Unapologetic, Radical Self-Care Improves Life When Your Child is Struggling, with Brenda Zane

[00:00:00] Brenda: We often move through our days without taking the time to make adjustments and shifts that can really help us improve how we experience life. Especially when someone that we love with every fiber in our body is hurting. We tend to just accept things as they come and it erodes our happiness and joy sometimes slowly over time So we don’t even realize how far we’ve compromised ourselves for the sake of someone or something else We accept inconveniences that we don’t need to we feel obligated to do things that we don’t want to do We get stuck in a rut of doing things the same way, even though we’re not really that happy or even okay with it. 


Welcome to Hopestream. The podcast for parents of kids who are misusing drugs or alcohol, or who are in active addiction treatment or early recovery. I’m your host, Brenda Zane, fellow parent to a child who struggled. So I’m right there with you. If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to hang out with me and a bunch of other great moms after the episodes. 


You can check out the stream. It’s a positive online space where you can get support and take a breather from the stresses of dealing with your son or daughter. Just go to the stream community. com to learn more. Now let’s get into today’s episode. Hello. Hello. I am glad to be back with you today. And before I jump into the episode, I want to let you know that if you’re listening in real time, which is July of 2021, I have a really special thing to tell you about. 


We are going to be having the first ever retreat for listeners of the podcast and members of the stream community. This fall, it’s happening September 30th to October 3rd in real life, in person in San Diego, California. This retreat is for moms who have a child or children who are struggling with substance use issues. 


We are going to be at a. Great Airbnb, it’s a beautiful house by the beach and there’s going to be amazing experiences, a guest speaker, and some goodies for you that I am pulling together. So if you have been thinking about joining the community, This is the time so that you can get in on the retreat. So I opened this to current members of the stream. 


First, we have some spots left and I want to let you know about those so that you can decide if this is a time for you to give yourself something. If you want more detail and a link to register to get signed up and get one of those last remaining spots, just go to brendazane. com forward slash retreat and you will find everything you need there. 


It is going to be so incredible to finally meet you in person, to have three days together, to just chill and bond. We’re going to eat amazing food. Food, all of the things. So registration is only going to be open for a few more weeks or until we are sold out of spots. So be sure to hop over to my website and grab one of those and get the information that you need. 


Okay, today’s episode is going to be a little lighter than usual. I am sure that you feel a lot of heaviness right now. You are probably going through so much. You’re making a lot of hard decisions and then. Maybe you’re questioning those decisions. You’re digging for the right resources. You’re also trying to take care of yourself and your family. 


And it is a lot and life can get pretty heavy. And the topics here on Hopestream can get pretty heavy because that’s what we deal with. So today we’re going to just lighten things up a little bit. It’ll still be extremely relevant to you and helpful, but I think it’ll be an interesting topic and it might even just be a little bit of fun. 


So you might want to grab a notepad or journal or even just use your phone because you’re going to be doing some brainstorming here. And if you’re driving, definitely don’t do that, but just listen in and then work on some of these action items later. One thing I’m guessing about where you are right now is there is not a lot of extra brain space in your head to deal with all of the things that you have on your plate. 


Life right now is probably feeling really big and messy and beautiful and confusing and intense and you’re running in so many directions. And the energy and brain space that you do have needs to be conserved for the important stuff like finding the right resources for your son or daughter, for reading all the books that I know are on your nightstand, for juggling work and appointments. 


Filling out insurance paperwork, you need as much mental hard drive space as you can get. So today we’re going to be looking at your days, your patterns, your habits, and we’re going to find places where you can take back control or finally take control to reduce friction, to give yourself some breathing room, reduce pressure, frustration, or those annoying things that are taking up space. 


We’re also going to be talking about ways that you can unapologetically take care of yourself, because it’s often a real struggle for us, yet we know that we feel better when we move ourselves up from the bottom of the to do list. So why am I talking about this? We often move through our days without taking the time to make adjustments and shifts that can really help us improve how we experience life. 


Especially when someone that we love with every fiber in our body is hurting, we tend to just accept things as they come, and it erodes our happiness and joy, sometimes slowly over time, so we don’t even realize how far we’ve compromised ourselves for the sake of someone or something else. We accept inconveniences that we don’t need to, we feel obligated to do things that we don’t want to do. 


