Quick Answer
When communicating with a teen or young adult misusing substances, use simple phrases like asking permission before difficult conversations, acknowledging both perspectives with ‘I can see how you might think that,’ buying yourself time with ‘Oh, Hmm, Wow,’ and structuring feedback using ‘I feel, when you, because, therefore’ to create more productive dialogue.
Key Takeaways
- Asking permission before starting difficult conversations increases the likelihood of being heard instead of triggering immediate shutdown
- Acknowledging the other person’s perspective without invalidating your own keeps conversations open and shows you can see both sides
- Simple reactions like ‘Oh, Hmm, Wow’ give you time to compose yourself and think of open-ended questions instead of reacting emotionally
- Using ‘I can do better’ when you react poorly models accountability and gives you a chance to reset the conversation
- The ‘I feel, when you, because, therefore’ structure communicates impact without being accusatory or putting others on the defensive
In this article
Episode Resources
- Listen to this episode on Hopestream
- Episode 182 Cheat Sheet:Ten Simple and Effective Phrases That Help Diffuse Difficult Conversations
- Hopestream Resources
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About the guest: Brenda Zane · Website
Brenda Zane is the host of Hopestream and creator of the Hopestream Community for parents of teens and young adults who struggle with substance misuse. She has personal experience parenting a child through substance use challenges and is dedicated to helping other parents navigate this difficult journey with practical tools and compassionate support.
If you’ve ever found yourself at a loss for words when talking with your teen or young adult who’s struggling with substance use, you’re not alone. Many parents who feel confident communicating in other areas of life suddenly feel inarticulate when it comes to their child who’s off track.
‘But when it came to my 17 year old, who was way off the rails. it was like, I just turned into this inarticulate voiceless person.’ — Brenda Zane
The reality is that our words can either open doors or slam them shut. When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things that act like kindling on a fire, escalating situations instead of diffusing them. The good news is that there are simple, effective phrases you can use to navigate these difficult conversations more successfully.
Why Communication Breaks Down With Struggling Teens
When your child is misusing substances, every conversation feels loaded with potential for conflict. You might say something with good intentions only to watch your teen shut down or explode. The vulnerability in these moments is immense on both sides. As parents, we’re navigating conversations about our most precious and irreplaceable treasures, often feeling terrified about their safety and future.
‘And if I did muster some words, they usually acted like kindling on a fire. And I wished that I had just kept quiet and walked away.’ — Brenda Zane
The Power of Asking Permission
One of the most effective strategies is asking permission before initiating difficult conversations. This might sound counterintuitive when you feel urgent about addressing an issue, but it dramatically increases the likelihood that your teen will actually hear you instead of immediately shutting down. Setting time boundaries can also help: ‘Can we talk for just ten minutes about something that’s been on my mind?’
Similarly, when you want your perspective considered, asking permission shifts the dynamic: ‘I’m asking you to consider my perspective as well.’ This acknowledges their viewpoint while making space for yours.
‘Asking permission here will go a long way to not getting into immediate shutdown.’ — Brenda Zane
Acknowledging Different Perspectives
When you disagree with your child, acknowledging their experience without invalidating your own keeps conversations open. The phrase ‘I can see how you might think that’ shows you’re willing to stay engaged even when you don’t agree. This approach demonstrates that you can see both sides of a coin, even if you don’t like the side that isn’t yours.
Buying Yourself Time to Respond
When surprised or caught off guard, simple responses like ‘Oh,’ ‘Hmm,’ or ‘Wow’ can be magical. These give you precious time to compose yourself and think of an open-ended question if the conversation needs to continue. You don’t need to elaborate or fill the silence. Just use a thoughtful tone, take a few deep breaths, and give yourself space to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.
Communicating Impact Without Blame
The ‘I feel, when you, because, therefore’ structure allows you to communicate the impact of behaviors without putting your child on the defensive. This framework helps you express your experience and emotions while avoiding accusatory language that typically triggers defensiveness and shuts down productive dialogue.
Making Difficult Conversations Lighter
Not every serious conversation needs to happen sitting face-to-face at the kitchen table. Suggesting talking while getting ice cream or walking the dog can lighten the mood and make difficult topics more approachable. When someone feels overwhelmed, asking ‘What’s one small thing I can do to help you right now?’ breaks down big problems into manageable pieces.
These phrases aren’t magic words that solve everything, but they’re tools that can help you craft your words more intentionally. They create space for connection instead of conflict, and they model the kind of thoughtful communication that invites change rather than demanding it.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do when I say something I regret during a conversation with my child?
