you and you know, I’m going to keep checking in and you know, we there you do have to learn at a certain point, you know, that, that you can be in a difficult situation and you know, you can learn how to do that.
And I don’t know those lessons that we need to build on in our lives in order to sort of function. They just didn’t, they, they didn’t click for him in the way that that we had hoped that they would.
(00:48:26):
Brenda
This is really a trend that I see in all the people that I talk to is that shift. When you see, like if you’re a parent who’s observing some changes in your child, that shift of friends is a big one to look out for. And so the sort of the lack of a thing, you know, that they don’t have a thing, whether that’s a sport or an art or something like that because that really leaves them open to the influences of those other kids. And you’re also working with somebody who doesn’t have that prefrontal cortex developed so they don’t, especially boys, right? 
They didn’t, they don’t have any ability to say, Oh, this might not be a good idea. It’s almost the opposite. Like this is the best idea ever.
(00:49:11):
Paula
Right. Yeah. And some, you know, kids and I think boys often more than girls, they, they are hard-wired to seek out risk. Now, that probably worked really well, you know, a billion years ago. Maybe not so well when you’re deciding what to do after lunch in high school, whether you’re going to go back or you know, all that stuff. Yeah.
And you know, you are dealing with this a few years before I was. And I’m wondering and you talk about sort of that sense of isolation. And I know, I certainly felt that is, it’s just an impact of the friend group. You know, the friends that you have. And I know you’ve talked about some friends were just kind of horrified, turned away when you spoke, kind of opened up to them. But that sense of isolation is so real. And how, how have you been sort of dealing with that now? Do you feel like that’s less so?
(00:50:08):
Paula
Yeah. Well now I think, I mean, I don’t have to deal with that personally now and now in fact, because I’m out there talking about this book, I, lots of people come to me and are like, you know, Oh my kid, my, you know, my kids and they’re so, I know that I was not the only person out there and nor are all these people. I think what is different now is that there are the internet, of course, there’s all these support groups. There’s Facebook groups for moms of kids struggling with meth, with opioids or you know, I mean all of these ways that people can connect and support each other even if they don’t know anyone in their own town. And there are more support groups that are beyond just, you know, I mean Ala-Non is something that is it works great for some people.
(00:51:01):
It’s a lot of it is about tough love and non enabling. And I, you know, I think support should come in what feels supportive to you. But that was sort of the only thing that was out there that I knew of in our back in our day. And I, I also think that like there’s organizations like Shatterproof, are you familiar with Shatterproof? So Shatterproof right. As, you know, is dedicated to ending the devastation that addiction causes families and they’re, they’re doing concrete work to advocate for families and like, you know, putting together an evidence based, a rating system for rehab programs, which, you know, unless you’ve ever tried to get your kid into a rehab program, you would think, well, that’s gotta be there already. But you know, no. So I’m doing a lot of political, you know, advocacy and that’s another way that you could connect with other people because I think just having, it’s just like when you know, you have a tiny baby and even though you have nothing in common with those other people in the mom’s group, except that you all have six week olds, all of a sudden that’s all that matters.
Right? Right. And it’s that same thing when you have a kid who’s going through something, something like you know truancy and addiction and you know, everything that goes along with, with that whole garden path.
Brenda
Yeah. Is, it’s amazing how just finding that that one other person can just be a lifesaver to connect with and to not feel the judgment and not feel the stigma and just have a, a piece of common ground. And one of the things I think like a piece of common ground when I read in your prologue about the blindfold and I don’t know if you, if you have that, if you would of if that’s something that you typically read?
(00:52:54):
Paula
Sure I do. I do. Do you want me to read that?
Brenda
I would love that. It was such a perfect description of, of what it’s like and I think other parents can really identify with that
(00:53:04):
Paula
Sure. I would be glad to and that part actually did not change at all from the minute I wrote it down it was like, Oh that is exactly what I felt like it was like, so I’ll read you a couple of paragraphs on this is when he was living in the house on stilts. “We do not know when he will come and go. Stealthily he avoids us, coming after dark leaving before dawn. But I look out the kitchen window and when my son is present, the stained glass windows of the house on stilts glow with the light of the small lamp within like a church on Christmas Eve. This is my only solace and it is fleeting and I cling to it as I once clung to him. Sweet smelling, freshly bathed. Parenting publications often refer to parenting as a journey, promising to help moms and dads navigate each turn from birth to launch.