We get stuck in a rut of doing things the same way, even though we’re not really that happy or even okay with it. Now I might be unique in this and it feels a little vulnerable to share some of the things that I will because I run the risk of you thinking I am either sad or lame in some of these things. 


But when I talk with so many parents, I believe I hear this. Sometimes it’s in between the lines. Sometimes it’s the words that are unsaid that make me believe that this is likely true of at least some of you, at least some of the time. We probably spend more time customizing and modifying our phones than we do our days. 


And what happens then is that we get drained, we feel resentful, we start to make decisions based out of fear or dread or anger, and those are usually not the best decisions. this is actually fun and refreshing to do, and it’s something that you do have control over, and this may be a time when you’re not feeling like you have a lot of control over things in your life. 


And in case you think I’ve got this all figured out, know that I absolutely need as much mental hard drive space as I can get. I too default to what is familiar. I get stuck in ruts. And this is where what I’m calling Unapologetic, radical self care comes in. So I’ll share a few examples of things that I’m working on, and then we’ll dive into some brainstorming so that you can come up with a list of things that might work in your life. 


The first area I decided to focus on when I started thinking about this was on treating myself better. So first, I fired my dentist. I know you’re saying, why? Yeah. he talks way too much, and when he talks, he is not working on my teeth, so I am there forever. And I’ve been going to this dentist for 21 years, so we know a lot about each other. 


And for some reason, I have felt this obligation that I needed to keep going to him. And that involves driving 30 to 45 minutes, paying downtown parking rates, walking through a large medical building that smells sadly like a hospital, which, by the way, I have had plenty of, and a few other inconveniences. 


So when I was laying there in his chair last week with my mouth wide open and him gabbing away and my parking getting more expensive by the minute, I thought, I’m done. I am not coming back here. And this is where I run the risk of sounding lame, now that I say it out loud, but making this decision felt so good, taking control of an experience that wasn’t serving me anymore, that I had made up some crazy rule in my own head about. 


act one of reducing friction in my life, check. Also, I got a sleep divorce. Now, this term sounds overly dramatic, but this is a real thing, so let me explain. My husband snores loudly, and I’m an extremely light sleeper. We tried every gadget, device, potion, position, earplug, pillow, you name it, we have it, we have tried it, nothing helps. 


Our closet pretty much looks like the lost and found for the As Seen on TV store’s snoring section. And yet he snores really, really loud. I spent a long time, years, dealing with this, feeling resentful, feeling angry that I wasn’t getting a decent night’s sleep, but in my mind, it was just something I had to deal with. 


Then I realized there is no rule that says you have to sleep in the same bed as your husband or wife or partner. So we now sleep in separate rooms. This kind of felt like a revelation to me, like a freedom to control my sleep experience, which radically improved a lot of other areas in my life. Now, I want to say that we did talk about this. 


We didn’t just drift apart. And luckily my husband is super caring and he wants me to sleep because he benefits greatly from having a rested wife. And so that was the decision that we made, and it may not be forever, because if you have found the magic solution for snoring, please let me know. But for now, it works. 


I consider that a radical act of self care. Then the littlest thing happened, and it really hit me hard. It started with a hamburger bun. Pretty much every week, my husband and I hit the easy button on dinner, and we just throw a veggie burger in a pan and we throw some fries in the air fryer, which, by the way, is an awesome device for reducing friction in your life, but that’s another topic. 


And as I watched my husband. He took his hamburger bun out of the toaster and then he tossed it into the compost pot. And I was really surprised because he hates to waste food. And as he put a new bun in the toaster, I asked him why he was throwing the other one away. He pulled it out and he showed it to me and he said, It’s totally burned. 


I’m not going to eat that. And I just stood there looking at the bun, which honestly was barely burnt, and I admired his ability to not accept something that he didn’t want, even if it was just a slightly burned hamburger bun. I would have 100 percent scraped off the side that was burned and eaten it anyway, even if it didn’t taste the way I wanted it to, because that’s how I have conditioned myself. 


Don’t waste anything. It doesn’t matter that you don’t really want it. Just accept it. I’ve been making it a practice now to stop and notice where I’m eating the slightly burned hamburger bun and figuring out if I really need or want to. These are just a few examples of taking control over something that isn’t working, regardless of the imaginary rules that we have somehow constructed around them, either by yourself or by society in general. 


