Quick Answer
When a child struggles with substance use, the entire family experiences collateral damage. Siblings learn to stay invisible, marriages suffer from disagreements about how to respond, and shame can intensify the crisis. Parents need age-appropriate strategies—acting as managers for children under 18 and consultants for adults—while recognizing and acknowledging the impact on everyone in the family.
Key Takeaways
- Siblings often develop coping strategies like becoming invisible or perfect to avoid adding to family stress
- Parental disagreements about handling substance use can make the child feel they are tearing the family apart
- Shame does not lead to recovery and can actually prolong substance use
- For children under 18, parents need to step in as managers; for adult children, shift to a consultant role
- Recognizing collateral damage in your family allows you to tread more carefully and intentionally
In this article
Episode Resources
- Listen to this episode on Hopestream
- Hopestream podcast episode with Marco Narcsio, (#70)
- Hopestream Resources
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When a child struggles with substance misuse, parents naturally focus all their energy on helping that child. But there’s an African proverb that captures a painful truth about what happens to everyone else:
‘when two elephants fight. It is the grass that suffers when two elephants fight. It is the grass that suffers.’
The Grass That Suffers: Recognizing Collateral Damage
The crisis of one child’s substance use creates ripples throughout the entire family system. Siblings, marriages, work performance, and other relationships all experience what can be called collateral damage. These are the hidden casualties that often go unnoticed until much later.
One striking example came years after the immediate crisis had passed. Marco, the sibling of a child who struggled with risky lifestyle choices and substance use, finally revealed what his childhood had really been like:
‘Mom, I learned that as long as I wasn’t as bad as Enzo, I was basically invisible and I wasn’t gonna cause any ripples. So I made sure to never be as bad as Enzo.’
When Siblings Become Invisible
Children who aren’t the focus of the family crisis often develop sophisticated coping mechanisms. They watch and learn that their needs matter less during this time. Some try to become invisible, causing no problems at all. Others attempt perfection, hoping to balance out the family’s struggles. Still others act out in smaller, less dramatic ways just to be noticed.
These patterns can have lasting effects. The siblings are learning fundamental lessons about their worth and place in the family—lessons that may take years to unpack and heal.
Parental Disagreements and Their Impact
Another significant form of collateral damage occurs when parents disagree about how to handle their child’s substance use. These disagreements, often happening right in front of the struggling child, can intensify their shame and isolation.
The child may internalize these conflicts with devastating thoughts:
‘I am tearing this family apart. I am the problem. Maybe if I wasn’t here, everyone would be okay.’
This kind of thinking represents shame at its core. And shame has a particular relationship with recovery:
‘That is shame. And shame definitely does not lead to recovery. it can actually lead to more prolonged use.’
Age-Appropriate Responses to Substance Use
Understanding the appropriate level of parental involvement depends significantly on the child’s age. The guidance is clear for younger children:
‘if your child is, let’s say 16, basically, if they’re under 18, yes, you need to and have to step in to some degree. You need to act, and this is still your circus. These are still your monkeys.’
However, the situation shifts dramatically with adult children:
‘But let’s say your child is 24. Hmm. That is where things kind of get murky and messy because now you are not the manager of them. You are a consultant to them.’
This distinction between managing and consulting represents a fundamental shift in how parents can most effectively support their child while also protecting the rest of the family.
Moving Forward With Awareness
The goal isn’t to add more guilt to an already difficult situation. Rather, awareness of these hidden casualties allows parents to act more intentionally. It opens the possibility of acknowledging other family members’ experiences, even when you can’t immediately fix them.
Learning approaches like the Invitation to change approach helps parents respond more effectively while reducing harm to everyone involved. The work isn’t about fighting a battle—it’s more like working with clay, shaping responses that create the conditions for positive change while protecting the entire family system.
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Frequently Asked Questions
How does addiction affect siblings in the family?