I contributed for years to a local magazine called Parent Map. Such a reassuring title because Hey, if there’s a map, parents can buy one, borrow one forecast the road to come, maps mean cartographers have charted the way road builders have leveled and landscaped it, or at the very least some traveler has scratched the path with ciphers. Suggesting left is easy walking, right is the cliff, but being the parent of a teenager with addiction is like trying to navigate a dark room blindfolded. You bumped around desperate for clarity, feeling the objects in your path to try and figure what they are tripping, falling. Occasionally your blindfold shifts enough that you catch a glimpse in the infinitesimally less dark moment of what the room contains. Then the blindfold slips back. The darkness rendered even blacker by the fragment of paler dark.”
(00:55:03):
Brenda
Hmmm, yeah, that really was what I felt like it was like. Yeah, And does it still feel like you have a blindfold of some sort on?
Paula
No, no. It’s gone, yeah. You know, I mean, it, it lifted to some extent, even, you know, during the last years of Hunter’s life as he was, you know, when he was doing better for a period of time and he was, you know, had a job and was living on his own and I never was not, not very worried all the time, you know, there was that level of low lying, you know, burn of worry. But I you know, had a life and you know, we had relationship and but the part about the part that so desperately terrifying to me was when he was young enough that, you know, legally and morally I felt like it was my job to fix this problem, but I couldn’t even see what the problem was.
(00:56:07):
And that was just dementing, you know, up until they’re 18, you are supposed to be the one to take care of them and you, when you, when you don’t know how to do that. And when they don’t want you to do that, it becomes just this torturous relationship of back and forth then yeah, yeah. That, that particular part of it just stuck with me. It was so, so true. 
Brenda
Yeah. What do you want people to take away from a house on stilts when they’re done reading it? 
Paula
Well, if they’re in the middle of going through an experience I would say to, to get support in whatever way that they possibly can, you know that might mean for some people that might mean finding a therapist. It might be you know, getting into some kind of family therapy. There is a system of helping families called CRAFT and there are some therapists in this area and many more across the country that are starting to use it.
(00:57:15):
And I’ll tell you, when somebody comes up to me at a bookstore reading and they tell me a story that about the hard things that are happening with their kid, but that mom looks okay, they always mentioned that they’re working with a CRAFT therapist. So I would say reaching that is a good thing. And beyond that that, you know, people with addiction and the families that are, you know, going through this with them absolutely deserve to have your emotional support and that if, even if, if you have not gone through this experience personally, when someone tells you that they’re going through it, just lean in, you know, you can’t fix it for them, but you can definitely not recoil. And the most painful thing to me during this year, so it would be when I would share this with someone, not expecting them to fix it, but just because like this was my reality and they were a close enough person and to see people recoil, that’s just, it just made me, you know, wish that I had never open my mouth.
(00:58:22):
And that’s very, very unhealthy and bad. And there are many people in society who are going through this right now and we need to show up for each other with compassion. Yeah. Because then it just makes you close down and then it just keeps, it’s just that cycle of quietness and people can’t get help if they are not talking and not being truthful about what they need. 
Brenda
That’s right. If you could have a billboard in downtown Seattle to dispel one myth that you learned along your, your path about addiction, what would it say? 
Paula
Oh gosh, that’s a really good question. I don’t know. The writer in me wants to like take that out in the corner and chew on it. I don’t know that I can, that I can give you a sound bite. I would say it would have something to do showing up for each other with humanity and compassion. You know, everyone deserves compassion. Everyone,
(00:59:22):
Everyone deserves compassion. You know that person on the side of the street, like we’ve said, you know that kid with the sign, you know, he, he is Hunter. He is your son. He is, you know that girl who babysat for your kids when they were young. That’s who that person is. Of course that’s not that person. But it’s somebody who’s just like that person and they have a circle of people who love them and they deserve to be treated. You know, with fairness and compassion, that is very true. Very true. If anybody can can really take anything away, I think that’s so important to recognize that you’re, they’re not different than you and in that it very easily could be your neighbor’s kid, you know, cause there’s so many things you can’t fix in all of this. You know, that’s part of my lesson is like you can’t, you can’t fix some of these problems as the mother and the father, even though, you know, we’re told that’s our job.
(01:00:22):
We can’t fix this. But you can control how you show up with that person and you can always see the person in that person and not allow their addiction to define them, you know? 
