Three Powerhouse Tools for Positive Change if Your Child Misuses Drugs & Alcohol

BRENDA ZANE This probably isn’t going to come as any surprise to you if you’ve been here with me for a while, but it all boils down to the fact that you only have control over yourself. Not a newsflash, I know, but it’s a good grounding principle to keep in mind when you think about this concept.

But like I’ve said before, many times, just because you only have control over yourself does not mean that you are helpless. to create conditions for positive change in your child or anyone. You absolutely can have influence and the more awareness you have, the more impact you’ll have. It is a two way street, my friend. There is no way to make things better without making yourself part of the change.

[00:00:51] Intro Welcome to Hope Stream, a podcast where you’ll hear interviews, conversations, and encouraging words for parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance misuse and mental health. I’m Brenda Zane, your host and a fellow parent whose child struggled. I’m so glad you’re here. Take a deep breath and know you’re not doing this alone anymore.

[00:01:15] CRAFT + MI + ACT = The Invitation To Change Approach Hey friend, it is just us today. And I’m following up on an episode I did a couple of weeks ago. It was episode 256, where I shared about [00:01:30] the double punch of using CRAFT and am I motivational interviewing. I explained that the difference between CRAFT and ITC Invitation to Change Approaches is simply that the Invitation to Change Approach takes the nine CRAFT procedures and adds two additional evidence-based approaches to supplement it. One is MI, which I talked about on 256, and today we’re going to talk about the other one, ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

So these two episodes go hand in hand, but before we dive in I want to remind you I am not a therapist I am not here trying to do any therapy with you. You do need to have an actual therapist on your team. What I am working on is to help inform you of some of the incredibly useful tools and skills that can make a big difference when you’re navigating a young person’s addiction.

There is a big disclaimer here. I am not a therapist, but I am talking about therapy stuff. So I call this the triple threat. It’s the full combination of CRAFT plus MI plus ACT. And be sure to rewind your podcast machine back to episode 256 and listen to that one. But you don’t have to play them in order, so if you haven’t listened to that, that’s okay, finish this one and then you can go back to that.

[00:02:58] What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT?) You can think of [00:03:00] ACT as a guide, basically, to finding a more flexible and fulfilling way of being in the world. Especially for those of us who have mastered, or at least think that we have mastered, the art of controlling everything. At its core, ACT, which was developed by Hayes and colleagues, is a Like you can think about it like learning to dance with life Instead of trying to play the puppeteer and direct every move.

It’s about building what researchers call Psychological flexibility you can think of it as yoga for your mind where strength meets adaptability Here is what I think makes ACT so powerful for driven people like us. It combines mindfulness practices, and you know I love talking about those, with strategic action steps toward things that really matter to you, like your struggling child.

But it’s not about somehow setting aside that ambitious nature that you have, because that is what makes you, you. It’s what makes me, me. It’s more about channeling it in a wise and strategic way. Um, imagine having the capacity to pursue your goals and, and this is going to sound strange being gentle with yourself when things don’t go according to plan.

I know this might sound like a revolutionary concept. [00:04:30] I see this daily in The Stream Community where we have high achieving, highly intelligent members who are very goal driven and they can accomplish literally anything they put their mind to. But they are not always so kind or gentle on themselves, and that can cause a lot of emotional friction in their life.

[00:04:51] How ACT can help So today I want to talk about how ACT, can help us navigate the roller coaster ride while keeping our own emotional self study. I think you probably know me well enough by now to know that I’m someone who deeply understands the instinct to fix everything yesterday.

And I’ve learned through my personal experience and through all of the teaching and the lessons that I have absorbed from the helpers that I’ve encountered along the way, is that our greatest parenting strength comes from transforming our own response to the situation. I will say that again.

Our greatest parenting strength comes from transforming our own response to the situation. CMC, which is the Center for Motivation and Change, authors of the book Beyond Addiction, is the organization and group of brilliant psychologists who very deliberately decided to weave ACT principles into their approach.