Siblings often develop coping strategies in response to a brother or sister’s substance use. They may try to become invisible, strive for perfection, or act out in smaller ways just to get noticed. They learn that their needs don’t matter as much during the crisis, which can have lasting effects on their sense of worth and place in the family.
What should parents do when they disagree about how to handle their child’s substance use?
Parental disagreements, especially when they happen in front of the struggling child, can intensify shame and make the child feel they are tearing the family apart. Parents should work on aligning their approach and avoid fighting about the child’s problems where the child can witness it, as this can actually prolong substance use rather than help recovery.
Does shame help or hurt recovery from addiction?
Shame definitely does not lead to recovery and can actually lead to more prolonged substance use. When a child feels they are the problem tearing the family apart, this shame-based thinking works against the possibility of positive change and recovery.
How should parenting approach differ based on the child’s age?
For children under 18, parents need to step in and act as managers—it’s still your circus, these are still your monkeys. However, with adult children (such as a 24-year-old), the role shifts from manager to consultant. You are no longer managing them but rather consulting with them, which requires a different approach.
What is collateral damage in families affected by addiction?
Collateral damage refers to the impact on family members beyond the struggling child. This can include siblings who become invisible, marriages strained by disagreements, work performance that suffers, and other relationships that deteriorate. These are the hidden casualties that parents often don’t notice until later.
How can parents reduce harm to the whole family while helping their struggling child?
Parents can tread more carefully and intentionally by first recognizing who else is being affected. Acknowledge other family members’ experiences, learn approaches that reduce conflict and shame, take care of yourself, and approach the situation like working with clay rather than fighting a battle—focus on creating conditions for change rather than forcing outcomes.
AI Answer Summary
When a child struggles with substance use, families experience widespread collateral damage that often goes unnoticed. Siblings may become invisible or strive for perfection, learning their needs matter less. Parental disagreements can intensify the struggling child’s shame, which prolongs rather than helps recovery. Parents of children under 18 should act as managers and step in, while parents of adult children need to shift to a consultant role. Awareness of these hidden impacts allows families to respond more intentionally, acknowledge everyone’s experience, and learn approaches like Invitation to change that reduce harm to the entire family system.
Transcript
[00:00:01] We sometimes completely forget about all the other grass that is getting trampled. let’s talk about siblings for a minute. the good kid, the one who doesn’t cause problems, the one who doesn’t punch holes in the wall.
[00:00:16] They are watching everything. They’re learning that their needs don’t matter as much, and they’re sometimes often developing strategies to cope. Maybe they’re trying to become invisible. Maybe they’re trying to become perfect. Maybe they are acting out in smaller and less dramatic ways just to get noticed.
[00:00:41] Welcome to hope stream the podcast and community created specifically for parents of teens and young adults Who are misusing substances and struggling with mental health. I’m Brenda Zane, and I have been in your shoes with a child who is addicted to a high risk lifestyle and all the bad things that came with it.
[00:01:02] Listen every week to gain clarity and understanding, learn new skills, and best of all, experience real hope for what might feel like a helpless situation. We want you to not just survive this experience. but potentially find unexpected growth and meaning through it. You are not doing this alone anymore, and we’re so glad you’re here.
[00:01:26] After the episode, hop over to HopeStreamCommunity. org for more resources.
[00:01:32] Hey friend, welcome back. It’s just us today and while I was scrolling through my phone notes that, you know, I scrolled through for these episodes, I was looking for a little nugget to share and I came across this African proverb that I jotted down. I don’t know, I was on a walk or something and it says, when two elephants fight.
[00:01:58] It is the grass that suffers when two elephants fight. It is the grass that suffers. And immediately I thought about Marco when my son Enzo was caught up in the chaos of his extremely risky lifestyle and substance use. His brother Marco, who is two years younger. Was quietly coping with fear, anger, I’m sure, and I’m also guessing a huge amount of uncertainty.