I’m not sure if this is just like a female thing or if it’s something again, that only I struggle with, but I think it’s worth looking at whether we’re accommodating things and people and situations that really aren’t doing us any favors or working for us. when we could take control and make change in a healthy and respectful way. 


So this is the time to get out your writing equipment and do some brainstorming to see how this could apply in your life. I’ll run through a laundry list of examples, and you can jot down areas where you could try this and just see what happens to your brain space and your stress level. I’ll start a little higher level, and then we’ll dive into some really, really practical things. 


At the top level, Look at where you are accommodating someone else and it’s become unhealthy for you and your peace of mind. This might be a family member or a friend or co worker who you tiptoe around, you’re walking on eggshells, or you shift your actions or beliefs for them. If it’s making you uncomfortable in some way, look at why you’re doing that and see what you can do to shift to decrease that grating and the wear and tear that it’s causing on your nerves. 


You don’t have to be mean or cut people out, but you might need to have a conversation with them about how you’re no longer going to be eating the burned hamburger bun. Another high level place to look is how you position yourself with others. Do you consistently place your needs and responses below others? 


One way we tend to do this is by saying sorry a lot. As an experiment. Practice saying sorry less and thank you more for the day to day things in life. Now, if you need to say sorry for a big thing, a blow up, or an inappropriate reaction, by all means, say you are sorry for that. But part of self care is self respect, and you might be surprised at how often you’re apologizing for things that you don’t need to. 


Thanks for waiting is something that you can easily say instead of sorry I’m late. Or, I’d love to take on that volunteer project once my life settles down a little bit, instead of saying, sorry, I can’t do that. Those kinds of things. It’s important to know that you are in what’s likely going to qualify as one of the hardest times of your life. 


So don’t be apologizing for taking care of yourself for the normal everyday things that sometimes go sideways. Just try this for a week or two and see how it feels. Now, a little more toward the practical. But still something you may need to grasp at a philosophical level is protecting your time. When your mind is being pulled in so many directions with your son or daughter struggles, your time is like invisible gold and it needs to be protected as such. 


I’m not going to go into a big time management lesson because believe me, that is not my area of expertise, but there are two chunks of time that I really have spent a lot of time researching and those are the first moments of your morning and the time before you go to bed. What you do during these two chunks of time can make a massive difference in your life because they set up your waking hours and send you off to your sleeping hours. 


Both pretty important times in life. When I started intentionally controlling my morning experience, it changed my life. Creating a morning routine And being unwavering about following it saves me so much mental swirling during the day. I’ve talked about my morning routine in other episodes, but basically it’s just protecting the first minutes of your day, whether that’s five minutes or 30 minutes and setting yourself up mentally and physically for the day. 


For me, this means not looking at anything else. Any social media or email or text messages, literally keeping myself in a protective bubble while I calmly create a start to the day that prepares me for everything I’m going to be doing that day. This is obviously a really personal thing. So it takes some time to construct your morning the way you like it and the way that it’s most beneficial to you. 


And so it is really, really worth the time it takes to figure it out. The other time pre bedtime is so important because I know from working with so many of you that sleep is something you really need and really don’t get enough of, or the sleep that you do get isn’t great quality. Creating an evening routine that just gently closes out your day with intention rather than being exhausted and frazzled and just dropping into bed can make a huge difference in how you sleep. 


Just like creating your morning routine. It’ll take a little bit of work and experimentation, but that can also be really fun. Finding things that you like and seeing how they impact your night is really enlightening. And when you’re in control of how your days begin and end and you love that time and it feeds your spirit and your mind, it is a radical act of self care. 


Okay, so now for some really practical things. I think this stuff is important because again, we can get in a rut and self sabotage when we move in default mode rather than customization mode. So here’s a laundry list of things for you to consider. Buy in bulk wherever you can. Buying six months of dog food, toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towels, all of those kinds of things is a game changer. 


Because when you’re constantly running out of things, it adds really unnecessary stress to your life. Shower whenever it works for you. There is no rule that you must shower in the morning or at night. So some days 3 p. m. My brain works best early in the morning, so I shift my work routine to take advantage of that and not spend those highly productive minutes getting ready for the day. 


