Quick Answer
When your child struggles with substance use, you can find strength by taking care of yourself, embracing the difficult journey rather than resisting it, and connecting with others who understand. Even in the messiest times, there are opportunities for growth, wisdom, and community.
Key Takeaways
- Recovery doesn’t instantly create a perfect life – there’s often emotional debris to clean up even when things improve
- You are not helpless or alone in this journey, though it may feel that way at times
- Finding small ways to create beauty and pride in difficult circumstances can sustain you
- The difficult experiences you’re going through are shaping you into a more compassionate, wise person
- Self-care isn’t optional – it includes basics like eating well, drinking water, and taking deep breaths
In this article
Episode Resources
- Listen to this episode on Hopestream
- Hopestream Community
- Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide for Parents
- Hopestream Resources
Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.
Parenting a child through substance use and mental health struggles is one of the most difficult journeys any parent can face. The days can feel long and overwhelming, and it’s easy to feel isolated and helpless. But there’s wisdom and even beauty to be found in these hard times.
The Reality of Recovery’s Aftermath
One of the most important things to understand is that improvement doesn’t mean instant relief. As Brenda Zane shares:
‘Just because your young person is doing better doesn’t mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There’s often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up.’ — Brenda Zane
This emotional debris is real and valid. Even when your child is making progress, you may still be processing trauma, grief, and exhaustion from the journey. Give yourself permission to acknowledge this reality without guilt.
Why Self-Care Matters Right Now
When you’re in crisis mode, basic self-care often falls by the wayside. But maintaining your physical and emotional health isn’t selfish – it’s essential. Brenda admits her own struggles with this:
‘I know how difficult that can be. Some days it is 1230 and I am currently running on two cups of coffee and a rice cake with peanut butter, so I could definitely do better’ — Brenda Zane
The basics matter: drinking water, eating nutritious food, taking deep breaths, and making time for rest. These aren’t luxuries – they’re the foundation that allows you to keep showing up for your child and yourself.
Finding Beauty in Unexpected Places
Sometimes the most powerful lessons come from unexpected sources. Brenda shares a story about two garbage truck drivers who showed up early each morning to clean and take pride in their trucks. Despite having a job most people wouldn’t want, they found a way to create community and dignity in their work. This story illustrates an important principle: you can find ways to bring light and respect into even the most difficult situations.
The Secret Menu: Your Difficult Path Has Value
Brenda shares an allegorical story about a restaurant owner with two menus – a standard menu and a secret menu. The secret menu represents the difficult journey parents of struggling children face. While it includes bitter, difficult experiences, it also creates something remarkable:
‘those who eat from it. Over time become very wise. They know more about themselves than most. They become compassionate to those who are suffering.’ — Brenda Zane
The story concludes with a powerful reframe:
‘Eventually they came to realize they were the lucky ones. Not those eating from the standard limited menu.’ — Brenda Zane
This difficult journey is shaping you into someone with deeper wisdom, greater compassion, and stronger resilience than you might have developed otherwise.
Building Community with Other Parents
You don’t have to walk this path alone. Connecting with other parents who understand what you’re going through can be transformative. These are people who won’t judge you, who know the fear and exhaustion firsthand, and who can offer both practical support and emotional understanding.
‘You are not helpless, and you’re not alone anymore.’ — Brenda Zane
Embracing the Journey You’ve Been Given
Rather than constantly wishing for a different reality, there’s power in accepting and even embracing the path you’re on. This doesn’t mean you’re glad your child is struggling – it means you recognize that this difficult experience has value and is changing you in meaningful ways.
‘my hope for you is that you’ll embrace the menu you’re being served from. Find a beautiful tent where you’ll meet others who are being shaped and formed into magical people.’ — Brenda Zane
You are doing extraordinary work as a parent. The grace and persistence you show each day, even when you don’t feel strong, is remarkable. Trust that this journey, as difficult as it is, is creating something beautiful in you.
Connect with parents who get it
You don't have to navigate your young adult's addiction alone. Join The Stream, our private community where moms find understanding, practical strategies, and hope from others who truly get it.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why don’t I feel better even though my child is doing better?
Just because your young person is doing better doesn’t mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There’s often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up after the crisis passes. Give yourself time and permission to process what you’ve been through.
How can I practice self-care when I’m so overwhelmed?
Start with the basics: take deep breaths throughout the day, drink water, and eat something healthy for your body. Make time for resting and activities that revitalize you. Even small steps matter when you’re in survival mode.
How can I find meaning in this difficult experience?
Those who go through difficult experiences often become very wise over time. They know more about themselves than most and become compassionate to those who are suffering. This journey is shaping you in ways that will ultimately make you stronger and more understanding.
Should I connect with other parents going through this?