They did this as a way to help you include yourself in the [00:06:00] change process by focusing on your experience. And I know that can feel counterintuitive because you’re thinking, my house is on fire and you want me to sit down and do deep breathing. Are you crazy? I know. Trust me, I hear this pretty much daily, but there is research to back up the effectiveness of using ACT principles while you’re going through a hugely difficult time. And of course, I have put the research in the show notes for this episode because we like data.

When you increase your awareness of your emotions, reactions, values, and personal limits, it actually makes you a better helper. CMC talks about this as something that you can do, quote, “on the inside” versus some of the actions that we teach, which are more about what you can do, kind of “on the outside” to help make positive change.

Now this probably isn’t going to come as any surprise to you if you’ve been here with me for a while, but it all boils down to the fact that you only have control over yourself. Not a newsflash, I know, but it’s a good grounding principle to keep in mind when you think about this concept.

But like I’ve said before, many times, just because you only have control over yourself does not mean that you are helpless. to create conditions for [00:07:30] positive change in your child or anyone. You absolutely can have influence and the more awareness you have, the more impact you’ll have. It is a two way street, my friend. There is no way to make things better without making yourself part of the change.

We have an entire module in our Community learning section on this specific topic. We teach it as part of our 13 week invitation to change course, so I am not going to go into the entire session. But what I want to call out are a few things that I feel are important for you to noodle on this week. And remember, I’m not a therapist, so these are kind of the Brenda-fied versions of some of these ACT tools.

[00:08:16] First Practice: The Both/And Idea The first one is the both/and idea. I have done a lot of work personally around this idea with my therapist because I have a tendency to lean toward all or nothing thinking. So the both and idea is your permission slip to hold two truths. You can love your child and feel frustrated by their choices.

You can hope for change and accept the present reality. This may not come naturally to you like it does not to me so it can take some time but it’s really helped me feel less anxious and guilty also. It’s allowed me not to be so harsh on myself and to [00:09:00] recognize that things aren’t ever going to be 100 percent how I want them to be.

So I’m gonna give you a little practice that you can do which comes with a slight woo woo warning. But just experiment with me on this for a week and see how it goes. Find your two things that you want to hold at the same time. So think about what those two things are and then connect them with a breathing exercise.

So that could sound like breathe in with the thought, I love them so much and breathe out with, and I cannot control their journey. And then repeat this until you’re comfortable. your shoulders drop just a little bit or your jaw unclenches or that army of butterflies and your chest calms down. I know I gave you the woo woo warning so I hope you’re going to give this a try.

I’m telling you it made a big difference in my life and pro tip this works for more practical kind of less emotional things too. Like recently I was feeling super exhausted from work. But I hadn’t been invited to go to a social event in the evening where a friend was going to be there who I haven’t seen in a long time.

My tendency would be not to go. I would say, I am too tired. I’m staying home. But I used the both and idea and I said to myself, I’m really tired and I really want to see my friend. [00:10:30] I’m going to go but I’m not going to stay too long. This gave me permission to acknowledge that I was tired. and it allowed me to find a way to see my friend at the same time. So it is a very useful tool to slot into your tool belt.

[00:10:46] Second practice: Emotional Smoothie The second practice that I want to share is to have a morning emotional smoothie. So because I know you’re likely feeling all the things, I like to give you tools that can help dial down that urge to spiral into either a state of paralysis. or a state of frenetic energy that you don’t know what to do with.

I have landed in both of those places many times. so I call this one the morning emotional smoothie because when you wake up, And the thoughts start running through your head about all the things and you feel worry, hope, fear, panic, love, and you know, fill in the emotion blank there.

It’s helpful to know that they can all blend together and be okay. You don’t have to push some of them away and try to hang on to the others. Just imagine they’re all coming together in a delicious emotional smoothie. And remember that when you feel all these feelings and all of these emotions, it means your parent heart is working exactly as it should.

If you didn’t care so much, you wouldn’t be feeling them. So it’s an indicator that things are actually okay. [00:12:00] Of course, you don’t want to get too much of any one of them in your smoothie or it’s gonna taste terrible. So try to create some balance there and accept that it’s all okay.