Now, I work from home, so I have this option, and I realize that that’s a privilege. The point is, customize your life so that it works best for you, regardless of how things are normally done. Schedule in advance. Your brain literally cannot keep track of everything going on in your life right now. So scheduling every vet, dog groomer, doctor, dentist, and reoccurring appointment that you have for at least six months and preferably a year is magical. 


And when you do that, put them in your calendar that very moment. Don’t assume that you’re going to remember them because that’s defeating the purpose. So put them directly into your calendar and then your brain can let go of those. Set up auto pay and auto delivery for everything possible. And if auto pay isn’t an option for a bill, schedule it in your online banking. 


And if you get the same vitamins or makeup or Q tips or contact lens solution every month, set that up on Amazon and let them think about it. Automate whatever you can. That is why there are apps and services. Don’t feel like you’re lazy or unorganized. If you take advantage of those, set it up, forget about it and use that brain space for something else, way more important food. 


Food is a major thing for most of us because we have to have it. It takes time. If you want to cook healthy at home and it takes energy to plan, shop and cook. food and eating often falls to the wayside when we have a kiddo struggling because all of our energy is on them. some ideas for reducing the friction around food. 


Batch prepare whatever you can. I know we have all seen the beautiful meal Instagram, and that’s amazing if you do that. But just don’t let the image of perfection stop you from getting some food made and sticking it in a Tupperware. I am only at breakfast food with this. I would love to batch cook all of our meals, but that’s not happening. 


So I just focus on breakfast so at least I can start my day with a solid meal, which goes a long way. And I won’t go into details on this because you probably have a Pinterest board full of all the meals you want to prep. But I would say start small with the meal that you most often miss. And then if you can do more, awesome. 


If it’s within your budget, the other great choice is to, for a while, use a meal service like Sun Basket, Home Chef, Green Chef, all of those. Even if you get just two meals a week, That is two meals that you are not cooking from scratch or picking up fast food. There’s a service for every kind of diet, so that’s no excuse for writing this off as not being an option for you. 


If the idea of this makes you feel lazy, or if you’re doubtful about how they might taste, most of them have a really good deal on your first order. So be adventurous, be brave, know that you’re not going to do this forever, but give yourself permission to get some help with food. It is so important. Pay for less distraction where you can. 


So this goes in the reducing friction category. I had a free Pandora account forever and the ads would drive me crazy, yet I wouldn’t pay for the premium version because I don’t know why. I just didn’t. I figured that they were just a few ads. It wasn’t that bad. And then when I did a scan of my days and I asked myself, where was I feeling friction? 


This was a big one. The peace and focus that I get from not hearing ads has been magical. Again, I know that this is a privilege to have this option, but if it is an option for you, it’s definitely worth considering. Overall, just see where you could potentially spend a small amount of money or a small amount of energy and eliminate the things that are grating on you or irritating your days. 


And it doesn’t have to be forever, but for now, it may be hugely beneficial for your mental health. Do a written brain dump. This is part of my pre bed routine, but it can also be done in the morning. Just have a place where you write down any and everything that is taking up precious space in your mind. 


You can deal with it as you need to, but knowing that it’s all somewhere will give you back some mental space. And this isn’t just a to do list. It can be big things that you think about or little questions you have about life, anything. It’s a really great way to just reduce the friction either while you’re trying to get to sleep or during the day. 


Accept help when people offer. If people in your life know what you’re going through, they often truly want to help and they usually have no idea how to help you. First, you have to get to the point where you can accept help, and then you have to let people know how they can help. Here are some ideas that I put in the radical self care category. 


Let them cook you a meal. Let them make spreadsheets of options for you if you’re evaluating treatment programs. Let them drive your other kid or kids to places they need to go. Let them take your dog for a weekend so you can get out of town. Let them pick up your dry cleaning. Let them take your car to get new tires put on. 


Ask them to pick up your Costco list if that trip stresses you out. You get the point. There are so many things that you are doing that someone else can do. And short of having a personal assistant, this is one of the best ways to reduce friction in your days and weeks. And by the way, it makes people really happy to be able to help you set breathing timers on your phone. 


This is a huge self care move every few hours, set an alarm that has a beautiful calming tone, and that is your signal to take one or two or maybe five minutes if you can afford it and do some deep breathing. At the same time, let your shoulders drop down. You probably don’t realize it, but you are walking through your days with your shoulders up near your earlobes and your breathing is really shallow. 