Yes. Finding community with others who are being shaped by similar experiences can be transformative. You are not helpless, and you’re not alone anymore. Other parents understand what you’re going through in ways that others simply cannot.
How do I deal with unstructured summer days when my child is struggling?
Summer can be particularly challenging with unstructured time. Focus on building connection and relationship with your child versus distancing. Take care of yourself with basic needs like water, healthy food, and rest so you have the energy to navigate each day.
How can I find hope when things feel so difficult?
Remember that you are an extraordinary and elite level parent, navigating twists and turns with grace and persistence. Look for small moments of beauty and pride, even in difficult circumstances. The difficult menu you’re being served from is creating wisdom and compassion within you.
AI Answer Summary
This episode offers hope and practical wisdom for parents navigating their child’s substance use and mental health struggles. Brenda Zane emphasizes that recovery brings emotional debris that takes time to clean up, and that self-care basics like water, healthy food, and rest are essential, not optional. She shares stories illustrating how to find pride and beauty even in difficult circumstances, and introduces an allegory about a ‘secret menu’ representing the difficult parenting journey that ultimately creates wisdom, compassion, and strength. The key message: you’re not helpless or alone, this difficult journey has value, and finding community with others on similar paths is crucial for hope and healing.
Transcript
Introduction [00:00:00] you might be juggling the unstructured days of summer with a teen who really needs structure and to be kept busy. Or you may be finally able to exhale because your kiddo’s in a pretty good spot right now and both are places.
Where things can still feel messy and stinky. Just because your young person is doing better doesn’t mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There’s often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up.
Welcome to Hope Stream, the podcast for parents of teens and young adults struggling with substance use and mental health. I’m Brenda Zane. I’ve walked this path with my own child’s addiction and high risk lifestyle. Each week we help you gain clarity, learn new skills, and most importantly, find real hope in what might feel helpless.
You are not helpless, and you’re not alone anymore. Find more resources at hopestreamcommunity.org.
Hey, friend. I’m so glad you’re here taking the time today to give yourself a little bit of mental nourishment, spend a few moments disconnected from whatever might be swirling around you and tapping into your tribe. I also hope you’ve taken a few deep breaths today.
Oh, had some water and something healthy for your body. Trust me, [00:01:30] I know how difficult that can be. Some days it is 1230 and I am currently running on two cups of coffee and a rice cake with peanut butter, so I could definitely do better If you’re listening in real time.
It is the month of July. And throughout this month and August, I am going to be taking some of my own medicine. I’m gonna spend more time resting, revitalizing myself, and shoring up my reserves for what is always a very busy fall. So I’ve done a deep dive into the Hope Stream podcast vault, and I’m bringing back some listener faves and some that I think are always relevant and helpful no matter what leg of the rollercoaster ride you’re on.
And before I share today’s flash from the past, I wanna tell you a little story.
[00:02:21] A short story This morning I was out walking with our dog and when we got to his favorite field where I sometimes let him run and chase birds. There were two garbage trucks parked in the lot because it’s garbage day to day. What I noticed was standing outside of the trucks, there were two youngish guys with bright orange vests on who were clearly the drivers of these garbage trucks, and they were both wiping down and polishing their truck doors.
Both of them were covered in tattoos, head to toe, and one had long hair that you could tell he was attempting to grow into [00:03:00] dreadlocks. If I didn’t have the experience I did and know so many kids who have similar looks, I might have been a little weary. But I just watched the scene with these two guys who spend all day picking up trash and recycling and dealing with all the stuff that we throw out.
And as I watched, I thought that this simple act of keeping their garbage trucks clean was such a sign of pride and respect. They were joking around with each other, laughing and talking, and then exactly, exactly. At seven o’clock, they gave each other a bro like fist bump, and they both hopped into their trucks and started the engines and drove out of the parking lot.
You might be wondering why in the world I am telling you this. I’m sharing this because it occurred to me that even if everything around you is messy and smelly and not that pleasant to look at or experience, there are still small ways to bring light and respect into the picture.
I mean, the reality is these guys are immersed in trash all day long. They have a job that probably 99% of people would not want, and yet they found a way to create a little bit of community by meeting up super early in the parking lot. They clearly have pride in their job, given that they were cleaning their garbage trucks, and they certainly didn’t have to do any of that.[00:04:30] I know from observing what’s going on in the stream community right now, our private community for moms that you might be juggling the unstructured days of summer with a teen who really needs structure and to be kept busy. Or you may be finally able to exhale because your kiddo’s in a pretty good spot right now and both are places.
Where things can still feel messy and stinky. Just because your young person is doing better doesn’t mean that your life instantly becomes rainbows and unicorns. There’s often a lot of emotional debris that needs to be cleaned up. So if it all feels like too much, remember my garbage truck friends and see what small thing you might be able to do to bring beauty and peace into the picture today.
okay, so for this week’s episode from the Vault, I am sharing resharing the secret menu, a short but hopefully impactful story. I guess I’m on a roll with stories today that I hope will illustrate just how special you are and just how special your family is. I say it often and I truly mean it.