Use the phrase ‘I can do better’ to acknowledge that you reacted emotionally instead of responding intentionally. This models accountability and gives you a chance to reset the conversation without getting defensive or making excuses.
How can I disagree with my child without shutting down the conversation?
Acknowledge their perspective by saying ‘I can see how you might think that.’ This shows you’re willing to stay engaged and can see both sides even when you don’t agree with their viewpoint, without invalidating your own experience.
Why should I ask permission before having a difficult conversation with my teen?
Asking permission dramatically increases the likelihood that your teen will actually hear you instead of immediately shutting down. It shows respect for their readiness to engage and helps avoid triggering an automatic defensive response.
What can I say when I’m caught off guard and don’t know how to respond?
Use simple reactions like ‘Oh,’ ‘Hmm,’ or ‘Wow.’ These give you time to compose yourself and think of an open-ended question. You don’t need to elaborate—just use a thoughtful tone, take deep breaths, and close your mouth.
How can I make difficult conversations with my child feel less intense?
Suggest talking while doing an activity together like getting ice cream or walking the dog. Not every serious conversation needs to happen face-to-face at the kitchen table, and activities can lighten the mood.
How can I express how my child’s behavior affects me without starting a fight?
Use the ‘I feel, when you, because, therefore’ structure to communicate the impact of behaviors without being accusatory. This framework helps you express your experience and emotions while avoiding language that puts your child on the defensive.
AI Answer Summary
This episode shares ten practical communication phrases that help parents de-escalate difficult conversations with teens and young adults struggling with substance use. Key strategies include asking permission before initiating conversations, acknowledging differing perspectives without invalidating your own, using simple responses like ‘Oh, Hmm, Wow’ to buy time when caught off guard, and employing the ‘I feel, when you, because, therefore’ structure to communicate impact without blame. These approaches are designed to help parents respond intentionally rather than react emotionally, creating space for connection instead of conflict.
Transcript
Brenda Zane: You’re listening to Hopestream, the place for those parenting teens and young adults who are misusing drugs and alcohol in a treatment program or working their way toward recovery. It’s your private space to learn and to gain encouragement and understanding from me. Your host, Brenda Zane. I’m fellow parent to a child who struggled, and I’m so glad you’re here. To learn more about all the resources available to you besides the podcast, please head over to HopeStreamcommunity.org. Welcome. I’m so glad to be with you today. I debated about what to talk about with you here, . Because I know there is just so much going on and how could I ever put my thoughts together in a way that can meet you where you are in this moment?
[00:01:30] In an effort to hopefully arrive at a place. That is real true and useful for you. I’ll often find a place to go and get very still and quiet and revisit my experiences. I do this because I very much consider our time together here as sacred. It’s time when you get to stop being the person you are at work. The mom or the dad you are to your kids. You get to put down the mask that you wear around that tells everybody that everything’s fine in your home. And just be together in the mock. In the good times in the uncertain times. I use the word sacred because this is a very vulnerable space. Whenever you’re connected with someone around your child or your children. They are our most precious and irreplaceable treasures. And you have to know you’re safe. You have to know the bond you have comes from a place of deep care and reverence. So I am honored to have this bond with you. To spend this time being real and disconnected from lives that can at times. Feel really simulated or inauthentic as we try to just get through, without everyone on the outside, knowing what’s going on on the inside. So when I got quiet this week and looked inward, I kept coming back to a memory. Of standing with my son or my husband, or even people on the
[00:03:00] periphery of our roller coaster ride. And I didn’t have a clue what to say. Like words literally would not come to me. Which was kind of incredible because I could get up and talk about things at work on a whim. Reading a room, making sure to connect with all the people who are listening, make eye contact. But when it came to my 17 year old, who was way off the rails. it was like, I just turned into this inarticulate voiceless person. And if I did muster some words, they usually acted like kindling on a fire. And I wished that I had just kept quiet and walked away. So now that I have some time in space, I decided it might be useful to share some words and phrases that I collected along the way. And I have used as a way of keeping a conversation, less charged. Or initiating a conversation that could potentially go in an unhealthy or unproductive direction. You may already be using some of these and if so, that is awesome. If you’re like me and you are in communication inertia, you can just swipe some of these to try out as an experiment today in the coming weeks. And because I know it’s hard to remember all of this stuff. I’m putting a PDF in the show notes that you can just download or screenshot and keep it on your phone or in a file somewhere. so these phrases are handy when you need them. You can grab that at Brenda’s ane.com/podcast. And then look for episode 180 2. And it’ll be