Setting a reminder on your phone actually gets you aware of this. And when you drop your shoulders and you breathe deeply, It starts to reawaken your parasympathetic nervous system. The important thing is to schedule it until it becomes a normal part of your routine. Be ruthlessly protective of what apps you have on your phone. 


So many people I coach tell me that they are stressed out by Facebook, yet they keep the app on their phone with the notifications on. The nice thing about apps is if you delete them, and then you later decide you really want it or need it, you just download it again. Some people delete their work email app and other work related apps like Slack. 


I know, this is a really radical act of self care, but even if you’re not there yet, at least turn off the notifications on your work apps over the weekend. It’s also really good self care to make looking at your phone a pleasant experience since we do it all day long. I have a beautiful wallpaper from this stream. 


Members there can download new wallpapers every month. So what I see is a beautiful positive message and then I have only two folders on the first screen of my phone and they are fun, personal things that don’t give me any anxiety or cause any friction in my brain. Then, the only app on the front screen of my phone is Insight Timer, which is a meditation app, so that when I wake up, I can open it to meditate without having to see any other apps. 


Then on the second screen, the rest of my apps are in folders grouped by what they do, and that’s it. There are no extra apps on my phone that I don’t use. They aren’t scattered all over. And it’s incredibly calming compared to when I had a ton of apps all over the place, all vying for my attention. The key here though, is you have to be ruthless about it. 


Find a space and make it yours. This doesn’t have to be a big space. Most of us don’t really have the luxury of having an entire room for ourselves, but see if you can create a corner or an area in your home or somewhere outside just for you. It may be as simple as a chair and a few photos or a meditation space with cushions or pillows, a beautiful room spray, anything that allows you to just exhale and be fully relaxed and present. 


This gives you a place to work into your morning and evening routines, a place to escape when the stress level in your home gets too much. And a place to gather yourself and pull together the strength that you need for the next thing. Again, this time is going to get filed in the most stressful chapter of your life. 


So creating a little sanctuary for yourself is not unreasonable. Okay, my friends, these things are not rocket science. But they may not be things that you’ve allowed yourself to consider doing or just haven’t had the time or space to even think about them. And you may now be saying, okay, this all sounds great, but when am I actually going to focus on these things? 


I’ll share a little secret with you. If you work for an employer and you have sick time, this is what you do with your unused sick time. You take a mental health day or two. And you prioritize which of these areas need the most attention, and then you start there. If you work for yourself, like I do, you force yourself to block time on your calendar, whether that’s a full day, or maybe it’s a couple of half days, and that is your own self induced sick time. 


Your mental wellness is equally as important as your physical wellness, so if you don’t have a hard time scheduling a dentist appointment during a work day, then do not even hesitate to take a sick day to add some structure and control to your life. If I could sum it up, I would say, be unapologetic in setting up your days and weeks in a way that works for you, regardless of what rules you think exist around that, and regardless of what you’ve done in the past. 


Make things work for you so that you free up space in your brain to focus on the really important stuff. Also, control who and what gets your attention. Be ruthless about where you spend your mental and emotional energy. And know that all the things you do for now, for this time in your life, can either be temporary or they can become part of how you live your life ongoing. 


Just because you create a situation today that allows you to navigate this massively difficult chapter in life, doesn’t mean you have to do it like that forever. So if it feels uncomfortable to spend some money and to create a fix now, know that you don’t have to spend it forever. If you need to edit the people you interact with right now, it doesn’t mean you have to edit them forever. 


There’s flexibility and adaptability built into how you want to live your life. If you enjoy hope stream, it would mean the world to me. If you left a rating and a review in your podcast app, that just helps more parents find us. And if you’d like to download a free ebook that I wrote called Hindsight, Three Things I Wish I Knew When My Son Was Addicted To Drugs, you can download that from my website, brendazane. 


com forward slash hindsight. It’s free, it’s pretty simple, but it will give you some insight and some things to think about while you’re going through this difficult time. thank you for being with me today on a little bit of a lighter episode of Hope’s Dream. I appreciate you listening. I appreciate everything that you’re going through. 


I understand and I see you. I can’t wait to meet you right back here next week.