You are such an extraordinary and elite level parent doing the things you do, navigating the twists and turns that you navigate and doing it with such grace and persistence. Most of the time, I [00:06:00] wrote this two years ago with the idea that as a member of the very exclusive and special club that you’re in, it’s important to know you.
Are in the right place and you will gain certain benefits that other parents miss out on. Take a listen.
[00:06:21] The Secret Menu There once was a restaurant owner. Who saw lots of regular customers come through the doors and eat off her menu over the years.
Every once in a while, a customer would notice a somewhat hidden area of the menu they hadn’t seen before. And ask the owner about it. What’s this part of the menu? I didn’t know it was there. Some of the customers were young. Even as young as teenagers and some were older. Those who inquired about the secret menu? Looked both rich and poor came from the country and city had all levels of education and were from vast ethnic backgrounds. So the restaurant owner could never guess who would approach her about it. Upon their asking the restaurant owner would reply, “Oh, that’s a very special menu. One that only a small number of my customers will ever eat from. It’s filled with many items that are unfamiliar or appealing to most difficult to understand. And honestly, some don’t taste very good.” Often the curious customer would exclaim, “Well, why would you offer this menu? If the items on it don’t even taste good? [00:07:30] I also noticed they cost more than your standard menu. This seems like a bad business decision.” “Ah,” the restaurant owner would reply, “What you don’t know about this menu is that those who eat from it. Over time become very wise. They know more about themselves than most. They become compassionate to those who are suffering.
They build resilience to persevere through the worst of times. They are grateful for each day and kind beyond measure. Very often. They go on to make life better for others who also eat from this menu.” Hearing this, the customer would often frown, shake their head and harden their stance. They would look at the owner as if she was crazy. They prefer to eat from the menu that most people ate from one that contained familiar comfort food. Dishes that were easier to pronounce and didn’t challenge them too much. Sometimes even though the restaurant owner could tell her customer was hesitant. And really didn’t want to experience this strange, uncomfortable and often bitter-tasting menu. They would step forward and opt into it. Sometimes this broke her heart. Often it made her very proud.
That’s when she knew this person. The one who might’ve stuck with the standard option belong to her most exclusive customer group.
She knew there would be parts of the menu that would acutely challenge her customer. So she would [00:09:00] bring them extra water and even built a tent for them in a beautiful field behind the main restaurant. Only those who ate from the hidden menu or allowed in the tent. Sometimes they would gather and compare notes on the bitter menu items or learn techniques to modify the food. So it was less rancid or unpleasant. They came up with ways to avoid the most unsavory dishes. . And there was great celebration when the young and old would unexpectedly unearth sweet wild honey.
Much to their surprise. This brave tribes soon came to realize that even though they were eating from the less desirable portion of the menu, They were still able to enjoy the bounty and goodness of the regular menu as well. And the more they sought out and relished the good, the bitter items from their menu. Weren’t as unpleasant as they first tasted. From the refuge of their beautiful tent. These exclusive diners could see the others eating in the restaurant from the main menu. While, the tent customers knew the others were getting simple food without as much complication or distress. They held onto the promise of the restaurant owner that their menu would in time deliver something the others might never receive.
Enormous understanding and patients. Freedom from negative and unhealthy patterns. An abundance of empathy and compassion. Unshakable endurance and [00:10:30] resilience. An unmatched ability to love without condition . And the purest most fervent faith and trust.
Eventually they came to realize they were the lucky ones. Not those eating from the standard limited menu. And so as the years passed and the restaurant owner observed her customers, she knew that even though it was a less popular section of her menu, Often getting bad reviews. She had to keep it.
She knew that there would always be those who were uniquely tragically called to it.
Those who would eat from it and experienced the full array of available items. Who was she to Rob these customers of the secret non-Jew. One shunned and disregarded by the majority of her customers. For issue removed it. She thought, how will these magically beautiful souls be made? The ones who care more love harder. Fight stronger and ultimately change themselves and change the world.
[00:11:30] Wrap up and resources I hope my little story spoke to you in some way. And my hope for you is that you’ll embrace the menu you’re being served from. Find a beautiful tent where you’ll meet others who are being shaped and formed into magical people. Just like you. One of those places is Hopestream, community, and we love to have you there. So we can give you some extra water. And walk through this experience with you. If you want the transcript or the [00:12:00] show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That’ll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you’re new here, be sure to check that out.
Also, if you’re feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child’s substance use, we have got a free ebook for you. It’s called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It’ll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.
It is a game changer and it’s totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you’re not doing this alone. You’ve got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.