[00:02:35] And while I spent all of my mama energy trying to fix and control and solve Enzo’s problems, Marco laid low, he became the peacekeeper. He did everything he could to stay out from underneath. Our giant heavy elephant feet.
[00:02:58] when I think back, what I didn’t see was how. Trampled he was getting, even though he was doing his best to dodge all of the chaos going on in her house, eventually Enzo’s struggles would really go on to significantly impact his perspective on life and also about his choices about college and his career.
[00:03:23] if you want a little bit more on that story and to hear from Marco directly, you can listen to Hope Stream Podcast, episode 70. We sat down together and talked for the first time actually about a lot of these things. so basically when I think about this beautiful African proverb, I think that Marco was just one blade of grass in our specific situation. There were also my parents and my husband’s parents, and my ex-husband’s, parents, other family members, my sister and brothers-in-law. We have close family friends who really consider our kids their kids, and to some degree it feels like everyone was getting flattened while my ex-husband and my husband and I stomped around.
[00:04:12] Trying to wage war on a problem that we actually couldn’t solve. So let’s talk about these elephant fights because I am guessing you might have at least one happening in your home right now. The biggest one we see at Hopestream is parents not agreeing on how to handle their child’s substance. Use this, my friend, is the heavyweight champion.
[00:04:39] Of elephant fights. One parent usually thinks that tough love and more discipline is the answer or tougher love, thinking we have to lock them out. We have to cut them off. We have to let them hit rock bottom. The other parent is maybe secretly slipping them some money or making excuses or sort of cushioning the falls, or there is some variation of this dynamic.
[00:05:05] It looks a lot of different ways, and both elephants, I mean, both parents are absolutely convinced. You’re right. You are both operating from a place of love and concern. You are both likely terrified and sad. Both want the same outcome, but there you are with your proverbial tusks locked while the grass underneath gets absolutely demolished.
[00:05:36] Some things that we see, and the way this might look in your house, is you have arguments about rules and consequences and discipline that turn into screaming matches. Usually around 11:00 PM one of you might be undermining the other’s limits or boundaries. And yes, I did say boundaries, not rules, because with our kids, rules are fairly useless.
[00:06:00] It also might look like the silent treatment between you and your partner, and that creates this kind of thick syrupy tension that everybody can feel. Or you’re having heated quote unquote discussions about treatment or school options while your child or other kids are literally in the next room and they are hearing it all.
[00:06:27] So who is the grass? Well, I would say for one, your struggling child, every time they witness or even can sense this conflict and can sense what is going on in the home and the tension it’s causing, they are getting this message of I am tearing this family apart. I am the problem. Maybe if I wasn’t here, everyone would be okay.
[00:06:54] That is a very scary thought. I know my son felt like not being around was better for everyone, and so he spent as much time as possible away from our home. So basically when they hear those things, you’ll notice. Like I did that that was not motivation for them to change. That is shame. And shame definitely does not lead to recovery. it can actually lead to more prolonged use. So there’s that. But what I also started thinking about is we get so consumed and distracted By how this crisis is impacting us personally, that we sometimes completely forget about all the other grass that is getting trampled. So let’s talk about siblings for a minute. We hear so much about siblings, the good kid, the one who doesn’t cause problems, the one who doesn’t punch holes in the wall.
[00:07:56] They are watching everything. They’re learning that their needs don’t matter as much, and they’re sometimes often developing strategies to cope. Maybe they’re trying to become invisible. Maybe they’re trying to become perfect. Maybe they are acting out in smaller and less dramatic ways just to get noticed.
[00:08:20] I remember Marco told me a few years after all of our drama sort of died down. Mom, I learned that as long as I wasn’t as bad as Enzo, I was basically invisible and I wasn’t gonna cause any ripples. So I made sure to never be as bad as Enzo. Oh, that still kind of breaks my heart. But then there is also an extended grass field.
[00:08:48] Hey, I wanna pause for just a sec to talk about something that has been life changing for so many women who started right where you might be by listening to the show. If you’re feeling the isolation, the exhaustion, like nobody gets what you’re going through, there is a place designed specifically for you.