[00:12:11] Third Ppractice: Love-First Lookout And then the third and final tool I’ll share is what I call the Love First Lookout, because even when you feel like you are just watching and waiting, drumming your fingers for the next thing to happen, you can actually do it with purpose and presence.

So this one is helpful if you feel like you are one text away from emotional overload. You can think of it as setting up a loving observation post instead of embarking on a rescue mission, just like a lighthouse does not chase after the ships.

It just beams a steady light. You can learn to be that consistent caring presence without jumping into fix it mode. And yes, I see you rolling your eyes because fix it mode is where you thrive, but go with me on this one for a minute. before any interaction, that could be a text, a call or an in person interaction.

Take a deep breath and whisper to yourself. Connection before correction. Connection before correction. Then picture your heart having an actual lookout tower where you can observe both your child and your own reactions with [00:13:30] loving awareness. See if you can notice something about them that has absolutely nothing to do with substances or their struggles.

Maybe they still play on the floor with the dog. Or maybe their eyes still light up when they talk about their favorite music. Just anything that is core to who they still are. Then choose one small way to beam that light. Maybe you can share a memory, you could notice something positive, or just express your love without any agenda.

So that could sound like, remember when you used to make those ridiculous pancake faces? Or, your resourcefulness always amazes me. Or you could text something like, just thinking of you and smiling, and then insert your favorite emoji. The beauty of this practice is that it helps us resist the fix it tendency.

You know, that overwhelming urge to solve everything right now, and that usually ends up with both of us and our kids feeling more frustrated. instead of that frustration, this builds on what researchers and therapists call behavioral momentum, Tiny moments of genuine connection that can slowly but surely strengthen our relationships. We have to remember that love does not always need words of wisdom or solutions. Not every interaction has to be a lesson. [00:15:00] Sometimes it’s just about being that steady lighthouse beaming out regular reminders. I see you. I love you. You are more than your struggles.

[00:15:11] Net Takeaways The net of this is that taking care of your own emotional well being isn’t selfish. It is essential. I kind of feel like a broken record saying that, but it’s so true. Becoming more psychologically flexible is a skill that is probably going to take some time.

It has with me, but it will serve you well in all aspects of life. And it’s super helpful at releasing some of the emotional friction and tension that you may be feeling. As always, it is not about perfection. It’s about progress because you’re learning to embrace multiple things at once. And sometimes things are going to come crashing to the ground, and that is okay.

[00:15:56] Quick Review So for a quick review, three little experiments for you to try this week are the both and idea to help you get out of all or nothing thinking patterns. Have your morning emotional smoothie, but make sure it’s well balanced so it doesn’t taste terrible, and use the love first lookout viewpoint so you can change up how you interact with your child.

Can I just say how exceptional you are for being here, for being willing to try some of my more woo woo ideas, for coming back week after [00:16:30] week when you have got a trillion other things on your plate. It’s just such an honor to be doing this with you, and I want to encourage you, if you are a mom, a stepmom, a grandma, an aunt, a female caregiver, come check out the STREAM Community.

It’s Hopestream’s membership for moms. Basically, your place for education and connection with a group of wildly amazing women who are all navigating this experience at different stages. It’s really cool because you’re connected with moms who are a few days or weeks or months and sometimes years ahead of you where you can learn a lot from them.

And then there are moms who are a few days and weeks and months or years behind you who learn from your experiences. I personally call it the healing power of Community because you get the education you need to strategically approach these challenges, and you get the emotional support that helps you keep it all together on a day-to-day basis, sometimes an hour-by-hour basis.

We have a free two-week trial so you can try it out with no risk. Just go to hopestreamcommunity.org and then click on The Stream . Cathy and I both hang out there in between episodes, and we would both love to meet you.

Stay so strong my friend. You’re incredible. You’re doing so much and I am in awe of how you’re handling it all. Be really good to yourself, and I will meet you right back here next week.