[00:04:30] there in the show notes for you. Okay, ready? Here we go. Phrase One Number one. When your spidey senses up. And your mom or your dad intuition. Is ringing loudly in your chest or your ears. You can use something like this. I feel like something’s weird or. I’ve noticed you’re a little off lately. I just want to talk about it would now be okay. The last part of that is probably the most important part. Asking permission here will go a long way to not getting into immediate shutdown. Your tone of voice, of course is super important. Keeping it light and curious will help keep them off the defense. And let them know you really do care and you aren’t out to provide a lecture. Phrase Two Number two when you lose it. Not that I have any experience with this, just saying. But when you react from a place of emotion, instead of responding from a place of intention, Here is the simplest way to come back. I can do better. I can do better immediately, lets them know, you know, that you didn’t show up as the best version of yourself. And it exudes humility. It’s a quick, concise way. To just diffuse a situation that’s spiraling into a negative place. Or is a way to wave the white flag. If you need to circle back after an unproductive situation or conversation. Phrase Three Number three. When you totally disagree with them. There are times when your
[00:06:00] child’s going to say something about something that happened and you are just flat out going to disagree. You may literally have the opposite experience or opinion. Uh, however, Getting into a power struggle, isn’t going to resolve anything and you may really want to keep the conversation going. In that case, try something like. That was your experience? Not mine. And I can’t say it’s wrong. This shows that you can see both sides of a coin. You may not agree with, or like the side that isn’t yours. But you’re willing to stay engaged. And using a statement like this, Mike, keep them going and might keep them talking versus the other person totally shutting down. Or getting the door slammed in your face. Another little one for when you don’t agree is I bet we can agree on three things. If the circumstances are right, this can actually be a fun experiment to run. And you can present it as exactly that and experiment. Saying something like, okay, well, you know how I feel about that, but I also bet we’re not as far apart as we think. Let’s try to find three things. We do agree on. And just see what happens. Phrase Four Number four. When a conversation needs to happen. But it’s bigger than the moment, or you’re not sure how things might go, but you’re hearing and seeing green lights and you want to introduce the conversation. You could use something like I want us to talk, even though we might not get things resolved right now. This statement says
[00:07:30] we’re not going to be here for an hour. I’m not even trying to come up with the final answer. I just want to talk. The statement can be like a pressure valve release. And you could even preface it with, I only have about five minutes and I’d like to talk, even though we probably won’t resolve this right now. Pro tip. This works great with spouses and partners. If there’s something that needs to get discussed. And you’re having a hard time landing on the moment to bring it up. Hey, did you know Hope Dream Community is a nonprofit organization and we are so happy to provide financial scholarships to over a quarter of the parents who use our services. We have our first ever giving campaign happening right now, and if you’re a podcast listener and you’ve benefited from the content here, we would love it if you’d help us keep this as a free resource for parents. We’re all about action and Hope Stream community. And over 84% of our members say they have noticed an improvement in their relationship with their child since joining. And over 69% believe their child has accepted help in one form or another as a result of their experience with us. So we know lives are being changed, and we wanna be able to help even more parents. If you’re able to give to our Year of Hope campaign, please go to Hope Stream community.org/donate to learn more. Thank you. Now back to the show. Phrase Five Number five for the times when you’re surprised or stunned, or truly have no words,
[00:09:00] which with our kids. Can happen often. Here are a few words that actually can be used as complete sentences. Oh, Hmm. Wow. And say more about that. These give you time to compose yourself. Or to think of an open-ended question. If the conversation needs to continue. You don’t need to elaborate. Just use a thoughtful tone of voice. Take a few deep breaths. And close your mouth. It’s kind of magical. Phrase Six Number six. When they are not listening to your side of things. There are times when your perspective is being shot down and you don’t feel like the other person is listening. You know, they’re fully invested on their side and you still would like to make sure that they hear you. In those cases, you can use a statement. Like I hear that’s important to you and asking you to consider my perspective as well. You may be noticing a trend here. Of asking permission. Being respectful about not just assuming the other person wants to hear your side. Using words and phrases that show them you’re open to considering a range of ideas. Or options keeps the playing field a little more level. Phrase Seven Number seven. When things are getting too serious. Sometimes you just need a quick minute with someone or you’re open to conversation, but you don’t want it to end up