Brenda
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It does not. There’s so much more to them and I love that in the first part of the book, you really go into depth about, you know, your family and the childhood and you just painted such a great texture of normal family. Just normal, loving, fun, the family that does cool stuff together and that, you know, that’s where, that’s where people come from. So I think that was a really important part to sort of set the stage, you know, for, for where where Hunter came from. That was really special. 
Paula
Thank you. Thank you. That’s what I was trying to do. Right. Let people love him a little bit, you know?
(01:01:16):
So they would feel how much it hurts. 
Brenda
Yeah. And I think, you know, when I got done reading that, I thought everybody should read this for, to be able to have that compassion because I think it did a really good job of helping people understand this is, this is your neighbor, this is, you know, anybody and to really feel the pain that you felt, for somebody to be able to have compassion for their sister-in-law or their, you know, yoga teacher, whoever that’s going through this. I think the book really helps people get to that point where they can say, Oh my gosh, I didn’t know that it was that bad. I didn’t know how hard it must be for you. And if somebody could say that too, you know, you kind of several years ago, that would mean it would mean everything. 
Paula
Yeah. Thank you. I, hope that, I hope it does that for people. I hope people read it and tell other people
(01:02:20):
About it if they, you know, if they feel strongly about it and have you share it that way. 
Brenda
So you said that you’re writing another book now. What are you, what are you working on and what can I hear you doing? 
Paula
I’ve started taking work for History Link again, which has been my, you know, my big long gig now for 20 years. I’m working on a really small little book. I don’t have a publisher yet. If you’re a publisher who does this kind of book, please find me online. It’s a little book of self care for the very, very early days of grief because I feel like there’s lots of books about grief and for people who are grieving, but my experience is that they have a lot of words. And when you’re in that first piece of early bereavement, I think as something that’s a lot closer to a board book, it’s a lot more what you need.
(01:03:17):
So that’s what I’m working on right now. And I’m hoping that the universal will allow it to get out there quickly and without a lot of the usual angst that goes along with pitching a book, which is no fun usually. Right. 
Brenda
That sounds incredible. So smart. Where can people, if they want to, well they want to get the book. I got mine on Amazon. 
Paula
Sure it’s wherever books are sold – I’m indebted to bookstores who have supported me in my career. So I always say try to find it at a bookstore if you can possibly do that. 
Brenda
Yes. I love that. I love that too. Yeah. And then do you have a website where people want to sort of be your speaking schedule? 
Paula
Yes, Paula Becker.org. And I’m not doing a bunch of speaking right now, but cause I’ve sort of exhausted all the bookstores around here.
(01:04:12):
But definitely they can find out about all of my work and certainly they can get in touch with me that way. I’m also on Instagram and on Twitter. And my handle is @PaulaBeckernow. 
Brenda
Well, thank you so, so much. I can’t tell people who are listening get this book fast enough because even if you don’t even if you don’t have this person in your life, you will gain so much compassion from it. And I think that’s, that’s so needed these days. So thank you so much for being on. 
Paula
Thank you so much Brenda, and thank you. I’m happy you have this podcast. It’s a great resource and I hope that people are finding out about you hard and fast. 
Brenda
It’s a, it’s a topic that, you know, people tend not to be so interested in until they actually need it
Paula
and then they’re desperately, desperately hoping for a podcast like this. So. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Brenda
Awesome. 
I cannot even tell you guys how important this book is to get and read and share. The level of compassion that it will give you for families going through a really difficult time. But in particular families with a child who truly has been sort of kidnapped by these drugs. We’ll just give you a whole new perspective. So I encourage you to, as Paula says, go to your local bookstore or have it delivered from there. And enjoy the really heart wrenching story that she has shared so, so freely. 
And again, if you are a parent who is in need of some support and to get a tribe around you to get through this, please do come and visit us at the stream community and you can go to my website, BrendaZane.com/thestream and you’ll learn about what we do, where we hang out and all the different kinds of things that you can get involved with just to not feel so alone. So I encourage you to do that. 
And also if you are enjoying this podcast and want to support me helping other parents, one of the greatest things you can do is to give me a review and rate the podcast. So if you’re listening in Apple iTunes podcasts, then you can just go to the main kind of home-screen for this podcast and scroll down and you’ll see a place to do that. All right. Thanks so much, and we will talk to you next week.