[00:09:05] The stream is our private community for moms and female caregivers for parenting teens and young adults through substance use and mental health struggles. And when I say private, I mean completely confidential. It is not connected to Facebook or any other platform, or your business could become everyone’s business.
[00:09:24] What members love about this stream is that you can be as visible or as anonymous as you want. Some moms jump right into conversations and calls. Others like to read and learn quietly in the background. Both are perfect. It’s not social media. It’s genuine community focused on learning growth and breaking through the isolation that might be keeping you from moving forward.
[00:09:47] Right now. Whether your child is in active use in treatment or early recovery, you’ll find practical strategies and tools that actually help motivate healthier choices because we know you wanna see positive change in your family. Check it [email protected]. We would love to welcome you into this village of support and understanding.
[00:10:10] Okay, back to the show.
[00:10:15] Those might be grandparents who don’t understand what in the world is happening in your home, and they feel helpless. It might be your friends who stop calling you because every conversation becomes about your crisis. And I am a hundred percent guilty of having done that to my friends. your other relationships that wither because you are beyond exhausted and you really don’t have much left to give your work performance.
[00:10:43] I mean, there were times where my body was physically at a pitch or a shoot or a QBR or a planning session, but mentally I was nowhere close to being present or engaged. Even your dog or cat or your other pets who totally pick up on all the stress and the anxiety. And as a side note, the way your pets are responding is actually a really good barometer sometimes for how your other kids in the home might be feeling.
[00:11:15] The tricky part is that the more we rumble around and fight about how to solve these problems with our challenging kids, the less energy we have to actually influence positive change. We’re so busy being elephants. That we forget that we could be something like, I don’t know, more nimble or more strategic.
[00:11:38] For some reason, a gazelle comes to mind, but I’m not even sure if that’s the right analogy. It just sounds lighter and more graceful than an elephant.
[00:11:48] Also, I should mention that this all gets even more complicated depending on your child’s age, because sometimes we are not just fighting about the approach, we are fighting about whether we should even be in the ring fighting. So if your child is, let’s say 16, basically, if they’re under 18, yes, you need to and have to step in to some degree.
[00:12:13] You need to act, and this is still your circus. These are still your monkeys. But even then, fighting with your partner or a co-parent about every single decision is not helping anyone, which of course is why you’re here. Why you are learning things like the Invitation to change approach. And I hope that you’re taking extraordinarily good care of yourself.
[00:12:39] You’re doing the work, you’re doing all the things. But let’s say your child is 24. Hmm. That is where things kind of get murky and messy because now you are not the manager of them. You are a consultant to them. Maybe you’re also their cheerleader and a fierce supporter and an ally. But one of you in the co-parenting situation might still be in full manager mode while the other has shifted to consultant.
[00:13:11] And now you have got elephants fighting about whether there should even be a fight. I see this all the time in coaching and in our community. One parent is saying they’re an adult, they just need to figure this out, and the other is saying, there still are baby. We can’t just abandon them. And both perspectives totally have merit.
[00:13:35] Both of them come from an absolute place of love. But while these elephants are over here, duking it out, what message is that 24-year-old getting?
[00:13:47] they’re getting mixed signals, confusion. They are probably also getting a pretty good understanding of how to play you guys against each other because our kids. Can be master manipulators when they’re in active use. And what we’re doing when we continually fight and argue is we are just handing them our playbook when we can’t even get on the same page with whoever it is that you might be co-parenting with.
[00:14:15] how do we get out of this? How do we stop being these crazy elephants? How do we stop trampling the grass? My first suggestion would be to recognize that you’re probably not gonna be able to solve this problem through brute force. I see this a lot. It’s like parents take this very harsh, very forceful stance, almost like this is a battle that they’re heading into to win.