[00:10:30] in super serious mode. This is a great way to turn a yellow light green, which will make sense to you. If you’re learning the invitation to change and Kraft approaches. So you can say something that gets your point across, but also ends on a lighter note. Like. I’m happy to talk about it. As long as we can talk while we’re driving to get ice cream. Or I really appreciate you being willing to talk about this. I would love to do it while we’re walking the dog. Phrase Eight Number eight. When they are overwhelmed and not well-regulated in their conversation. There are times when our kids especially, will be in overwhelm mode. They can’t articulate their points, they’re oversharing or just rambling and not making a whole lot of sense. You want to offer to help without sounding like you’re trying to solve their whole life. Breaking it down with a statement, like tell me one little thing I can do to help right now is a good option. Another great option in this case is. What’s one thing that would feel supportive to you right now. It might take them a minute to answer, but these questions, get them thinking. In a more solution oriented way rather than just ranting and raving. Phrase Nine Number nine. When you did something that didn’t work out. Sometimes you do something. And later you realized that wasn’t necessarily the right or best thing. . However what’s done is done. And the other person may still be waving this misstep in your
[00:12:00] face. Kids are especially good at this. And they’re especially good at finding things that we have done wrong. One option in this case is just state the truth. Something like I did that because that was the information I had at the time. Now there’s new information. And then work to move on instead of getting sucked into a spiral. Rehashing things that are over. Phrase Ten And finally, when you need, or want to tell someone about how their actions or words impacted you. And you would like them to change that in the future. There’s a magical phrase you can use that often gets really good results. There’s no guarantee. Of course. But if you use this, you’re setting yourself up for the best possible interaction. There’s a few components, which are, I feel. When you. Because therefore. This phrasing keeps the conversation about you. It doesn’t start out with, you always do this, or you never do that. Or you did X, Y, Z, again. Here’s an example of how this might sound in a real conversation. I feel anxious when you stay out all night without touching base. Because I don’t know if you’re safe or not, therefore, and you may want to use a different word. I’d like you to text me at night. If you’re not going to be coming home. Ideally, you’ll follow this up with something like, is that something you’re willing to agree to or another statement that confirms that they heard you. And are willing to honor your request. Review
[00:13:30] Now. I know some of these seem super simple. And for the purpose of a podcast episode, they are a bit simplistic. However you would be surprised at how effective these can be. Or your own adaptation of them. If you actually try them and use the tone of voice that says, I care, I want to engage with you. Let’s see if we can come to an agreement on this. Because honestly, isn’t that what you truly want. It’s worth taking a few moments to craft your words intentionally. So they don’t put your child or the other person on the defensive. So they don’t beat around the Bush. So the. The respectful and let the other person know you care and you’re willing to engage with them, not just talk at them. Okay for a quick review. And remember you can grab the PDF that has all of these on it for quick reference. If you go to the show notes at Brenda’s ane.com/podcast, and look for episode 180 2. The phrases I mentioned here are I feel something it’s weird or I’ve noticed you’re a little off lately. I just want to talk about it. Would now be okay. I can do better. I bet we can agree on three things. I want us to talk, even though things might not get resolved. Oh, Hmm. Wow. And say more about that. I hear that’s important to you. I’m asking you to consider my
[00:15:00] perspective as well. I’m happy to talk about it. As long as we talk while we drive to get ice cream. Or I really appreciate you being willing to talk about this. I’d love to do it while we’re walking the dog. Tell me one little thing I can do to help right now. What’s one thing that would feel supportive to you right now. I did that because that’s the information I had at the time. Now there’s new information. And I feel. When you, because therefore. I hope you’ll try these. Make it an experiment of your own. And try to use one of these in the next day or two. It doesn’t even have to be with your child. Try it with a coworker or another family member or a friend and see what the response is. It’s kind of fun when you’re being strategic with your language. To see how it can impact a conversation. I’d love to ask you to do one quick thing before we sign off, and that is if you enjoy this podcast, if you would go into your podcast player, whether that’s in Apple or Spotify, or Audible or Google, and just tap the Stars to rate it. That allows other people to see that people are listening and engaged in the podcast. And you’ll be helping another parent who is in a difficult time to find the podcast. So if you’re in Apple in particular, you’re gonna go to the main page of Hope Stream and then just scroll down and you’ll see the stars. And it also gives you an option to write a
[00:16:30] little review. So if you do listen and enjoy it and get something out of it, that would mean the world to me. That is it for today. If you’d like to get a transcript for the show, there’s always a transcript at the show notes page, which is at brenda zane.com/podcast. Free E-Book And if you haven’t downloaded my free ebook yet, I’d invite you to do that. It’s called hindsight. Three things I Wish I knew when my Son was misusing drugs. It’ll give you some really good insight into why your child might be doing the things that they’re doing, and there’s some really great tips of things that I learned along the way that I so wish I would have known. It’ll also give you great ideas on how you can navigate this in a healthier way to preserve yourself, your sanity and your wellbeing, which we all need. So that is at brenda zane.com/hindsight. As always, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for putting in the time and the work and the effort and energy into getting your family into a healthier place, and especially for your child, and I cannot wait to meet you right back here next week.