[00:14:41] And that makes a ton of sense. It makes a ton of sense when you’re early on in the journey. You’re acting out of fear and out of a place of unknowing and disorientation. It’s like, we are gonna push this toothpaste back in the tube when, of course that is not possible. But man, do we try. So instead of attacking the challenge like a battle, I would encourage you to look at it more like a lump of clay.
[00:15:10] Right now, the lump isn’t very pleasant to look at. It’s making a mess and you really want it to be this beautiful bowl or a gorgeous coffee cup, but stomping on it or trying to force it into a specific shape isn’t gonna work. So you gently start to notice what makes it curve, what makes it lean to bend, and mostly what makes it crack.
[00:15:36] And as you work with this lump of clay, you learn how to influence it, how to respond to it so it responds back to you in a way that gets closer to something that is workable. You can create the conditions that make it more likely, but if you’re part of two elephants that are fighting, [00:15:56] that’s just gonna cause destruction and it also causes a huge amount of distraction. I wish that I had understood earlier that every time my husband or my ex-husband and I fought and battled about Enzo, what to do, what not to do, what the cause was, where I’d gone wrong, we were making the problem.
[00:16:18] Bigger, not smaller. I wish I had noticed Marco quietly shrinking into the background trying to stay off this battlefield, [00:16:29] and I wish I had recognized his fear and uncertainty and affirmed that it truly sucks to have a brother. Or sister who is so out of control and sucking all of my attention and resources. I didn’t even have to fix anything for him. I just wish I had acknowledged his experience. I wish I had noticed the grass under my giant elephant feet, [00:16:56] so if you’ve been in an elephant fight, And I’m pretty sure every single one of us has. It’s okay. It is okay. The grass can grow back, relationships can heal. Marco and I have talked about those years. We’ve acknowledged the impact. I’ve apologized for not seeing him when he needed to be seen, and he’s okay.
[00:17:21] He’s actually more than okay. He is super insightful and compassionate. Partly because of what he witnessed with Enzo and not in spite of it. I wonder sometimes though, how things might’ve been different if I had noticed the grass earlier. I wonder what would’ve happened if I had stepped a bit more carefully if I’d realized that my elephant fight with the problem, and sometimes with my husband and ex-husband about the problem, my fight about the problem was causing its own.
[00:17:56] Kind of destruction.
[00:17:58] So this week I wanna invite you to simply notice the grass beneath your feet. Who else is being affected by this crisis that you haven’t been seen? what small steps could you take to tend to them? How can you and your partner or ex-partner or co-parent, or whoever your fellow elephant is, how can you step more carefully?
[00:18:22] Because if you can do that, even if it’s imperfect, which it will be, I guarantee it creates space for everyone to start to heal. The grass gets a little sunlight again. It gets some water, and it gets a chance to grow.
[00:18:40] Our kids need to see that problems even as big as addiction. Even as big as serious mental health issues can be faced without destruction, and that just because we disagree Doesn’t have to mean war. Ideally, we show them and the other people in our orbit. That love and peace and intentional work at being healthier can exist even when things are so difficult.
[00:19:09] That is the gift that you can give to all the grass in your life. The gift of treading more carefully, more intentionally, with more awareness of what’s beneath your feet.
[00:19:23] Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or the show notes and resources from this episode, just go to our website, hope Stream community.org, and click podcast. That’ll take you to all things podcast related. We even have a start here playlist that we created, so if you’re new here, be sure to check that out.
[00:19:43] Also, if you’re feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child’s substance use, we have got a free ebook for you. It’s called Worried Sick, A compassionate guide for parents of teens and young adults misusing drugs and alcohol. It’ll introduce you to ways that you can build connection and relationship with your child versus distancing and letting them hit rock bottom.
[00:20:08] It is a game changer and it’s totally free. Just go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You are amazing, my friend. You are such an elite level parent. It is an honor to be here with you and please know you’re not doing this alone. You’ve got this tribe and you will be okay sending all my love and light and I will meet you right back here next week.
